Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Breakdown

Singularity is the term mathematicians use when equations break down and cease to have any useful meaning.  The rules change.  Something completely different happens.

If we keep up with this pace there will soon be a complete break from the patterns of the past.  In the last 2 days  I am experiencing a quantum jump to somewhere very vast and new.  I am exhausted and weak.  So different from the space I was in just 2 days ago.  Developmental phases now take place in years/months/weeks rather than decades.

Something completely new is developing, so fitting for this new years eve.  I have not been here before.

Saturday, December 28, 2013


My mind is getting used to 'nothing'.  I am more aligned with the present. Which means I am at peace and relaxed.

The mind is the filter, the inner voice that speculates on a future based on memory, based on what has been before, which is insane.  It can never be the same again, but the mind fills in the spaces with projections and interpretations.  None of which are real.

Everything is a wave of possibilities and only when observed does it turn into matter.  Nothing beyond this moment exists.  So far everything has always turned out better than if my own plans had come to fruition. 

There is so much more space between events.  Not much needs to be attended to and I doubt that the pace will pick up, no forward movement, slowing down even more.  Its a process that's taking me from doing to Being.

Monday, December 23, 2013


The solstice brought BIG subtle changes.  Didn't notice it until this morning.  Everything dried up.  I can't think the same way.  The old is gone.

I am now living in the emptiness.  It's one thing talking about Being, its another living it.  There is NOTHING TO DO.  Everything we planned went to ashes.  This is especially hard on my son.  He is used to always working.  He has millions of ideas but they all belong to the old.  He noticed that things aren't the same, but is unaware of the extend.  

It looks like we are sinking in quicksand, fears showing up.  I am stoked.  We are truly in the new.  New ways will show up eventually, living at a different speed.  This is a time of adjusting.  I feel so dead.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Joker is free

Free to play the game of life, the joker has no cares in the world.
I think I finally got it.  There is a difference between waking up within the dream and waking up from the dream.

People who wake up within the dream belief in the Law of Attraction, The Secret, The Power of the Mind, Cause and Effect and so many other beliefs, which are only a more convincing illusion of freedom.  Beliefs and opinions don't survive the destructive process of getting to the truth.

When you wake up from the dream you know that there is no Cause and Effect, no Law of Attraction, no Secret, no predictability, yet, things aren't random either.

For a short 30 seconds I experienced the destruction of more of my beliefs and illusions, another ultimate death.  There literally was nothing left.  My first thought was that I can always kill myself, it went that deep. It's a constant giving up of everything I know about anything, a constant death to everything.

The new year is going to be a wild card.  Anything and nothing goes.  I will know at the end of the year how it went.

Friday, December 20, 2013

This is only a ride

This is only a ride, and there are no rules.

Many parents promise their kids a reward when they are good.  That's not how the universe works.  I have done the work and was waiting for my reward.  I was fooled to belief that things will get better.  They don't.  They get better and worse in equal parts.  There has to be balance.

The mind now has a different master.  It's called experience.  The universe, my soul, is after my experiences, and I don't get to chose those experiences, neither can I get out of them. 

I have been called a fatalist.

Things seem random, hit and miss.  It's all about deprogramming the mind.  Its our fatal expectations of certainty that make this ride hellish.  Nothing is going our way.  Only after the fact will I know how it went.  I can't predict anything beforehand.  I am always wrong because of my human mind.  I have to go further, waking up from the dream, not just waking up within the dream.

I have never been so uncertain.

Friday, December 13, 2013

My lighter body

The mind builds structures.  All my structures have fallen.  New ones don't even have the chance to get erected.  I have gone beyond the mind.

I cycle through a lot of feeling:  death, illusion, insanity, and so many more.  I always feel different, unstable, things seem to move all the time.  What's here one moment is gone the next.

As I carry more light I can't carry a thought.  Thought is denser than light.  Bye, bye thoughts.

I am starting to behave as light.  The fear of how I am going to provide for myself or live on this still dense planet isn't there anymore.  I am protected.

Anything that has to do with planning gives me indigestion.  If I don't relax my heart starts to race.  I can't introduce density to my body anymore or my body will react immediately with symptoms of a heart attack and headaches.

It's imperative to be present and awake. 

Preparing for my new life which isn't so new after all, just more aware

I am still dealing with moving or staying.  Both seem real. I don't know what's going to happen and it puts me into the present moment.  I can't prepare for it.  It has to prepare me.

This morning my son got pre-hired by a trucking company.

I have been feeling massive, massive changes coming my way. I am certainly done with my life the way I know it.  There is still so much to let go of.  Uncertainty became even more uncertain.

The mind perceives things AFTER the fact.  It doesn't have a clue of what's going to happen.  When things are uncertain the mind fills in the blanks with what it knows, with what has happened before.  That's why I don't listen to anything my mind presents me with.  

