Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Power of You

The World of Illusion

Not knowing where I am going, to my mind this seems like a bad joke.  But the mind operates on illusion only.  The universe does not support illusion and dysfunction.  Living outside this moment in a projected future or remembered past is dysfunctional.

I am this moment.  I cannot stand up and sit down at the same time.  I cannot be here and there at the same time.  I fully inhabit this moment.  If I know where I am going then I dilute this moment, then I dilute my own power.

I am here, nothing else exists.

My purpose is to be this moment and bring spaciousness into all my actions, to live by the 99.99/0.01 ratio - 99.99% space and 0.01% matter.  That's the atomic life.  That ratio is the right fuel to keep everything at the level of energy rather than matter, because everything is energy.

To leave illusion causes major disturbances.  It sends shock waves through the cosmos.  And don't think the world will support you in leaving illusion.  They will consider you mad.

The mind rejects reality and keeps me from feeling the aliveness in everything.  Reality doesn't make sense to the mind, so the mind constructs its own distorted and dysfunctional perceptions.  The mind is the insane asylum inside you.

It can never not be now.  In this moment I am not ready for 2 moments down the road.  I am only ready for Now.

I am the Now.  I am this moment.  I AM.

I want to puke.  I don't think I have the nerve for this kind of life.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Lost in Transition

I am still going through the transition and I feel horrible.  I want to feel better but I can’t.  My path ends here.   There is no path.  I stand on an empty plain.  I don’t know what I am doing and where I am going.  The familiarity stops here.  I am plunging into the abyss of not knowing.  There is no resurrection for me.

Faith is an illusion.  Hope is an illusion.  I am formless consciousness and now I get to live as such, where each moment stands alone, unique, never repeated.  I live in total discomfort.  I can’t even imagine what’s next.  I only know that I have outgrown my life.  There is nothing I can do to feel better.  I want to puke. 

Everything has to be let go of before the new can show up.  I should be glad that I have been brought to this place.

Many years ago I went through a similar transition.  My old life had come to an end and my new life was in the making.  I was hurting for 6 months straight.  Back then I didn’t know that transition is marked with uncertainty, discomfort, insanity, death, tears, pain and so much more.

Right now I just want to die.  Maybe that’s what I am asked to do, something is still hanging on, not wanting to let go.  I am not going to try to figure this out.  The bottom line is I am hurting horribly and there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

Friday, May 25, 2012

Our programmed condition

I have been through this so many times where the next place didn't show up until my foot was out the door of the previous place.  And actually that's the way it's supposed to be.  If I knew where I am going I would toss the universe aside and prepare for it my way, instead, I do nothing.

Preparing is an illusion.

The world of illusion seems so sane and responsible while reality seems insane and irresponsible.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The language of Light

When you perceive the energy in everything, the vibrational makeup, then you can decipher the language of light and you will live accordingly.  

You will never listen to your mind again. The mind is like the court jester, here for entertainment only and not to be taken seriously, certainly not to seek advice from.

Everything bends to you.  Places and time adjust to fit you.  I don't know how the next place is going to fit me, how it's going to be different from what has been and how it's going to show up.

When you live in the present moment you are the portal.  You are the doorway to all worlds.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Total Transformation

Transformation by Victor Bregada
The flowers are really butterflies

I don’t recognize myself at all.  I have been going through a tremendous transformation, the metamorphosis of the butterfly.   I am hurting terribly.

The life between the caterpillar and the butterfly are drastically different.  The caterpillar moves slowly upon the earth, is fat and heavy.  The butterfly is light, flying with a body that has little resemblance to the caterpillar. The DNA of the caterpillar and the butterfly are totally different. The agony of that transformation alone and to survive it without knowing where it’s going, where nothing of you is left, but a brand-new creature emerges, physically, emotionally, on every level possible.  You die and you come back as something else. 

Had I become the butterfly sooner I would have left this environment a long time ago.  My new life will be drastically different, unrecognizable from what it is now.   
Every day is filled with preparation so that I can step out of this place into my new world.  I still don't know where I am going.

My home as I know it is crumbling away from under my feet.  The present moment is becoming my home.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Endings run deep - Part II

I am either a fool or quite advanced because both look the same.   Am I taking this too far by waiting for what shows up naturally? 

My mind cannot comprehend this at all.  This is not how people are supposed to behave.  You are supposed to be responsible. 

When under fire do you listen to the universe or do you listen to your mind to bail you out?

In the world of illusion that which appears sane is insane and that which appears insane is sane.

My mind is retrieving everything it knows about having to leave without a place to go to, and it's all horrible. My mind is taking me places I don't want to go.  Horrible places.  As the day progresses it keeps getting worse.  I want this to stop.  My mind is painting a horrible picture.  I am being taken deeper and deeper into the hell of what is to become of me.  It's a cruel journey.  Eckhart Tolle never writes about that. 

I can't do this.  I have gone through this so many times but this time I can't handle the fear of not knowing where I am going.

And than suddenly after working through these fears stillness returns and I am at peace.  The present moment became my home again where I am safe and taken care of.

Then my daughter arrives and it is as being plugged into a high voltage tower.  This was the best visit ever.  We talked about things that arose out of stillness.  It was invigorating.

People have headaches because their minds carry everything.  They are always trying to figure out what to do and how to organize it all.

