Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Don't leave yourself

I went to the post office, got there too early and had to wait for them to open.  A postal employee was also waiting outside.  I talked to her and it was awkward because I have never left my mind out of a conversation.  I was all in my body.  I came from a vulnerable place.  I looked at her and really saw her.   It was a full body experience.  What if everything could massage you?  Feelings enliven us. (Feelings aren't emotions).

A baby isn't born until the belly of the mother softens.  I am living with a soft belly, relaxing into my body.  Any tension is an indication that I am not trusting.  The mind wants to be in control.  Breathing gets me out of my mind.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Going down again

After feeling really good for almost 2 weeks I am going down again. I am not fighting it.  I let my body carry what my mind can't by feeling everything instead of trying to make sense of it or trying to talk myself out of feeling what I am feeling.

No one knows what's going on and whoever says they do, I am not going to take their word for it.  This is a very personal experience and journey.  I am feeling emptiness, death, destruction, nothingness. I don't even have words for it.  In other words, I feel like shit.

I don't have to do anything to get me out of it, only wait for it to turn on its own.  You can only go as high as you can go low.  I take in lower vibrations and convert them into higher vibrations.

Plants are alchemists. 
The following is taken from Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey – hiding in the light, Episode 5 (@ 32:00).

How do the astonishing colors of nature happen?  How do the red’s and the blue’s happen?  Light waves of different lengths from the sun strike the earth.  The pedals of blue flowers absorb all the low-energy, long, red wave lengths of light; but they reflect the shorter, high-energy blue wave lengths.  That interaction between star light and pedal is what makes blue.  The longest waves, the ones we see as red, have the lowest energy.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Only do what brings you joy

Obamacare.  It's mamdatory.  I didn't know it until this morning.  I don't have a penny to go on any health-care plan.  Money comes in to support my sane lifestyle and not fund my fears.

I am not saying people shouldn't have health insurance.  My son's accident cost almost half a million and it was paid for by 2 insurances.  In my case, I am not supposed to have health insurance at this time, which means I have to let go of the fears surrounding not having insurance.  My experiences are here to help me let go of my fears.

The contrast of the outer world is staring me in the face every day to let me see what I have given power to so that I will no longer participate in it.  Than the world becomes a playground rather than a mine field.  

Society condemns self-love. We learned that we aren't good enough.  You have to be gentle with yourself.  No one will do it for you.  

My freedom came through submission.  You can only be as independent as you are dependent.  I had to submit even to my kids, my crazy neighbors, my ex. It made me furious.  Those were the first steps to release my patterns and my ego.  Now I only do what brings me joy.

All cords will be cut.  Letting go of emotional attachments to people, places and things is a bittersweet pill. I said good-buy to a very dear friend.  When something is finished you move on.  You don't get to stick around. 

The old model is based on obligation, neediness, co-dependence, all disguised as love.  The new model seems cold, detached and selfish, but it isn't.

Now the question is, what brings me joy?  That's a new can of worms that's been opened.  My first thought was going on a vacation, flying somewhere. How can I have joy without money.  I want to buy things and that costs money.  THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH MONEY (that's my mind).  Obviously that's not what joy is.

I would like to go ahead, but it would be a patterned go-ahead.  So I wait for what shows up naturally. I landed in a new space which requires a new approach.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Me first

I only get to do what brings me joy.  My body will get sick if I don’t.  Me first.  That's such a new idea.  Things get done.  The universe rearranges itself to accommodate my lighter life.

I was shown that I have to let go of the kids, it felt like the end of the world until I got it.  Letting go of the kids doesn’t mean they disappear from my life.  It means that the relationship has changed.  Society encourages needy relationships, mistaking neediness for love, it’s all drama.  I am getting a glimpse of wholeness.  Coming back to myself takes great courage.


Thursday, April 3, 2014

All effort is ignorance.

Nothing is getting done and things are slipping away.  And that's the way its supposed to be.

I am trying to focus, but I can't.  Nothing sticks.  I can't hold on to who I think I am, the energy is moving so fast spinning my patterns out of me.

I am in the falling away stage, the false is being removed.  When I come out of it I will be lighter.  Right now its exhausting going through that vortex.

Only the false can fall away.  In the past I was afraid to fall apart because to the mind it looks like I wouldn't be able to function in the world anymore.  Now I welcome it because whatever isn't me is being removed.  My shadow is disappearing.  Existence takes care of me.

