Always perceive you have a choice

I spent 3 wonderful days with my daughter.

You can’t step into the same river twice.  I knew when I returned home I would not go back to the way things were.  The moment I got out of the car my neighbor approached me saying that I am driving too fast and he wants me to slow down.  He is the one who ran over his dog, not me.  Just because he is a lousy driver doesn't make me one.  My body drives the car and I don’t let my mind interfere with it.  If birds had minds they would fly into trees second guessing themselves.  They fly at enormous speed through the woods without crashing into something.  Only the human mind is so stupid wanting to be at the helm of life.  The mind interferes with the speed of life.  We are extremely fast creatures, and that man wants me to slow down?  Not on my watch.

People want me to agree with their fears, opinions and beliefs, to be just like them, slow and dead.  I have given too much blood to the universe to still be part of illusion.  As long as I participate I keep getting the same experiences.

I am cycling through a lot of feelings and my mind is beating me up that I was too harsh with that man in front of his wife and son.  Reality is:  I did what I did because I was supposed to do that. The mind is second guessing.  It doesn't matter what my mind is telling me, the important part is what I am feeling, all the feelings have to come up so that they can be released.  There is a lot to feel and my mind is coming up with the worst, that he may call the police or talk to my landlord. 

Staying here has become unbearable.  I am being squeezed from all sides. Always perceive you have a choice and never take it, that’s the present.  I would like to move in with my daughter. I can't bear the thought of sticking it out here.  My mind needs a place to go to.  My body doesn't.  If I run from it the same situation will be waiting at the new destination. 

When time changes.

Weird and strange is an understatement.  I don't know if anyone else is feeling this.

There is only Now.  Before I was able to live in the Now I knew where I stood. Nothing much changed because my mind was filled with the same old, same old; my patterns were the filter for me to see only certain things.

Many of the filters have been removed and I see things I have never seen before.  That's what makes it so strange.  I am in the same location, doing the same things, yet feeling like an alien.  I used to look to the outer world for validation but now the inner world has taken over and I feel new things.

Quantum physics states that everything is energy, in a vibrational state until observed.  I am vibrating all fucking day long.  I can really feel that everything is energy and everything is happening at the same time, blinking in and out, which gives it the illusion that things are moving, but they aren't.  

I see people living in houses and I see them gone.  I see the tree and I see it gone.  All the stages of a tree's life are happening at the same time.  Time is an illusion so that we see the events spread out and not happening all at once. Time is changing and that's why I am seeing this.  It's really freaky when something is there and its not there at the same time.

The landlord came by and I kept staring at him.  He looked 20 years younger. He is young and old at the same time and I got to see what he looked like when he was younger.

Trust the inner world.

I fell apart, died metaphorically, and came back resurrected (till the next time).  It went deep and quick.  

The universe wants me to be free and to have it all, but there are fears and unworthiness which block such freedom and its sabotaging me.  'You mean, I don't have to work for any of this?'   Conceptually I know this, but when it comes to living it, that's another domain.  I don't get to decide where my sustenance comes from.

All this time I thought the universe was out to get me, withholding money, barely scraping by, nothing working out, when in fact it is here to set me free from these illusions.  Now I am grateful and a bit shaken, proving this theory on a bigger scale.

The ego doesn't want to die.  Every time the ego has to retreat, it comes up with horror stories, like when I was told to let go of the kids.  It doesn't mean to let go of them physically as I erroneously thought, but to let go of them emotionally.  Emotions have been programmed into us by a needy society.

I am visiting my daughter this weekend and we both are looking forward to it. Neither one of us is forced into a role anymore.  There is no obligation, no advice to give her, just enjoying each others company, neither one of us wanting something from the other. Now we get to have each other without the baggage.

Micromanagement is out.  Discussing who takes out the garbage and who does what chores, that's not even a conversation.  When I ask people for help I get their resistance.   Things get done effortlessly without me asking.  We were conditioned that without thinking about it nothing will get done.  But it does.

My body knows what needs to get done before I become aware of it.  All I have to do is observe my body.  I sit relaxed on the couch until my body gets me up.  My mind would have me run around in a frightened frenzy, trying to please society, the cruel taskmaster, which operates on guilt, shame, lack.   