The mind can't create.  It doesn't have an original thought.  It can't make anything work.  Our Higher Selves conceive everything and we receive it as a download.

I am being downloaded with so much in the form of energy, nothing concrete.  It's fierce.  This makes me flexible.  It's not going to be anything I have done before, although there will be overlaps.  It's the fibonacci dance, 2 steps in the unknown, 1 step in the known. 

And this is the paradox.  My life hasn't changed at all.  At the core I have always been the same, I only had to get the illusions out of the way.  I am not being handed an unfamiliar life.  Becoming a truck driver is a logical next step for me.

My son got tired of the drama at his previous job and I could tell that he wasn't going to stay there much longer.  His Higher Self caused him to ignore a safety step and they had to fire him.  Being truck drivers, we'll not have to spend much time around the same people.  People vibrate at such low levels that all they concentrate on are problems that aren't there. The world is still too steeped in illusion.  The only thing you are supposed to do with a problem is feel it, that's why its there.

The body always knows what to do and the mind often overrides it.  The past 2 years I have learned to live in my body and out of my mind.  That's the only way my son and I will be able to co-exist being around each other 24/7.  He won't put up with my crap.

There is nothing to discuss.  The body is connected to source.  The mind is disconnected and insane.  Discussions only create more illusions.  Discussions rob us of awareness.  It's the feeling part that livens us.  The physical part is taken care of by source and none of our concern.  Real-axing into what is.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The barrier

There has been so much upheaval.  My son isn't getting the loan.  Someone will sponsor him, or  whatever, it really doesn't matter.  I am not going to think of the worst case scenario, that's what the mind likes to come up with when things are uncertain.  We'll be where we'll be.  I have no say in it anyway.

What we do in this moment doesn't predict the next moment.  Just because we do A, B and C doesn't guarantee a certain outcome, not anymore.    It reminds me to give it all up and go back to stillness.  Everything takes care of itself.  Nothing is final.  We are in a perpetual state of becoming and passing away.

The dialectic of existence:  Whatever I hold on to, I will lose.  The expected never comes.  The longed-for is never achieved.  The desire is never fulfilled.  The very fact of asking becomes a barrier.  That's the paradox.

I don't ask of anything and I have become very relaxed, being ok with what is.

My neighbor drives me crazy sometimes.  But she only brings out my own insanity.  That's why changing her is futile.  Everything is here to make me sane.

Sunday, December 8, 2013


Things have changed again.  Something ended.  Every time something ends I think that something new will show up, that I will be moving forward.  But it never does.  These are endings without beginnings because my mind isn't comfortable with 'nothing' yet.

I am spending more time with people.  They all have the same theme, talking about what they are going to do next year, because all of them need to fill their minds with something.  Waiting for what shows up naturally is too scary for them.  

They tell me what I need to change about myself.  It usually doesn't take long for them to run my life with their minds, trying to change me rather than looking at themselves.  The trip into their world of illusion is exhausting and insane.

Their mind says: "It shouldn't be this way," and thus they work on changing me.  The mind has a problem with what is.  This makes people restless, always working on changing the outer world.   

Knowing that the universe put these people into my life to cure my insanity, I look at myself and what it brings out in me.  In time they will all disappear.  What makes you insane will also make you sane.  

I spent the money I set aside to pay bills on groceries.  I had such a great time with my son at the store.  We don't discuss money issues.  Presently money gets supplied as needed from unpredictable sources, which we have no control over.   Mind as well relax and have some fun with this.

Nothing is going the way we think, nothing is working the way it used to.  There are more spaces and that's why things happen very slowly because there is no repetition.  The spaces prepare the nervous system for what comes next.   In those spaces a lot of releasing happens.  That's why next year will be a very flexible and unpredictable year.

Two more weeks and my son will be done with his truck driving training.  Then he has to wait another 3 weeks until he turns 21 before he can drive.  Every situation is the perfect preparation for the next step.  The mind wants things to happen quicker, but the unconscious has to be made conscious so that we can go through life with awareness, and than I belief things will speed up.

Thursday, December 5, 2013


I am feeling dissatisfied and insane.  I want to blame the outer world, but I know it has nothing to do with the external.  The outside is not the cause.  

The unknown in me is taking over.  Living willfully has no depths.  I wait for what shows up naturally, that is sanity.

We are born sane and conditioned to become insane.  All the insanity that was indoctrinated into me has to come out so that I can be a pure mirror reflecting reality, spontaneous behavior, nothing suppressed, pure innocence.  

Feeling insane is a sign that I am letting go of conditioning, but I am furious because I have outgrown my life and I want more.  The best part is that I don't have to go after it.  It will show up on its own.  It will be something unknown because the known has become insane.  Repetition is another form of insanity.  The only constant is change and if you don't change you are insane.

