Wednesday, March 28, 2012


My threshold was too low to handle my life.  My system reorganized itself at a higher level.   The events in my life pushed me over the edge so that my old map of dealing with things could be replaced with a new map.  However, it didn't last long.  I am back to being pushed over the edge again.  This will continue at ever greater intervals.  In other words, my life sucks.

 Ilya Prigogine's theory on system reorganization explained.

Change in direction

The beauty of the body

I have entered new territory, something I don't know anything about.  

I don't belief that meditation results in calmness.  I belief you have to boil over before you can reach calmness.   People meditate but when meditation is over they are still the same asshole they were before.

How can you become still by sitting still and concentrate on your breath?  Where is the paradox in this?  All the shit that is in you has to come up before you can be still.

The universe is in charge of this evolutionary process and not the mind.   I am losing my mind.  I have to wait this out and see where this is going.  I am a fish out of water.

When people speak they are reporting on an illusion in their heads.

Because the universe moves at warp speed I say very little.  By the time I am done talking things will have changed zillions of times and I will have missed everything.  I am more in a state of observing what shows up energetically.  I rely on my body to give me accurate readings rather than on my mind which holds no truth.

Monday, March 26, 2012


We had different people living with us for the past three months.   It has taken its toll on me.  I've been pushed over the edge.

The latest 18 year old guy moved in, than came his dog who I ended up taking care of because he won't, and now his girlfriend is also living here.  He takes the truck without permission and without having a driver's license, there are other things.  The old me would have shown them the door, enough is enough, but in the new energy I have to wait and see what the universe is trying to show me. 

I want to break out of this confinement.  This is bringing up a lot of stuff.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The universe loves speed

I thought the equinox would bring relief.  It didn't.   Everything is more chaotic, things happen quicker.

Last Monday we got another car.  Just as quickly as it came into our lives it was taken away after only 6  days.  Yesterday my son drove it to see his grandparents.  It broke down, something with the transmission.  It took 9 hours to get it back here.  I don't think it will get fixed.  The car served it's purpose, we no longer need it.   Something else will show up.

Things come and go so fast because I am now able to live at that speed.  I needed a car, it appeared,  now it's gone, apparently I don't need a car right now.  I think it's because I have to chill at home to get ready energetically for the move to wherever.

In the past 3 months people have moved in and out, some paying rent, others staying for free.  We now have 2 young guys and a dog staying with us.  Each one has their unique energetic imprints and I always have to adapt to them because they can't adapt to me.  They are frozen like the rest of the patriarchal mind population who can only perceive their little world that they were forced to create.  When I have gotten what I need they move out instantaneously without much ado and someone else takes their place.  The universe loves speed.

My capacity for life has increased through emotional releases of everything that is not my true Self.  It has and still is the cruelest journey of all.  Releasing fears, terror, insanity and limitations is as bad as it gets, but it also makes me a very strong person.  I would not be able to live like this if it weren't so.  I constantly have to adapt.

Sometimes I feel sick because of so much happening.  I get just enough time to stabilize before the next thing shows up and I never know what that might be, it's always a surprise.   This moment prepares me for the next.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Uncomfortable magic

Doing nothing is better than doing something.  Doing something requires undoing.  I do nothing and accomplish everything.

Living in the present moment takes nerves of steel.  You can't add anything to it.  If you add more or the wrong items to a recipe it will taste horrible.  And so it is with life, if you add something it will be horrible.

Life is changing to give us what we need and not what we want.  What we need is always the super perfect expression of freedom from the patriarchal mind. 

Energetically I am no longer here.  We are moving out by May 17th.  Where we are going I don't know.  My son thinks that he is going to move in with a friend.

The universe knows that we are ready for this move.  My mind says this is way over my head.  From experience I know that the next place will be magical as was this one even so I didn't see it in the beginning.  I thought this was the worst place on earth.  I am grateful for all the experiences we had here and the great care and love with which they were delivered.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

No Agenda

Our yard looks like a redneck's paradise.  My son collects a lot of stuff and it's all over the place.   The landlord wants it cleaned up.   Good luck with that one.   I am not telling my son what to do, we don't have those kinds of conversations.  

The landlord has a problem with the yard, he wants it to look differently.  His insanity is none of my concern.   I can't force my body to clean it up.   Even picking up an empty beer can from the ground is too heavy when it's not meant to be.  In the world of illusion this seems insane, but in reality this is the sanest thing there is.  

In the world of illusion people force their bodies to get things done.  All force is ignorance.  When the mind tries to override the body's wisdom the body will make you sick or find other ways to stop you.  That's why there are so many diseases, it's the result of insanity.

I don't have an agenda.  Life arises out of stillness and not out of an agenda.  Whatever I do, I do without my mind.  Things don't get done when the mind decides it.  Things get done when the body decides it.

My son is doing what he is supposed to, filling up the yard with more stuff.  I could talk to him about cleaning it up until I am blue in the face, it wouldn't work, he cannot not do what he is doing.

Reality is:  The yard looks the way it does.  I can't change that.  All force is ignorance.  I have to accept 'what is'. 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Edge

The edge keeps moving.  

When you can't go on that's where you decided to stop.   The old internal map has become obsolete and a new, more accurate map is going to take it's place.  The time between the old and the new can be a very trying and horrifying time because we don't know what's going to show up and we can't control what's going to show up. 

And when you have gone over the edge you will find that there has never been an edge, that it was only an illusion.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Natural Consequences

I am in my body which doesn't grant giving in to people's insane expectations of what should be.  

There is only one upset, the loss of the present.  

People are never present thus always upset.  You can tell by movies and TV shows.  The way people relate to each other is through drama.  That's the model we are given.  There are few sane people on this planet.

When you are sane you are like a rag doll, always breathing, never holding your breath, always in your body, never letting anyone pull you out of your body.  

Take everything deep into your body, resist nothing.  The body is always in the present moment, the mind never is.

Therefore I allow the universe to take care of the people I upset, that's called Natural Consequences.  I pay attention to what I am supposed to do and leave the rest up to the universe.  What others want is none of my concern.  I am Self-ish instead of selfish.  Now that's a paradox.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Who awakens spontaneously?

We are not objects, that's why medicating and distracting ourselves isn't working.  I have to face everything.  I can't just go shopping or have plenty of projects going to make myself feel better.  Numbing myself isn't working.  

I don't know where we are going.  The masses haven't even started to wake up.  When I feel this bad I stay with it and tell myself tomorrow is another day.  That's the only way for me to go into the depth of this horror show knowing that tomorrow will be different.

I have heard of people having spontaneous awakening, who felt peace and bliss ever since.  I would like to meet those people, because I am not one of them.  For me every upside has an equal downside.  I can't run away from it.  Today I am going down.