Friday, November 29, 2013

There is no mercy

The nervous system gets prepared before the physical changes.  I know I can do all things, but when my nervous system can't handle it nothing new will happen.  

My circuits are overloaded.  There is much to let go.  All my mind sees are problems, when in fact I am being refined.  I am going much deeper into my nervous system.

The spaces are getting bigger.   The challenge is, living in these spaces.  Nothing works, nothing to grab onto.  Rescue shows up the last moment, but mostly, not at all.  Always falling apart without a chance of being put back together.  It requires a new response: Feeling (like crap most the time).  That's what people are working so hard to run away from.

No amount of begging will make this stop.  Forerunners take the brunt. 

At least I had the most amazing Thanksgiving with my children.  There was no ego.   It's all worth it.

Monday, November 25, 2013

The next step

480 Harley-Davidson Truck

I've been going through the shredder over and over.  It feels like I am not going to survive the next 2 years.

My son found a co-signer for a loan and went off to truck driving training.  It feels right to go with this particular center in Asheville rather than the one that has the free training.

When he is done I will be going on the road with him.  This is what the universe has arranged and its the most potent and radical step for me to give up control. 

I am done with this place.  If we were to move I would just pick up where I left off.  Being on the road most the time will totally interrupt my patterns.

Looking back, I can see how the universe prepared me for it throughout this year.  Still, it came as a shock.

The truck driving training will take 4 weeks because that's how long it takes for the universe to prepare me for the changes.   I am glad I have some time.

3D preparation looks like this:  People running around like chickens with their heads cut off; planning every detail; to-do lists; endless discussions; exhaustion; all mental and all doing; attention on the future. 

5D preparation looks like this: Releasing my ideas of how this should look like; releasing blocks so that I can trust the universe to take care of all the details; looking to my inner world first; being here this moment where nothing else exists; relaxing into this moment.  This moment prepares me for the next.

My relationship with my son is being taken to a new level.  Thus, the relationship with myself is taken to a new level.

In order for this to work I have to take me first.

Friday, November 22, 2013

The purging of form

I am not a materialistic person, not that this is a bad thing.  That's why I was surprised when the purging of form showed up.  I had no idea how deeply I was still attached to the outer.  This was a horrible, horrible process of destruction.  It felt as if I was not going to come out of it alive, as if I was not going to survive it.

Today I feel so much better.

No two people experience reality the same way.  This is a holographic universe.  Therefore my life is not dependent on others.  I am not participating in their dramas.   What's true for others is not true for me.  Even my own truth keeps changing.  Truth is only true for a moment and than it's no longer true.  Actually, there is no truth, only experience.

I am ready for new experiences.  We'll see what will be projected for me from the holographic field.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The ledge is getting narrower

I don't have energy for the physical world because all my energy is spent dealing with the energetic world, the vibrational makeup of things, which is physically exhausting.

The energies of multiple possibilities are reaching me and I get to experience each one as if its real.

I am being stretched beyond my capabilities.  If I stay stretched I will burn out.  I get to relax, but not all the way back to the way it was before.  This is the fibonacci dance, two steps in the unknown, one step back to the familiar.   

The mind is being phased out.  We are turning into feeling beings.  Things are being provided on an as needed basis, which means living on the ledge.  As we mature the ledge gets narrower.

Every day there is a new spin on things and every day I get sent into a tailspin, releasing emotions and limitations.  Through this I see how very small my life is.

We went to the bank to get a $6,000 loan so that my son can start his truck driving training on Sunday. We were denied, but the loan officer told us about a trucking company that provides free training for their students.  He will start in 7 weeks when he turns 21 and he will be driving all over the country.

My life here is coming to an end.  I don't know where and how I am going to continue.  One thing is sure, its not going to be the way I think.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Sometimes its hard to figure out what the universe wants

I was wrong again.  I had a dream that we are staying.  That we are moving had to appear real so that the universe could get the point across, which is, I still want way too much control.  Now that the illusion burst, we can't go back to the way things were.

Immediately, the mind fills in the blanks.  Something shows up and the mind has it already figured out how its going to be.

My mind is trying to find a solution to get us out of the hole that isn't there.  To the mind, constantly hanging over an abyss (that isn't there) calls for emergency measures.  But there is no emergency.  Nothing in a holographic universe is real, its all illusion.

I just want to shout this over and over again:  THIS ISN'T REAL.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The universe rearranges itself according to my picture of reality.

Two days into reading 'Butterflies are free to fly' my life rearranged itself.  My son lost his job.  I have no idea how this is going to unravel.  The exterior always changes when the interior changes.  I am more relaxed than ever.  I don’t have to worry about anything.  What shows up will be the perfect match for us.

For the mind this is too much to handle.  I am turning it over to the universe.  It’s not my problem.  I am here to play, not make decisions.  Things are getting really simple.

Lately I find myself saying:  ‘It’s not real.’  In the holographic universe nothing is real, it only appears real.  It’s a mirage.  This takes the edge off.  I don’t have to do anything about anything.  If I do something about it I make it real.  When I don’t respond to a ‘problem’ I leave it at the level of energy and I breeze through it by transmuting it and it’s gone.  I feel the energy of things, not the matter.  Matter slows me down, energy speeds me up.