If people could just leave children alone children would develop to exist.  Almost everyone is a product of a system that makes you disappear.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Endings run deep

My son found a house and is moving out at the end of the month.  I on the other hand don't know where I am going.  My mind is plummeting down into its pit of the patriarchal cellular memories and is coming up with all kinds of horror stories, i.e. I will end up at a shelter. 

My place hasn't shown up yet so that I can release everything that is blocking me from moving forward.  I am releasing the old so that the new can show up.  To the mind there is only one solution, when you don't have any money you are out on the street.

I have to stay in the present moment and attend to whatever shows up at that moment.  I can't reach into the future and prepare for something that is coming from the mind.   This is very hard because I am a breath away from being out on the street, but right now I am here having a roof over my head.

Nothing ever shows up until the last moment because until then you are still dealing with all the energies of release.  The new cannot show up until the old is released. 

I am hurting horribly.  There are times I can't stop weeping.  There is so much coming up. 

The most wonderful thing is that the universe is supporting me.  My daughter is coming to visit tomorrow for a few days.  When I need my children most they are here for me. 

My son is ready to live on his own and I am very happy about that.  My kids get to witness how I am dealing with life outside the patriarchy.  To them it will seem nuts to not prepare by running around feverishly getting things done. 

The mind projects things into the future looking at the situation at hand: I have to move out by the end of the month and there is no place to go.  The mind reacts to this with panic, upset, worries, fear, horrible outcomes. 

If I worry about the future I will miss the wonderful time I am going to have being with both my children.  And that's what I am looking forward to.  Who cares what happens at the end of the month.  When the time comes this too shall be taken care of.  Only this moment exists and I have to be fully in it.

I have no car, I live in the country, no phone, no money.  All of these are handicaps to the dysfunctional patriarchal mind.   But the universe birthes each moment out of nothing, out of stillness.  We'll see what the universe is going to birth for me.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

I am stillness

Butterflies mean change, the dance of joy
Messages from Nature: 

I saw 2 butterflies sitting on the ground.  What a massive amount of transition this tiny creature undergoes.  Consider for a moment the kind of energy this expends.  If a human were to go through this kind of change we’d freak out!   Imagine the whole of your life changing to such an extreme you are unrecognizable at the end of the transformation.

My long, hellish down spiral has been rewarded with the deep inner knowing that I am stillness.  So much more space is available to me that I experience bliss and aliveness.  At the same time things are speeding up at such rate it takes my breath away.

I had the realization that I have to climb out of the life my personality wants.

For the past 5 months we had 4 people living with us.  They were here so that my mind could create new pathways as I observed their behaviors.  My buttons were pushed over the limit and the result was rage and fury, which I didn't act on, only observed it.  My patterns were dismantled like dynamite.  I am glad I am not the person I was 5 months ago.

Yesterday the last one moved out and my body processed the wake these people left behind.  I never let them pull me into their world of illusion but always did exactly what my gut told me to do.  I gave them nothing. 

One of them had a dog.  We bought dog food and still he wouldn't take care of his dog, he didn't feed him nor give him water.  Asking him to feed his dog didn't change his behavior.  One of the other guys got on his case, still, he neglected the dog.  Words don't change anything.   Its the invisible energetic exchanges between people that are the driving force in relationships.  The neighbor and I took care of the dog.

The present moment holds life itself.   People who evade the present moment will always have problems because Armageddon resides outside the present moment. Illusion, death and destruction, aging, disease, all of these live outside the present moment.  The universe will not support us in our illusions, you are on your own. 

Sunday, May 6, 2012

The tremendous power of space

My personality went through another death experience and I was shown in an instant that this is necessary, that the domesticated personality is not who I am and in order to have a life my personality, the illusionary idea of myself, has got to go.

So I went down to the pit of death again.  I am ok with it.  I have no choice.  No illusion will ever run my life again. 

When I came out of it I noticed that I had more space available and that there was tremendous power in that space.  I experienced the power of stillness, there is nothing stronger than that.  Everything is born out of stillness, out of nothingness.

If you are looking for a solution than you perceive that there is a problem.  Discussing problems strengthens them.   Create the space where problems can't exist.  Space has the highest vibration.

There is a reason an atom is 99.99% space and only .01% matter.  Were it the other way around we would be right no target.  We would accomplish everything by doing more.

Do nothing and accomplish everything.

When you exist in this space you never create any problems.  It is the space of bliss.

Everything that keeps me from living in that space is being brought up to be transmuted.  My buttons are being pushed over the limit so that my system can be reorganized at a higher level.  I am beyond rage and fury at times.  But this is what it takes to bring up everything that isn't me and let it go.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


My personality went through another death experience.

People resuscitate their personalities on a daily basis when they are supposed to be left for dead.   Their personalities are always on life support of mental chatter and activities that keep them busy so that they don't notice anything about themselves, so that they can keep pointing the finger, so that they can keep solving problems that exist in their minds only, so that they won't notice the pain that lives within them, so that they can have a shallow existence. 

You can't outrun it.   It's there every moment.   The next moment won't start until you have died.   You don't get to take anything with you.   The grim reaper is always waiting.  You won't have a life until you die. 

People who haven't experienced death often are full of themselves.  They are blinded by their egos to help humanity, make a difference.  People hide behind charities and good deeds.   Cut that crap.   You aren't helping by helping. Your involvement only keeps the problem alive.

I can't live a lie.  I can't participate in niceties anymore.  It's robbing me of my energy.