Monday, May 30, 2011


I got detonated, blown up into billions of pieces.  I don't know how to put myself back together.  A new person is emerging out of this.  I thought I could finally move on.

We are supposed to move out by tomorrow, but it doesn't look like it.  My son and ex can't get themselves to move anything except the beds and washing machine, things I could actually use.  I am sleeping on a mat on the floor, which I love.  I wash my clothing in the sink, I love that also.  I want to go back to a simpler live, close to nature.   

It took 100 people 2 months to clean out the house of a hoarder.  I don't think this place can be cleaned out in one day and I am not helping.  I sit in a lounge chair with my feet in the grass, that's where I belong.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Reality check

People seek illusion because its safe and familiar.  Reality is too much to handle, you don't know whats next.  You get to experience the bliss of the moment and than it has to die to make room for the bliss of the next moment.  You are always hanging over a cliff not knowing if something will catch you.  You get to love what shows up instead of rejecting it.  Reality only knows beauty.

When you allow your mind to be in charge you close because the mind is afraid to open.  Anything mental is brutal.  The mind feeds on illusion.

This moment is full of this moment, just show up to the party, without death you cannot come.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Snake Totem

I saw 2 snakes today when I went for a walk.  I saw one snake and forgot about it, then the universe sent another and I almost stepped on it.  I thought I better listen.  

Snake energy is the energy of wholeness, cosmic consciousness, wisdom, vitality and the ability to experience anything willingly and without resistance.  It also signals a transition in your life, new opportunities and changes.

Snake is fire medicine, the medicine of transmutation. Snake magic is heavy magic.  Become the Magician and transmute the energy and accept the power of the fire.

Once snakes have fully shed their old skin, their eyes clear up and they leave the place, never looking back. Snake comes when we are moving toward change and need to let go of our old self and adapt to the new.

Snakes awaken spiritual and magical intuition. They are associated with unseen creative forces at work.

Snakes are sensitive to their environment, they are silent and calm, but within this creature is coiled power that can deliver lethal blows, with well timed and startling accuracy. 

The snake is a powerful totem, symbolizing eternity, wisdom, transformation and intuition. Their wisdom is expressed as healer.   The symbol of physicians and alchemists shows two snakes wrapped around a staff. This supports their totem reputation as healer.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


The conditioned mind can't cope with reality.   In order to let go of illusion the mind has to be tricked.  Illusions are lies, but they have a hold on people who think its real.  

Any communication is no more than a report on a condition within that person, and that condition is insanity.  If you can't be here in this moment without your baggage you are insane.   

You don't get to decide what you are present to.  Presence is beyond the mind.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The master in us

Michaelangelo:  "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
The angel was already in the block of marble.  Michaelangelo didn't force it to become something else.  Imagine if he had forced even one stroke.   Only a master trusts the next stroke, the next move.

I can't even draw a god with a pencil, much less carve a statue out of a rock.  It is said that pictures cannot capture the beauty of the statue, you have to see it in person.  Michaelangelo produced many masterpieces.  He was a sculptor, architect, painter, poet.  We all are masters but only if we let go.  Holding on is a learned behavior.  We were forced to do what is safe, what everyone else is doing.  Greatness is already in us.  Masters left their work to show us to let go.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Observing vs. meddling

Life is like a board game.  When you meddle you get to repeat the experience.  When you observe you get to advance to the next phase.

I have been living at my ex's apartment for over 3 months.  He got married and is now living with his wife.  He is a hoarder and his stuff is still here.   We have to be out of here by the end of the month.

This is the strangest move ever.  My mind is flipping.   One more week left and they are not moving anything out of here.   Every room is filled with stuff.  My mind is expecting this to go a certain way but its not happening.  Their actions give me problems, but I won't meddle.  Now my mind is trying to figure out what's going on.  My son just left with an empty trailer to go to his dad's place.  Why didn't he load it up?   How are they going to get all this stuff out of here by the end of the month?

My conclusion:   Illusion makes sense.  Reality is insane.  In the world of illusion what appears sane is insane and what appears insane is sane.

It is so hard to observe and accept everything the way it is.  I want to meddle and know what's going on, but I won't because I am not going to repeat this experience.  So I am going to allow it to be the way it is.  I feel insane right now.  What makes you insane also makes you sane.

I have to get smaller.  I can't look at this with an agenda.  I can't give it the label 'moving'.  Moving is made up of many moments.  I can't decide what's going to happen in the next moment, nor what it should look like.  I have to allow the moment to show me what's supposed to happen.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Moving forward

That anything is moving is only an illusion.  When it appears that you are moving forward its your minds interpretation that there is an outside.  There is only inside. 

We never move forward, we only move inward.

Ripples don't move outward, they move up and down.  It only appears that they are moving outward.

Nothing is as it appears.

Life is standing still and you don't want to stand still because than you have to feel hell and discomfort, than you have to start noticing things that you don't want to notice.  So you use force to keep things moving.
The more energy we expend to keep things going the further out from our centers we are.

When we're operating so far off from our real selves the faster and harder we have to work. The closer I move to the center of who I am, to love and acceptance, the less effort I have to expend and the more I'm going to enjoy the ride: I might actually notice that everything is taken care off without my doing and I can engage with other people without wanting something from them.  I can notice the sky, the trees.  The scary part is letting go.

Everything is illusion and you hold on to it because you think you need it to survive.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Mind fields

Every day you navigate through the mine field of your mind.  You fight with reality because you want it your way.  If you could accept what shows up there would be no problem.  The mind resists everything.

We are taught the more we use our minds the smarter we are.  So we use our minds to get what we want.  We never get what we want.  You have to let go of everything.  The universe won't be manipulated.  Things change, but you are not the one who changes them.