Anything false needs continuous holding together and it doesn't support me, I have to support it.  Presence does not exert energy.  Nothing in my life should use up my energy.  Anything that needs my energy is not who I am.  That's where I have given power away.

In the beginning of the journey the shadows were terrifying, eventually they became smaller until I realized they aren't real.

It takes too much effort maintaining the person I am not.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The dreamer coming out of hiding

It seems the light is here to stay.  The light has always been here, but instead of light being reflected back to me, there was only darkness, insanity, hatred, terror, death and destruction staring into my face, scary shadows that weren't real.

I am still descending, but there are no monsters. Now its mainly about letting go of my patterns so that my responses can come from emptiness rather than conditioning.  The body is extremely efficient when the mind isn't interfering.  The abyss is gone, it was never there to begin with.  The cliffs have vanished.

Life has turned around.  I feel more, deeper, wider, louder, expanding, amplified.  The tiniest things transform me.  I heard a bird sing and my body almost burst.  I am filled up, overflowing.

The outer world isn't real, my inner world is real.  The outer world hasn't changed, but now I have a different response to it.  Illusion requires maintenance.  There is nothing I have to maintain.

Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move. ~Rumi

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Coming out of the darkness

This is the third day of me feeling really good.  In recent weeks I felt great for only a moment and than went back into the never-ending darkness.  Maybe I am done transmuting old energies.  There has to be an end to this.

This morning I woke up being told:  Only do what you really enjoy.

My body will react immediately with pain when I try to do something I should not be doing because my patterns want to override my body's wisdom.

I was thinking of picking up the trash that's been blown around the yard.  The very moment I had that thought I felt a sharp pain in my right foot and had to wait for it to stop.

That trash is none of my business, but my patterned mind will make everything my business.  Whatever I look at, my mind will make up a story and go off spinning out illusion at mammoth proportion.

I may still pick up some trash, but it won't be pre-meditated.  I will just observe my body picking something up.

I have to let the world turn without my help.

According to quantum physics, everything is a wave until observed.  Nothing exists until I look at it.  I was looking at the daffodils in the snow from my upstairs apartment, but I couldn't fully enjoy them because I remembered the trash in the yard, even so I didn't see it.

This looks like a trivial thing, but it isn't.  Carrying all these things in the mind is baggage.  People respond to the reality they hold in their heads, not what's really going on.  There is no out there out there.  Light doesn't even carry a speck of dust.  Yet humans carry everything, shopping lists, to do lists, what they want to do next, what they have done years ago, it's a huge, huge list of the mind being filled with things that exist in the mind only.  My body will take me to wherever I need to go to get whatever I need to get.  It has never failed me.  That's why I can always be at rest.

I can only do what I do, anything else is a figment of the mind.  I was looking at an almost empty bottle of water and thought that I need to buy some more.  Already my patterned mind had an agenda.  I couldn't just look at that bottle, my mind had to make up a story.  I will either buy more water or I won't.

Stimulus is everywhere, its a hook for the mind.

I have conquered the big things, like survival fear.  Now I am becoming aware of the little things that fill my mind unnecessarily.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The cliffs and more emptiness

Today is the equinox and I feel deader and emptier than ever.

The last few month, everything has ended.  We are done with it. 

Today feels new.  I have no idea whats going to happen.  The mind wants to fill in the blanks, but none of what my mind comes up with will happen.

I feel empty.  There is nothing in front of me.  I am lost.  All the things we've gone through have ended.  I saw my reflection in a window today and I looked like a ghost.  I don't know where I belong nor what this is all about.  We went through so much and nothing materialized.

Quantum physics is helping me make sense of this process. Most people see the universe as solid, unaware that everything is a wave until observed.  The reason why I feel so empty and walking on a cliff all the time is because 99.99% is empty space and I am becoming aware of this.  My life is starting to mimic the universe.  There is nothing except this moment and I don't have to carry the next moment, trying to figure it out and plan it.

Chop wood, carry water. To be here in this present moment is scary because it is so empty.  The mind wants action and excitement and for things to happen.  But there is nothing happening.  At the smallest particle even a bill is made up of atoms and the mind has a story about those black squiggles on a piece of paper.  Its that interpretation that makes people unhappy.  You have to become smaller and see life at the level of atoms otherwise its too big to handle and you'll get lost in the story.  Its all made up.

The universe isn't letting me get away with insanity by making up more illusion.  To the world I look insane because I have literally nothing except this moment.