I used to interrupt the natural flow of things and ended up exhausted trying to get things done my way, in my time.   The universe works like a fine tuned machine where everything is taken care off.  Trust your inner world, it's more real than the outer world. There is no out there out there.

I go back to the stillness, nothingness, emptiness, so that I align myself with what is.  I get what I don't want.  Because what I don't want, that's where I am stuck.

Annihilation - The Cardinal Grand Cross

A very subtle energy is weaving its way into my subconscious.  My mind / ego isn't going to survive this. Death is everywhere, not as violent as in times past, its more a whisper.  I am a cardinal sign, Capricorn, and I am feeling it.

No physical symptoms only mental as if someone is messing with my mind. As if I am in an insane asylum, everyone around me is normal except me and I hope they don't find out.

On April 23 is the Cardinal Grand Cross.  4 planets line up at 13 degrees.  13 is the death card, the card of destruction. The old has to die.

Pluto is in Capricorn.  It forces people to change whether they like it or not.  Pluto rules the underworld.  It means power and intensity.  People power is rising up against the government.

Uranus is in Aries.  Uranus is the planet of change.  Breakthroughs in medicine.

Mars is in Libra.  Mars is the planet of war. It means action.  Mars is in retrograde right now. 

Jupiter is in Cancer.  Jupiter is the great abundance giver.  Jupiter has the power to turn things around.   Jupiter enlarges whatever it touches, whether it’s positive or negative.

The 4 planets make a square.  A square is a challenging aspect.  The 4 planets also oppose each other.  Lots of push and pull.  

Being stripped bare, the new is peaking through.

My mind wants to play it safe. That ship has sailed.

Physically nothing has changed, if anything, things have gotten tighter.  I deal with old things in a new way.  I don't have the energy to keep up with the old ways.  That's why lots of things were dropped.  I didn't drop them, they dropped me and now I can't pick them back up again, they are gone forever.  I have the feeling lots more has to go, being stripped bare so that I can function in a new way.

There is no getting out of it, staying in step with ‘what is,’ no matter how maddening; it’s a slow, senseless and intense process and I have to follow it.  This is my path.

Once the safety net has been built through years and years of hellish experiences, letting go becomes a quicker process, big chunks of the old can be released at once.  I am being freed of so much, and I have no choice in this, I have to let go of everything, and I mean everything, including people.  I am not here to carry them.  I am not here to carry anything.

I feel freedom, but it comes with a price.  I didn't expect having to let go of people.  But that's how society is set up, that you need others.  Only they can set themselves free. The moment they are ready to drop their stories the universe will rearrange itself.  Awareness fixes everything.

Don't leave yourself

I went to the post office, got there too early and had to wait for them to open.  A postal employee was also waiting outside.  I talked to her and it was awkward because I have never left my mind out of a conversation.  I was all in my body.  I came from a vulnerable place.  I looked at her and really saw her.   It was a full body experience.  What if everything could massage you?  Feelings enliven us. (Feelings aren't emotions).

A baby isn't born until the belly of the mother softens.  I am living with a soft belly, relaxing into my body.  Any tension is an indication that I am not trusting.  The mind wants to be in control.  Breathing gets me out of my mind.

  

Going down again

After feeling really good for almost 2 weeks I am going down again. I am not fighting it.  I let my body carry what my mind can't by feeling everything instead of trying to make sense of it or trying to talk myself out of feeling what I am feeling.

No one knows what's going on and whoever says they do, I am not going to take their word for it.  This is a very personal experience and journey.  I am feeling emptiness, death, destruction, nothingness. I don't even have words for it.  In other words, I feel like shit.

I don't have to do anything to get me out of it, only wait for it to turn on its own.  You can only go as high as you can go low.  I take in lower vibrations and convert them into higher vibrations.

Plants are alchemists. 

The following is taken from Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey – hiding in the light, Episode 5 (@ 32:00).

How do the astonishing colors of nature happen?  How do the red’s and the blue’s happen?  Light waves of different lengths from the sun strike the earth.  The pedals of blue flowers absorb all the low-energy, long, red wave lengths of light; but they reflect the shorter, high-energy blue wave lengths.  That interaction between star light and pedal is what makes blue.  The longest waves, the ones we see as red, have the lowest energy.