There is only energy, that's all there is.  Everything else is a story.  When your mind is in charge you will listen to those stories.  The mind creates illusion, that's all its capable off.  You can stop the dream any time you want to.
In the new energy nothing shows up before its needed.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Self inflicted pain - The editor

Two more weeks and I am out of here, destination still unknown.  My only requirement is to stay in the present moment.  The universe makes all the arrangements.

The pain we cause ourselves by not allowing us to even notice how we edit everything the universe has for us.  By the time the mind is done fucking with it it doesn't even resemble anything worth wanting.  In the present there is only pleasure.

Friday, May 13, 2011


This was a very long and painful stage

I am about to come out of this stage

Almost there

Looking forward to my new life

My daughter stopped by on her way to a concert.  She is a student at the University in Georgia.  I got to spend the day with her.  She is in her body and flows easily with life.  We had so much fun.  She just left and now I get to sit in the wake of her energy and let it massage me until the last ripples have dissipated.  What an experience to be in the presence of someone who is not in their head, its a full body massage.  My body opened up, I came out of hiding.  I get to love myself more.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Infinite Posssibilities

In the new energy things work differently, we are becoming flexible.  Things get decided at the moment and not the moment before.  The biggest mistake is assuming things.  In each moment the universe renews itself zillions of times and we put our lives together as close as possible to the moment before.

We have infinite possibilities available and we reduce them by setting up routines so that we have the illusion of control in our lives.   We limit our possibilities by blaming the government, lack of money, circumstances, people.   You are the ones limiting your possibilities, it's never them.

What possibilities are available to me today that I don't see because my patterns have me reaching for the same things, because I don't wait for what shows up naturally.  As long as you belief that your possibilities can be limited you are tied into the system of illusion.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The new body language

Shut up

The mind is addicted to meddling.  It can't leave the moment alone, it can't accept things the way they are, pure, effortless energy.

You have already planned what you are going to do today, tomorrow, next week, and when it doesn't go as planned you have a story about it.   You are always making up stories about your life so that you don't notice that you have no control over anything. 

Relax your body and breathe.  Let the body decide whats next.  Never let the mind tell the body what to do.  Decisions are made somewhere else and our bodies execute them.  Our minds don't have any input, they just think they do.  Breathe into each moment.  You will end up doing less and accomplish more.  The body knows where to go and what to do.  Listening to the body is scary if you are not used to it.

Your life takes painstaking effort.  The simplest decisions keep you stuck in your head and you beat yourself up over them:  'I should have done that differently.   I should have bought something else.  I should have done something else.  I should have been better prepared.'  Regrets keep you missing everything.  Life happens at lightning speed when left alone by the mind.  Your body will reach for things without you having to think about it.  Your body will take you places without you making arrangements.  Breathe into each moment and see what shows up.   What you can't let go off will trip you up.  

Control is an illusion.  Once you realize you have no control over anything life becomes easy.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Reading our bodies

Body painting

The body can be anywhere, but you are not in it, you are nowhere to be found, you are going through your patterned motions.  Your body is in one place and your mind is somewhere else.  You are hiding.

To come out of hiding you have to feel safe.  Wake up where you are. When people don't wake up boredom sets in, so they change the location, move somewhere else, go on vacation.

To be where your body is you have to increase your sample rate, you need to go deeper into your nervous system.  

You learn to ride a bike when you are not riding it after you have been exposed to it, your nervous system adjusts to the motions when there is no chance of falling.

Right now my nervous system is adjusting massively.  I am being exposed to new territory and than I go back to my familiar place to incorporate it.  In other words I am getting bigger, my sample rate is increasing.  

If the sample rate is too big you get overwhelmed, if its too small you get bored.   Recently I have been overwhelmed often.  I suspect this is to get me ready for my next place so that I won't check out when I get there.  The reason why I don't know whats next is because it will blow my gaskets in my present state.  Every day my nervous system is being prepared a lot more, many emotions are coming up.

We are descending into our bodies.  We are becoming aware of everything that is going on with us.   Our bodies hold the answers and we are learning to read our bodies.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The interpreter

My mind looks at my life and interprets it according to what it knows.  Right now my mind is saying: "This doesn't look good."

I have to be out of here by the end of the month and I still don't know where I am going.  Terror is the response to that.

By not knowing where I am going everything that has been stored in my cells is being released, all the insanity, all the illusions, all the fear-based patriarchal programming has to surface so that it can be transmuted.   6,000 years worth of stuff is showing up.

I don't know where I am going but my body knows.  My mind keeps telling me that I am not ready.  What does my mind know.  It has a preconceived idea of what my life is supposed to look like.  It can't possibly figure out what's next.  The body knows everything.  I am trusting my body over listening to my mind.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Energy thieves

Anything I am not neutral about, anything I have an opinion about, will rob me of energy, has power over me.  Opinions are another form of holding on. 

I don't understand anything.  The intellect can't follow where I am going.  My life is more real than anything I have ever done.  I find solace in the present moment.  If I leave the present moment I will be a fugitive.  When I am detached I am one with all things.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Want what you have

I often wondered why I had to come back here, why I had to move into my ex's apartment.    He is a hoarder; stuff everywhere, barely room to walk.  If I don't want people to see me in this mess, if I prefer another place over this one because I am ashamed of it than I am hiding.  Preferences keep me stuck.  My surroundings don't define who I am.

You can't move on until you want what you have, want it so badly that you burst, you ache for what you have.  That's why I had to come back here.  I had to come full circle.   All I see is beauty.   This is the most incredible place on the planet.  I love it here.  I don't want to be anywhere else.

My passion is this moment.  Fully occupying the space I am in.  Don't fragment yourself by wishing things away or wishing things were different.
We get to balance out whatever is wrong with this planet by giving it love.