Space has expanded tremendously.  All my activities are surrounded by so much S.P.A.C.E.  Nothing matters.  I only do what my body moves me to do, which isn’t much.  I attend to whatever comes into this space.  The universe does all the planning to the smallest detail.  I do all the feeling.  I no longer try to control anything.

Friday, November 15, 2013

We'll be moving, but first the crucifixion

I feel THE END, total death.  There is so much to feel, so much more sadness coming up, so many changes.  This step can’t be skipped.  It will take as long as it will take.  I hope this will be resolved by the time we move.

Cruci-fiction - It's not real, it only appears real.

It looks like we will be moving to Asheville, NC.  My son wants to do a 4 week truck driving training there next month.  I will join him at the end of December when we move everything out of here.

At this point we don’t have the money for any of this, but it will show up miraculously as always.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

So much uncertainty

I thought it was over, but it’s just beginning.  The more I release the crazier my life gets.

There is so much movement, stops and goes.  Everything is imploding on itself, like big waves that come crashing down.  I don't know where I am nor where I am going.

More maturity is required of me now and that's why I experience these tremendous highs and lows.  I love, love, love my life right here, right now.  That's where I make the mistake.  It has nothing to do with where I am nor what I do.  It has something to do with this moment.  My capacity to embrace this moment has multiplied.  If I think that my love is based on the external than I will make the external more important than the internal.  What goes on in my life has nothing to do with the external.  When you are ready to be offended an apple will offend you.

There is a new aliveness in me, but there is also a much deeper sadness going on.  A woman at the farmers market picket that up.  She said that when she looked at me there was so much sadness but now my aura feels really good.   I told her that I cannot hide anything anymore.  When I feel more, people will also feel more.

The same with anger, it’s fiery. I am always alone when that shows up.  And than there is such incredible peace.  I have become a cyclone that expresses all these feelings.

I am in a womb that protects me.  Everything is planned for me to the smallest detail.  Knowing this, I can trust the process.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

It looks like its over

All the bullshit lifted.  I feel light, like a brand new person.  Who knows how long this is going to last.  I have the feeling this is more permanent.   I want to dance and have fun.  There is a definite change in the air.  I am waking up to a new life.  I feel free.

My son is coming back from Ohio tonight.  I am going to pick him up in a few hours.  I had a few days alone to let myself go to a dark, sad place and wallowed there.  You can only go as high as you can go low.  I came out of it, flying as high as a kite.

This has got to be it, for I can take no more.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Game keeps changing

When you are physically out of the loop but the mind is still in the loop and wants the familiar it will cause a lot of upheaval.  This is what it takes to lose the mind.

11-11 is coming up.  This one is a doozie.  I have been feeling horrible the last 3 days, but starting to come out of it.

The brain will change to support an environment (Bruce Lipton).  That’s why I’ve been so angry.  My situations are changing but my brain wants to keep looping through the same responses, which are no longer supported by these new situations, and that’s why I am at a loss and my response is anger.  I need new responses, but my brain hasn’t found a new pathway yet.  This will change in time, but for now it’s bringing up issues.  Its getting under my skin.

I feel I have been camping out at the base camp most of this year to acclimate myself, getting ready for an even deeper descend into the unknown.

It's time to go further down the rabbit hole, facing the inside rather than forcing the outside my way, which is absurd because there is no ‘out there’ out there.

You always get what you don’t want.  Because what you don’t want, that’s where you are stuck. Accepting everything without judgment.  There is no good nor bad.


Friday, November 8, 2013

Are You Aggravated Yet?

It seems to me that the Universe wants me mad; really, really mad.  And I am about there.  I am being push over my limits and than some.

Nothing is working, things are breaking down, even simple things like doing the laundry, plants dying, or idiotic neighbors, and the list goes on.

My entire existence is tearing and dissolving.  This is the way of the caterpillar.  Total dissolution.

I am not doing much anymore.  Routines wear me out.  My son spent a week in Delaware at a world championship and tomorrow he is leaving for Virginia.  Routines would really make me explode right now.  I need lots of space and aloneness and I am getting it.

The world keeps rearranging itself according to my needs.  There is no 'out there' out there.

Still, I have only one nerve left.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

More Illusion

I read 'Butterflies are free to fly', tried that hat on for a while and decided that its just another illusion.

I don't know the truth.  So far untruth has been stripped away but no truth has shown up.  I am hanging in limbo.   I don't know whats real.

I go through extremes.  The darkness gets very dark, but it doesn't last as long as it used to.  Maybe I am feeling the collective today and the darkness I am feeling isn't mine.

I don't know anything.  Nobody has any answers.  I'd like to make sense of it all, but there isn't any.  Its a boat that rocks anyway it wants to.  I have no control over it.  There is nothing concrete to hold on to.  Just when I thought I had it figured out its slipping through my fingers again and I am back at zero.  Maybe that's where I am supposed to be.

Monday, November 4, 2013

The next step

My life has changed radically, however, the next step hasn't shown up yet.  I can't even imagine the next step.  No one can until they have taken that step.  I feel its going to be a big one.

I want to break out, but I have to wait.  I don't know where to turn.  It has to show up on its own.  I feel its just around the corner.  I have to go forward because I can't stay where I am.  Nothing resonates.  I need a new fit.  I am finished here.