I fell apart, died metaphorically, and came back resurrected (till the next time). It went deep and quick.
The universe wants me to be free and to have it all, but there are fears and unworthiness which block such freedom and its sabotaging me. 'You mean, I don't have to work for any of this?' Conceptually I know this, but when it comes to living it, that's another domain. I don't get to decide where my sustenance comes from.
All this time I thought the universe was out to get me, withholding money, barely scraping by, nothing working out, when in fact it is here to set me free from these illusions. Now I am grateful and a bit shaken, proving this theory on a bigger scale.
The ego doesn't want to die. Every time the ego has to retreat, it comes up with horror stories, like when I was told to let go of the kids. It doesn't mean to let go of them physically as I erroneously thought, but to let go of them emotionally. Emotions have been programmed into us by a needy society.
I am visiting my daughter this weekend and we both are looking forward to it. Neither one of us is forced into a role anymore. There is no obligation, no advice to give her, just enjoying each others company, neither one of us wanting something from the other. Now we get to have each other without the baggage.
Micromanagement is out. Discussing who takes out the garbage and who does what chores, that's not even a conversation. When I ask people for help I get their resistance. Things get done effortlessly without me asking. We were conditioned that without thinking about it nothing will get done. But it does.
My body knows what needs to get done before I become aware of it. All I have to do is observe my body. I sit relaxed on the couch until my body gets me up. My mind would have me run around in a frightened frenzy, trying to please society, the cruel taskmaster, which operates on guilt, shame, lack.
I used to interrupt the natural flow of things and ended up exhausted trying to get things done my way, in my time. The universe works like a fine tuned machine where everything is taken care off. Trust your inner world, it's more real than the outer world. There is no out there out there.
I go back to the stillness, nothingness, emptiness, so that I align myself with what is. I get what I don't want. Because what I don't want, that's where I am stuck.