This morning I had the idea that I should start packing.  I bent over to pick something up and my back gave out.  The pain was my body's response to stop me.  Just because I don't fit here anymore doesn't mean that I am going to move.  But my mind had to fill in the blanks and came up with that solution.  I just can't see myself dying here any longer.  My mind wanted to override my body's wisdom by getting ready to pack, so my body stepped in and responded with pain.  Now I can't do a thing except wait.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

No safety gear

The brain knows 6 seconds before I know what I am going to do because everything gets downloaded to the brain first from The Field and than is projected out there for me to interact with.

I as a conscious witness of my inner life am not making decisions.  I can only witness these decisions.  Something else is running my life and I have suspected that for a very long time.

What I want to do throughout the day is based on my patterns.  I am a creature of habit and these patterns are being interrupted more so every day.  I don't get to do what I want.   'Want' is based on conditioning.
Its a daily chiseling away of programming.  Whatever needs to get done will get done without any effort on my part.  People have opinions and no one I personally know is agreeing with my approach of doing nothing, which results in the friction I need to continue with my explorations.  I am always questioning everything.  Am I listening to them or am I following my gut, the unknown?

When you meet the Buddha, or whatever Guru, kill him and go further.  This is a journey where no one can help me.  I have dropped enough baggage and this process isn't scaring me nearly as much.  I feel lighter.

My son has been going through orientation with a trucking company for the past 3 weeks and will be gone probably for another week.  He has his own illusions.  People always want to solve problems that aren't there.  Instead of waiting for what shows up naturally he's already ahead of the game making plans.  He wants us to move to the cabin.  There is no running water nor electricity.  It would be living off-grid.

If I would act on people's illusions I would go crazy.  The body can't stand up and sit down at the same time, yet people are trying to do this all the time.  They are living their lives in their heads, which is totally incongruent.  The actions of the mind are based on what it knows and the actions of the body are based on what is needed.

My body is not preparing to move out to the cabin and I am not using my mind to force my body to pack up.  I listen to the wisdom of my body and neither my son, nor my mind, nor anyone else is going to override this.  I am relaxed in my body.

I trust my body and my body is always saying:  Do less.

People have stories about why they do what they do and these stories are totally unrelated.  Its all made up, yet they never notice.

My journey is a journey to sanity where the mind will never again rule.  Its a treacherous path and society has a required safety gear in the form of a big bank account, insurance, protection of all sorts.  I have none of that.  I am empty handed and I am facing all my fears.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The illusion of Money

Just yesterday I needed massive rest, and this morning it flipped.  My new life walked in, and its over my head.  How the fuck am I supposed to live it without the finances.  I don't even have enough to walk out the front door.

This is a hologram, and nothing is real.  The money is provided for every experience I am having. So, whatever awaits on the horizon will also bring in the money for it.

The opposite of everything is true.  There is no objective, independent reality "out there" and the experience I am processing isn't real.  Letting go of judgments, beliefs, opinions and fears; withdrawing, disconnecting, or switching off any power assigned to a person, place or thing within the hologram; that is my process.  That's why I have to leave my comfort zone to bust all these illusions.  That I need to earn money is the biggest illusion.

That's enough to pee in your pants.  I am going out into the world empty handed.  When you are ready things start moving very quickly.

The hardest part is to leave my kids.  They are 21 and 23, and they take care of themselves.  Still, its a lot to ask.  I have to do a bunch of releasing on that one.  That's the part I am not ready for.  And this too isn't real, but I give it so much power. 

All the things people are attached to, their photo albums, their memories, their friends, places, jobs, identities, things.  All of these are illusions.  We are inside a hologram.  Nothing is real.  It's just a wave until observed and than it turns into a particle.  Behind me nothing exists.  To my right nothing exists.  To my left nothing exists until I look at it.

There is a chapter on money in Butterflies are free to fly - Money.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

A new stage of metamorphosis

I fell

I have been sick since Sunday, unable to sleep and eat, shivering.  This one is a doozie.  There isn't an ounce of energy left in me.


Monday, March 3, 2014

This is not an intellectual journey

We cling to our believes to give us the false sense of control and those believes keep us from living an expanded life.  We are capable of only repeating the same old, same old with nothing new coming in.

Take a fundamental Christian for instance.  Their believes keep them pinned in the corner while judging the rest of the world as evil.  Believes, judgments and opinions keep me stuck in illusion.

A year ago I was told to go into the unknown empty handed.  We moved to Lenoir while my son was recovering from his accident.  I thought that was it.  But now I find out that I haven't even scratched the surface of empty-handed.   The abyss that isn't there is getting scarier.  Why does illusion have such a grip?

