Monday, April 22, 2013


The gap between yesterday and today is huge.  Everything behind me dropped off.  I am walking on new ground.  Spelling has taken on a world of its own.  My mind can't go anywhere anymore.  It doesn't want to think.  It just wants to be still.

I have no concept of anything.   I feel like a little kid in a new world who just wants to play.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Everybody creates their own world

Just yesterday for a split moment I questioned my sanity, survival issues crept up.  The fear and terror I felt. Its one of those moments when I thought 'when will this ever end.'  And then I decided I wasn't going to listen to my mind anymore.  The mind will always have its bleak commentary and I am shutting it off.  No More of this nonsense.   

I have been waiting for my mind to transcend, but that doesn't seem to happen.  I have to make the conscious choice and not listen to it ever again.  And with that I won't let it take me down its dark corridors.  I will lure it out into the light. 

I have been living in darkness on my way out of the matrix for almost 2 decades and now I am in a new internal landscape.  My journey has just began.   There is a tree that develops its roots for 8 years and than suddenly grows exponentially. And that's what's happening with me.  I am coming to life.  When I was under ground I didn't see anything and now as I am emerging I see EVERYTHING.

It's imperative not to have an agenda.  Any agenda puts me right back into the old.  The new is created out of nothingness, stillness.

I manifested free lunch the other day and thought:  'Why don't I do this more often.'  The answer came immediately:  'Because of the ego.'  I am not quite out of the woods with my ego.  If I would manifest things more often it could get to my head.

I kept waiting for big changes in my external landscape, but it didn't happen.  I am still around the same people.  Only by now they seem to be fed up with my lifestyle, wanting me to get a job.  What else can you expect coming from their dysfunctional matrix minds.  I brush it off and laugh. 

I bought eggs from a local farmer.  He asked if I work.  I said 'No.'  He said: 'Some people have got it made.'  I thought:  'Its not my fault when your mind is beating the shit out of you.'  Do you know how alien it feels being around these people?  They are so persistent in their illusions and insist I join them.  That's not going to happen.

Observation creates the entire universe.  Atoms are spread out all over the place until a conscious observer looks at it.  There is no locality, there are no objects, there are only relationships.  Scientists confirm that reality is an illusion.  Illusions come from within the mind.  We cannot grasp that which is beyond with our limited perception.  The only realities we know are the ones our brain manufactures.  The brain receives millions of signals and we organize them and project them outside ourselves and call it reality.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Tarot Reading

My Tarot reading (abbreviated): 

#65.  This here-now is forgotten when you start thinking in terms of achieving something.  When the achieving mind arises, you lose contact with the paradise you are in.

#69.  You can be in the present only if you are not ambitious.  All ambition leads you into the future.

#7.  Mind can never be intelligent.  Only no-mind is intelligent.  Only no-mind is original and radical.

#6.  Our partner functions as a mirror, reflecting unseen aspects of our deeper self and supporting us to become whole.  Compassion is the highest phenomenon.  Compassion is above love.

#78.  Your base is solid now and success and good fortune are yours for they are the outcome of what has already been experienced within.

Do your own free Osho Tarot Reading here.

Monday, April 8, 2013

When Illusions fall away

And so . . . .

a big chunk of illusion fell away. The familiar was gone.  I felt lost and stupid.  Didn't know where to run to nor hide.  That was my first reaction.  It gave way to aching beauty.  My consciousness had expanded to allow more light and life.

I am suddenly not operating on only one cylinder.  I am operating on millions of cylinders.

What I have noticed is that when the universe takes me to those places where I have to let go of something and it feels like death, the universe shakes it up a bit so that I won't go over board.  The upside shows up so that I won't wallow in the downside because the mind has a way of making things look really bleak.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

The bitter planet

Self love
For the past 2 years I have been living with a lot of people.  The one thing that stands out is that they are all bitter.  They are blaming others for their horrible lives, and they are working so hard to change THEM.

True happiness comes from a connection inside yourself that you can share with another not make another responsible for.  

The mind knows only lack, and that's what people are so attached to, their minds. 

Wanting something from another is abuse.  

If I thought that my happiness and success in life depended on another person or things I would quit right now.  I am not at the beg and call of others.

I already have everything.  I am done.  The struggle is over.  I can go now and play.  Because everything else is illusion. 

The road to wholeness is hell, but once you are there, its beautiful.

It's been a long journey.  I need rest.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

When the abyss becomes your friend

I hurled myself into the abyss and discovered its my friend.  This is the alchemical gold.  The only way to deal with the abyss is to relax into it.  Trying to change it is futile.  I can't get out of it.

When the bombs go off I've already been prepared for it.  My son doesn't have a job to go back to. I already knew that before we moved here.  His company didn't get the contract to continue with the expansion.  Lenoir is a small town and there are no jobs, but here we are, the perfect place, the perfect time.