Only do what brings you joy

Obamacare.  It's mamdatory.  I didn't know it until this morning.  I don't have a penny to go on any health-care plan.  Money comes in to support my sane lifestyle and not fund my fears.

I am not saying people shouldn't have health insurance.  My son's accident cost almost half a million and it was paid for by 2 insurances.  In my case, I am not supposed to have health insurance at this time, which means I have to let go of the fears surrounding not having insurance.  My experiences are here to help me let go of my fears.

The contrast of the outer world is staring me in the face every day to let me see what I have given power to so that I will no longer participate in it.  Than the world becomes a playground rather than a mine field.  

Society condemns self-love. We learned that we aren't good enough.  You have to be gentle with yourself.  No one will do it for you.  

My freedom came through submission.  You can only be as independent as you are dependent.  I had to submit even to my kids, my crazy neighbors, my ex. It made me furious.  Those were the first steps to release my patterns and my ego.  Now I only do what brings me joy.

All cords will be cut.  Letting go of emotional attachments to people, places and things is a bittersweet pill. I said good-buy to a very dear friend.  When something is finished you move on.  You don't get to stick around. 

The old model is based on obligation, neediness, co-dependence, all disguised as love.  The new model seems cold, detached and selfish, but it isn't.

Now the question is, what brings me joy?  That's a new can of worms that's been opened.  My first thought was going on a vacation, flying somewhere. How can I have joy without money.  I want to buy things and that costs money.  THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH MONEY (that's my mind).  Obviously that's not what joy is.

I would like to go ahead, but it would be a patterned go-ahead.  So I wait for what shows up naturally. I landed in a new space which requires a new approach.

Me first

I only get to do what brings me joy.  My body will get sick if I don’t.  Me first.  That's such a new idea.  Things get done.  The universe rearranges itself to accommodate my lighter life.

I was shown that I have to let go of the kids, it felt like the end of the world until I got it.  Letting go of the kids doesn’t mean they disappear from my life.  It means that the relationship has changed.  Society encourages needy relationships, mistaking neediness for love, it’s all drama.  I am getting a glimpse of wholeness.  Coming back to myself takes great courage.

 

All effort is ignorance.

Vortex

Nothing is getting done and things are slipping away.  And that's the way its supposed to be.

I am trying to focus, but I can't.  Nothing sticks.  I can't hold on to who I think I am, the energy is moving so fast spinning my patterns out of me.

I am in the falling away stage, the false is being removed.  When I come out of it I will be lighter.  Right now its exhausting going through that vortex.

Only the false can fall away.  In the past I was afraid to fall apart because to the mind it looks like I wouldn't be able to function in the world anymore.  Now I welcome it because whatever isn't me is being removed.  My shadow is disappearing.  Existence takes care of me.

Anything false needs continuous holding together and it doesn't support me, I have to support it.  Presence does not exert energy.  Nothing in my life should use up my energy.  Anything that needs my energy is not who I am.  That's where I have given power away.

In the beginning of the journey the shadows were terrifying, eventually they became smaller until I realized they aren't real.

It takes too much effort maintaining the person I am not.

The dreamer coming out of hiding

It seems the light is here to stay.  The light has always been here, but instead of light being reflected back to me, there was only darkness, insanity, hatred, terror, death and destruction staring into my face, scary shadows that weren't real.

I am still descending, but there are no monsters. Now its mainly about letting go of my patterns so that my responses can come from emptiness rather than conditioning.  The body is extremely efficient when the mind isn't interfering.  The abyss is gone, it was never there to begin with.  The cliffs have vanished.

Life has turned around.  I feel more, deeper, wider, louder, expanding, amplified.  The tiniest things transform me.  I heard a bird sing and my body almost burst.  I am filled up, overflowing.

The outer world isn't real, my inner world is real.  The outer world hasn't changed, but now I have a different response to it.  Illusion requires maintenance.  There is nothing I have to maintain.

Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move. ~Rumi

Coming out of the darkness

This is the third day of me feeling really good.  In recent weeks I felt great for only a moment and than went back into the never-ending darkness.  Maybe I am done transmuting old energies.  There has to be an end to this.

This morning I woke up being told:  Only do what you really enjoy.

My body will react immediately with pain when I try to do something I should not be doing because my patterns want to override my body's wisdom.