The mind cannot understand this journey.  This is a journey of losing the mind.  The destruction of everything I have known.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

I walked away

I walked away from a friendship.  If someone wants to constantly change me and see something wrong with what I do with my life than that's abuse.  I have no room for that.  Not accepting me and trying to push me along to fit into their illusion isn't working.  Life is an intricate paradox.  You can't tell someone how to live their life.

People see me as they are not as I am.  This was a parent-child relationship where she couldn't wait to fix me. There was always an undertone of 'I know better than you and I am here to teach you.' I am not allowed to feel what I feel.  I don't even treat my kids that way.  I have a relationship of equality with them.

Lots of changes are happening, mainly because I am dropping my patterns.  You can't be afraid to be alone, you can't be afraid of death and you can't have survival fears.  Than you can truly be a free expression of who you really are.

Disclaimer: This is just an opinion.  Tomorrow will be different.

There is nothing concrete, everything is always changing.  I really don't know anything except feel like shit.  If this journey could be figured out we would have done that a long time ago.  I feel a void and emptiness around everything.  It feels like I am falling off a cliff.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

What is illusion?

The higher you go the more you see

Everything contradicts each other.  Truth exists for only a moment and than its gone, it vanishes like a rainbow as you get closer to it the rainbow disappears. If you are far away rainbows are, but if you come nearer they dissolve.  In this world of illusion nothing is certain.

The western interpretation for illusion is ‘unreal,’ which isn’t right.  Shankara says with senses there is no possibility to know whether the thing confronting you is real or unreal.  Illusion means an impossibility to decide whether it is real or unreal.

Everything is just an interpretation of something.  That’s why I make up several contradictory reasons so that I am not stuck in my narrow view and I expand into multidimensionality. Every truth has several contradictory aspects. 

This whole world is confusion, always escaping, always turning into something else.  If you try to understand this illusion, your very effort will confuse you more. Nothing is certain; everything is uncertain; a flux of change, with no possibility to decide whether this or that is true or false. When you see that everything which cannot be decided is illusory, you will automatically turn to yourself. The only point where you can have a center is in your own being. That is certain.

For me the outer world is falling away.  It has no ground, no grip.  I am trusting my inner world.

People build illusion like crazy and when I come in contact with them they whip me with those illusions, trying to get me to join them.  I can’t.  Light carries nothing, not even a speck of dust.  I am dropping illusion like crazy, becoming light-er.

There are always millions of things to do, the chores of the day, which can keep you endlessly busy.   I can no longer do the things I used to do.  My life is so much simpler.  The mind can't understand how things get done if you don't think about them.  They do get done because the body knows what to do.  The body is in tune with reality while the mind is not.  The body flows with reality while the mind constantly tries to talk you out of it.  The mind is programmed not to accept what is.

The child doesn't worry and stays in the moment effortlessly.  Unless you become as a child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Life takes place effortlessly.  Its a matter of trust and not meddling, wanting things your own way.

29 years ago I got married without lifting a finger.  It was a large wedding.  I even moved out into the country for 2 months before the wedding without a phone so that I couldn't be reached.  People put so much effort into planning every detail when in fact it has already all been taken care off. All I had to do is show up.  The universe, God, or whatever you want to call it does all the planning down to the smallest detail. Every person knew what to do.  My new sister-in-law remarked on how calm and collected I was. 

I am shown what I am supposed to do and so is everyone else.  I don't have to convince anyone or manipulate them into doing something for me.  In fact if I bring it up they will resist.  It has to look as if its coming from them, that they came up with the idea. And that's how the universal law works.  Everything gets downloaded into the brain for us to act on it.  

This is my experience and that's why I can go deeper and let go.  My mind isn't torturing me trying to understand how anything can get done without planning it first.

When I moved to the US I had 100 pounds of luggage. It was 6:55 AM when I left the house.  With every step the luggage got heavier as I walked to the train station.  I wanted to leave some of it by the road side, that's where I saw a taxi at the gas station.  I walked up to him and asked if he could give me a ride to the train station.  He wanted to know where I was going.  I said to Frankfurt to catch a plane.  He said that he is from Frankfurt and that he miscalculated the fare for the passenger he dropped off in my town and he was waiting for the gas station to open.  He took me to Frankfurt, a 4-hour drive for the price of the train ticket, which was about $11.00.  I could not have planned this better myself.