What makes you insane also makes you sane.  In the world of illusion that which is insane appears sane and that which is sane appears insane.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The ledge is disappearing

I am being stretched like the hide of an animal in the sun.  I am ok with it.  Its all in divine and perfect order.

Immense changes are in the works.  I keep feeling these massive energies and than they subside so that the nervous system can catch up.

Neo only went one layer down the rabbit hole.  He misinterprets his new state as freedom, but its only a more convincing illusion of freedom.  He is now even more in the grip of delusion.  With every layer I thought I had arrived.  We get to go all the way to the bottom of the rabbit hole. 

For me it feels that I have reached the bottom and now I get to climb out and fly.  

I am really no longer in control, which was an illusion anyway.   My mind wants me to rush around, doing useless things.  The mind always wants to override the body's wisdom.  I move to action when my body moves me.  Its getting easier and harder.  Easier because I can trust my body to know what to do; harder because there is no more ledge.  The ledge has disappeared and I have nothing to hang on to.  Its time to fly.

This is the season of obligation.  Obligation to give presents. I am not buying anything, we are having to borrow money, but that's not the reason. I never give anything out of obligation.  This year has been a financial breeze until now. Maybe my son needs to learn something through this.  I am not trying to figure things out anymore.  It is what it is.

This is the most psychic time of the year.  I am being shown and prepared for things to come.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Integrating the new

There were times when I questioned who I was following because so far nothing materialized, only purging, purging, purging with short intervals of relief.

The past two days I was shown my new life.  It is over the top with my stomach in my throat.  I can't do this, neither do I want to do this.  But the universe has spoken.  There is no negotiating.  Its way over my head and that's where its supposed to be so that I will not walk by my own strength.

I will be traveling with my son in a truck and eventually I will get my truck driving license so that we both can alternate driving and go longer distances.  I am integrating all of this and today I am feeling kind of blah.  I was wondering whether the stress of being on the road so much would get to me.  The universe responded with a dream of an erected penis, meaning, I will have the strength and stamina to do this.

We are down to our last penny.  We have things for sale but they aren't selling.  I am not worried.  Its not my problem.  I am here to enjoy the ride and I am starting to.

I meet people and they truly don't want to give up control because they are afraid of losing it all, and they will.  I am glad that part is over.  A new game is being arranged for me.

Friday, November 29, 2013

There is no mercy

The nervous system gets prepared before the physical changes.  I know I can do all things, but when my nervous system can't handle it nothing new will happen.  

My circuits are overloaded.  There is much to let go.  All my mind sees are problems, when in fact I am being refined.  I am going much deeper into my nervous system.

The spaces are getting bigger.   The challenge is, living in these spaces.  Nothing works, nothing to grab onto.  Rescue shows up the last moment, but mostly, not at all.  Always falling apart without a chance of being put back together.  It requires a new response: Feeling (like crap most the time).  That's what people are working so hard to run away from.

No amount of begging will make this stop.  Forerunners take the brunt. 

At least I had the most amazing Thanksgiving with my children.  There was no ego.   It's all worth it.

Monday, November 25, 2013

The next step

480 Harley-Davidson Truck

I've been going through the shredder over and over.  It feels like I am not going to survive the next 2 years.

My son found a co-signer for a loan and went off to truck driving training.  It feels right to go with this particular center in Asheville rather than the one that has the free training.

When he is done I will be going on the road with him.  This is what the universe has arranged and its the most potent and radical step for me to give up control. 

I am done with this place.  If we were to move I would just pick up where I left off.  Being on the road most the time will totally interrupt my patterns.

Looking back, I can see how the universe prepared me for it throughout this year.  Still, it came as a shock.

The truck driving training will take 4 weeks because that's how long it takes for the universe to prepare me for the changes.   I am glad I have some time.

3D preparation looks like this:  People running around like chickens with their heads cut off; planning every detail; to-do lists; endless discussions; exhaustion; all mental and all doing; attention on the future. 

5D preparation looks like this: Releasing my ideas of how this should look like; releasing blocks so that I can trust the universe to take care of all the details; looking to my inner world first; being here this moment where nothing else exists; relaxing into this moment.  This moment prepares me for the next.

My relationship with my son is being taken to a new level.  Thus, the relationship with myself is taken to a new level.

In order for this to work I have to take me first.

Friday, November 22, 2013

The purging of form

I am not a materialistic person, not that this is a bad thing.  That's why I was surprised when the purging of form showed up.  I had no idea how deeply I was still attached to the outer.  This was a horrible, horrible process of destruction.  It felt as if I was not going to come out of it alive, as if I was not going to survive it.

Today I feel so much better.