I was thinking of picking up the trash that's been blown around the yard.  The very moment I had that thought I felt a sharp pain in my right foot and had to wait for it to stop.

That trash is none of my business, but my patterned mind will make everything my business.  Whatever I look at, my mind will make up a story and go off spinning out illusion at mammoth proportion.

I may still pick up some trash, but it won't be pre-meditated.  I will just observe my body picking something up.

I have to let the world turn without my help.

According to quantum physics, everything is a wave until observed.  Nothing exists until I look at it.  I was looking at the daffodils in the snow from my upstairs apartment, but I couldn't fully enjoy them because I remembered the trash in the yard, even so I didn't see it.

This looks like a trivial thing, but it isn't.  Carrying all these things in the mind is baggage.  People respond to the reality they hold in their heads, not what's really going on.  There is no out there out there.  Light doesn't even carry a speck of dust.  Yet humans carry everything, shopping lists, to do lists, what they want to do next, what they have done years ago, it's a huge, huge list of the mind being filled with things that exist in the mind only.  My body will take me to wherever I need to go to get whatever I need to get.  It has never failed me.  That's why I can always be at rest.

I can only do what I do, anything else is a figment of the mind.  I was looking at an almost empty bottle of water and thought that I need to buy some more.  Already my patterned mind had an agenda.  I couldn't just look at that bottle, my mind had to make up a story.  I will either buy more water or I won't.

Stimulus is everywhere, its a hook for the mind.

I have conquered the big things, like survival fear.  Now I am becoming aware of the little things that fill my mind unnecessarily.

The cliffs and more emptiness

Today is the equinox and I feel deader and emptier than ever.

The last few month, everything has ended.  We are done with it. 

Today feels new.  I have no idea whats going to happen.  The mind wants to fill in the blanks, but none of what my mind comes up with will happen.

I feel empty.  There is nothing in front of me.  I am lost.  All the things we've gone through have ended.  I saw my reflection in a window today and I looked like a ghost.  I don't know where I belong nor what this is all about.  We went through so much and nothing materialized.

Quantum physics is helping me make sense of this process. Most people see the universe as solid, unaware that everything is a wave until observed.  The reason why I feel so empty and walking on a cliff all the time is because 99.99% is empty space and I am becoming aware of this.  My life is starting to mimic the universe.  There is nothing except this moment and I don't have to carry the next moment, trying to figure it out and plan it.

Chop wood, carry water. To be here in this present moment is scary because it is so empty.  The mind wants action and excitement and for things to happen.  But there is nothing happening.  At the smallest particle even a bill is made up of atoms and the mind has a story about those black squiggles on a piece of paper.  Its that interpretation that makes people unhappy.  You have to become smaller and see life at the level of atoms otherwise its too big to handle and you'll get lost in the story.  Its all made up.

The universe isn't letting me get away with insanity by making up more illusion.  To the world I look insane because I have literally nothing except this moment.

This morning I had the idea that I should start packing.  I bent over to pick something up and my back gave out.  The pain was my body's response to stop me.  Just because I don't fit here anymore doesn't mean that I am going to move.  But my mind had to fill in the blanks and came up with that solution.  I just can't see myself dying here any longer.  My mind wanted to override my body's wisdom by getting ready to pack, so my body stepped in and responded with pain.  Now I can't do a thing except wait.

No safety gear

The brain knows 6 seconds before I know what I am going to do because everything gets downloaded to the brain first from The Field and than is projected out there for me to interact with.

I as a conscious witness of my inner life am not making decisions.  I can only witness these decisions.  Something else is running my life and I have suspected that for a very long time.

What I want to do throughout the day is based on my patterns.  I am a creature of habit and these patterns are being interrupted more so every day.  I don't get to do what I want.   'Want' is based on conditioning.

 

Its a daily chiseling away of programming.  Whatever needs to get done will get done without any effort on my part.  People have opinions and no one I personally know is agreeing with my approach of doing nothing, which results in the friction I need to continue with my explorations.  I am always questioning everything.  Am I listening to them or am I following my gut, the unknown?

When you meet the Buddha, or whatever Guru, kill him and go further.  This is a journey where no one can help me.  I have dropped enough baggage and this process isn't scaring me nearly as much.  I feel lighter.

