Monday, July 6, 2015

It's so simple

Trip to Europe. Ellmau Austria

This winter I spent 6 months slowing way, way down while my mind protested with so many questions and fears showing up. That's not the way it's done in society.  The mind wants to speed up but I learned to do the opposite. There is so much space in my life where things can happen.  I don't need to control anything anymore.

I noticed that I was always upset and my life was filled with distractions, my patterns and habits dictated my day.    

There is only one upset, the loss of the present.  Slowing down and breathing brings me back to the present.

I stopped controlling my attention and allowed it to go wherever it wanted. Little did I know that this was the preparation for a trip to Germany, France, Switzerland, Liechtenstein and Austria with my son, my daughter and her friend.  Next week I am going on a cross-country trip.

Knowing my own upsets helps me to not pin it on the outside world.  My ego doesn't come out to play when I am accused of so much.  People see me through their filters and project their shit onto me.  None of it is mine, but they make it mine.  Objecting would turn it into quarrels.  I can't reason with them. I don't have to defend myself. The universe takes care of that with inarguable punches.  I only have to feel what it brings out in me.  Their response is where they are in their journey and my response shows me where I am in my journey. I am done pleasing people. 

I let go of what my mind wants.  Life is born out of nothingness and not from the mind.  The mind only knows the familiar.  I don't know anything about this moment at all.  There is nothing to understand.  I live in the emptiness which isn't really empty, it is filled to the brim, bursting out of it's seams.

Only the mind is moving.  I am not moving as much as I used to because I no longer have to attend to everything.  Some people need a lot of movement and they expect me to do the same. When my movements are less than theirs then I am labeled lazy.  When my movements don't match their expectations then I am labeled crazy.

My life is like a well-oiled machine.  I used to fire too soon because I thought I had to take care of the logistics of my life.  That runs on it's on.  Any doing will only interfere in the perfection. Unaligned actions are like a nail gun, bringing my flow to a screeching halt.  I wait for what shows up naturally. 

Going really, really slow is something the mind can't grasp. Relaxing and slowing down, it's so simple I almost missed it.  So much is happening in my life now because I don't get overwhelmed. There is nothing I need to take care of. The only thing I have to do is relax and breathe.

I am light.  I don't carry anything.  I am around people. I don't take on their stuff.  I don't try to help them.  It's no longer my reality.

This is the beginning of a new life.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

The Gift

Today is my birthday.  I received a gift that I would have despised in the past.

I am having a horrible day.  Cellular cleaning days are hell!  But in order to make room for my new life I have to release attachments and patterns. Understanding this makes it easier.  Otherwise my mind would have a field day bombarding me with images of despair, sorrow, the end of my life. 

A lot of internal rearranging is going on, cords are being cut.  Before massive changes there is massive death. 

When new energy comes in there is no way to go back to the old, but the old has to be released and that's wherein the cruelty lies.

I don't have to figure out the next step.  There is nothing to act on, nothing I need to do.  Just let it wash through me hitting every uncomfortable note on it's way out.  I will come out of this.  The sun will shine again and the journey will be so much sweeter.  I just can't see that right now.  It hurts like hell.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Nerves for Living

The dismantling process is over.  It’s getting easier.  I look back and I laugh.  Why was I so afraid throughout this entire journey.  It was only shadows.  Now that the light is shining on it I see that there is nothing to be scared off.

I flow faster.  As soon as I am done with one experience the next shows up.  I do less, yet each experience shows me more because my capacity to feel sensations has increased.  It is essential not to live from the mind.  My mind is not leading.   I still go very, very deep into the abyss.  But those times don’t last as long and the upside is so wonderful.  I don’t exactly welcome the downside, but that’s where I need to go to get me higher.  It’s like a catapult.  I go inside first and than I soar without effort.  If you want to stand tall, slouch first and it’s easier to stand up straight.  It’s the total relaxing and resting into the present that escalate me to higher highs.

Rage is still there, but it’s short-lived, and I am not afraid of it.  An incredible sweetness is showing up on the other side.  I am not as frozen with emotion.  Still defrosting, I am shown truth that I would not have been able to bear in the past.  Letting go of attachments isn’t easy.  Truth is heresy.

I never know how I show up.  My ego and patterns have held me back.  They cost me everything.  It’s a constant letting go and dying often.  I am used to it now.  I don’t get to hold onto anything.  I don’t know who I Am.  When I am certain of something it changes.  The emptier I am the more I am filled with joy.    There is a dance between heaven and hell, the contrast between soaring high and getting smashed against the cliff.   Each moment comes to life and dies, never to return.

That’s where I am now, still in transition of letting go of deeper illusions.  Steve Davis who wrote “Butterflies are free to fly” lives in constant joy.  I am not there yet.  I am following his model until it’s being replaced with something else.  I am experiencing more joy than ever.  The lengthy, gut wrenching, not having a clue what’s going on, is OVER.

Last year I thought my life was over.  I now see so many possibilities, but only if I let go of carrying it. There is enough light in me where everything is making sense.  I only have energy for the things I am supposed to do.  I get stressed quickly when my patterns want to take over.  Planning, arranging, thinking, figuring things out, drain me instantaneously and make me sick.  I have become so light that I can’t hold onto anything, not even thoughts.  I still have them, but they are just clouds, coming and going.   

I still don’t have any income.  My 21-year old son is providing for me.  Something I have been battling with for a long time.  It won’t change until I fully accept it, and than it won’t matter.  I let go of the attachments to my kids and it has brought us closer.   I stopped trying to change things.  They change through me observing what they bring out in me.  I feel more and deeper.

I am very homesick to visit Germany this year.  We don’t have the money to go.  It’s never about the finances.  It’s about letting go of my patterns, not carrying anything, and not letting my mind override the wisdom that runs my life.  The logistics are always taken care off.  They are none of my concern.  All I have to do is show up and play.  It takes nerves to live that way.  Believing is seeing.

I am not a victim of the outside world.  There is no out there out there. My neighbors are asses sometimes but they have no choice.  They are following a script for me.  Anything that gets my goat gets delivered until it no longer matters.  That’s the journey to freedom. When my internal world changes the outer world follows suit.  Sometimes I wished I had money so I could run away to a better place but it wouldn’t be better because I would still be the same.  This place has the perfect arrangement for me to face everything right here, right now.