No two people experience reality the same way.  This is a holographic universe.  Therefore my life is not dependent on others.  I am not participating in their dramas.   What's true for others is not true for me.  Even my own truth keeps changing.  Truth is only true for a moment and than it's no longer true.  Actually, there is no truth, only experience.

I am ready for new experiences.  We'll see what will be projected for me from the holographic field.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The ledge is getting narrower

I don't have energy for the physical world because all my energy is spent dealing with the energetic world, the vibrational makeup of things, which is physically exhausting.

The energies of multiple possibilities are reaching me and I get to experience each one as if its real.

I am being stretched beyond my capabilities.  If I stay stretched I will burn out.  I get to relax, but not all the way back to the way it was before.  This is the fibonacci dance, two steps in the unknown, one step back to the familiar.   

The mind is being phased out.  We are turning into feeling beings.  Things are being provided on an as needed basis, which means living on the ledge.  As we mature the ledge gets narrower.

Every day there is a new spin on things and every day I get sent into a tailspin, releasing emotions and limitations.  Through this I see how very small my life is.

We went to the bank to get a $6,000 loan so that my son can start his truck driving training on Sunday. We were denied, but the loan officer told us about a trucking company that provides free training for their students.  He will start in 7 weeks when he turns 21 and he will be driving all over the country.

My life here is coming to an end.  I don't know where and how I am going to continue.  One thing is sure, its not going to be the way I think.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Sometimes its hard to figure out what the universe wants

I was wrong again.  I had a dream that we are staying.  That we are moving had to appear real so that the universe could get the point across, which is, I still want way too much control.  Now that the illusion burst, we can't go back to the way things were.

Immediately, the mind fills in the blanks.  Something shows up and the mind has it already figured out how its going to be.

My mind is trying to find a solution to get us out of the hole that isn't there.  To the mind, constantly hanging over an abyss (that isn't there) calls for emergency measures.  But there is no emergency.  Nothing in a holographic universe is real, its all illusion.

I just want to shout this over and over again:  THIS ISN'T REAL.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The universe rearranges itself according to my picture of reality.

Two days into reading 'Butterflies are free to fly' my life rearranged itself.  My son lost his job.  I have no idea how this is going to unravel.  The exterior always changes when the interior changes.  I am more relaxed than ever.  I don’t have to worry about anything.  What shows up will be the perfect match for us.

For the mind this is too much to handle.  I am turning it over to the universe.  It’s not my problem.  I am here to play, not make decisions.  Things are getting really simple.

Lately I find myself saying:  ‘It’s not real.’  In the holographic universe nothing is real, it only appears real.  It’s a mirage.  This takes the edge off.  I don’t have to do anything about anything.  If I do something about it I make it real.  When I don’t respond to a ‘problem’ I leave it at the level of energy and I breeze through it by transmuting it and it’s gone.  I feel the energy of things, not the matter.  Matter slows me down, energy speeds me up.

Space has expanded tremendously.  All my activities are surrounded by so much S.P.A.C.E.  Nothing matters.  I only do what my body moves me to do, which isn’t much.  I attend to whatever comes into this space.  The universe does all the planning to the smallest detail.  I do all the feeling.  I no longer try to control anything.

Friday, November 15, 2013

We'll be moving, but first the crucifixion

I feel THE END, total death.  There is so much to feel, so much more sadness coming up, so many changes.  This step can’t be skipped.  It will take as long as it will take.  I hope this will be resolved by the time we move.

Cruci-fiction - It's not real, it only appears real.

It looks like we will be moving to Asheville, NC.  My son wants to do a 4 week truck driving training there next month.  I will join him at the end of December when we move everything out of here.

At this point we don’t have the money for any of this, but it will show up miraculously as always.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

So much uncertainty

I thought it was over, but it’s just beginning.  The more I release the crazier my life gets.

There is so much movement, stops and goes.  Everything is imploding on itself, like big waves that come crashing down.  I don't know where I am nor where I am going.

More maturity is required of me now and that's why I experience these tremendous highs and lows.  I love, love, love my life right here, right now.  That's where I make the mistake.  It has nothing to do with where I am nor what I do.  It has something to do with this moment.  My capacity to embrace this moment has multiplied.  If I think that my love is based on the external than I will make the external more important than the internal.  What goes on in my life has nothing to do with the external.  When you are ready to be offended an apple will offend you.

There is a new aliveness in me, but there is also a much deeper sadness going on.  A woman at the farmers market picket that up.  She said that when she looked at me there was so much sadness but now my aura feels really good.   I told her that I cannot hide anything anymore.  When I feel more, people will also feel more.

The same with anger, it’s fiery. I am always alone when that shows up.  And than there is such incredible peace.  I have become a cyclone that expresses all these feelings.

I am in a womb that protects me.  Everything is planned for me to the smallest detail.  Knowing this, I can trust the process.