My son has been going through orientation with a trucking company for the past 3 weeks and will be gone probably for another week.  He has his own illusions.  People always want to solve problems that aren't there.  Instead of waiting for what shows up naturally he's already ahead of the game making plans.  He wants us to move to the cabin.  There is no running water nor electricity.  It would be living off-grid.

If I would act on people's illusions I would go crazy.  The body can't stand up and sit down at the same time, yet people are trying to do this all the time.  They are living their lives in their heads, which is totally incongruent.  The actions of the mind are based on what it knows and the actions of the body are based on what is needed.

My body is not preparing to move out to the cabin and I am not using my mind to force my body to pack up.  I listen to the wisdom of my body and neither my son, nor my mind, nor anyone else is going to override this.  I am relaxed in my body.

I trust my body and my body is always saying:  Do less.

People have stories about why they do what they do and these stories are totally unrelated.  Its all made up, yet they never notice.

My journey is a journey to sanity where the mind will never again rule.  Its a treacherous path and society has a required safety gear in the form of a big bank account, insurance, protection of all sorts.  I have none of that.  I am empty handed and I am facing all my fears.

The illusion of Money

Just yesterday I needed massive rest, and this morning it flipped.  My new life walked in, and its over my head.  How the fuck am I supposed to live it without the finances.  I don't even have enough to walk out the front door.

This is a hologram, and nothing is real.  The money is provided for every experience I am having. So, whatever awaits on the horizon will also bring in the money for it.

The opposite of everything is true.  There is no objective, independent reality "out there" and the experience I am processing isn't real.  Letting go of judgments, beliefs, opinions and fears; withdrawing, disconnecting, or switching off any power assigned to a person, place or thing within the hologram; that is my process.  That's why I have to leave my comfort zone to bust all these illusions.  That I need to earn money is the biggest illusion.

That's enough to pee in your pants.  I am going out into the world empty handed.  When you are ready things start moving very quickly.

The hardest part is to leave my kids.  They are 21 and 23, and they take care of themselves.  Still, its a lot to ask.  I have to do a bunch of releasing on that one.  That's the part I am not ready for.  And this too isn't real, but I give it so much power. 

All the things people are attached to, their photo albums, their memories, their friends, places, jobs, identities, things.  All of these are illusions.  We are inside a hologram.  Nothing is real.  It's just a wave until observed and than it turns into a particle.  Behind me nothing exists.  To my right nothing exists.  To my left nothing exists until I look at it.

There is a chapter on money in Butterflies are free to fly - Money.

A new stage of metamorphosis

I fell

I have been sick since Sunday, unable to sleep and eat, shivering.  This one is a doozie.  There isn't an ounce of energy left in me.

  

This is not an intellectual journey

We cling to our believes to give us the false sense of control and those believes keep us from living an expanded life.  We are capable of only repeating the same old, same old with nothing new coming in.

Take a fundamental Christian for instance.  Their believes keep them pinned in the corner while judging the rest of the world as evil.  Believes, judgments and opinions keep me stuck in illusion.

A year ago I was told to go into the unknown empty handed.  We moved to Lenoir while my son was recovering from his accident.  I thought that was it.  But now I find out that I haven't even scratched the surface of empty-handed.   The abyss that isn't there is getting scarier.  Why does illusion have such a grip?

The mind cannot understand this journey.  This is a journey of losing the mind.  The destruction of everything I have known.

I walked away

I walked away from a friendship.  If someone wants to constantly change me and see something wrong with what I do with my life than that's abuse.  I have no room for that.  Not accepting me and trying to push me along to fit into their illusion isn't working.  Life is an intricate paradox.  You can't tell someone how to live their life.

People see me as they are not as I am.  This was a parent-child relationship where she couldn't wait to fix me. There was always an undertone of 'I know better than you and I am here to teach you.' I am not allowed to feel what I feel.  I don't even treat my kids that way.  I have a relationship of equality with them.

Lots of changes are happening, mainly because I am dropping my patterns.  You can't be afraid to be alone, you can't be afraid of death and you can't have survival fears.  Than you can truly be a free expression of who you really are.

Disclaimer: This is just an opinion.  Tomorrow will be different.

There is nothing concrete, everything is always changing.  I really don't know anything except feel like shit.  If this journey could be figured out we would have done that a long time ago.  I feel a void and emptiness around everything.  It feels like I am falling off a cliff.