Today is the equinox and I feel deader and emptier than ever.
The last few month, everything has ended. We are done with it.
Today feels new. I have no idea whats going to happen. The mind wants to fill in the blanks, but none of what my mind comes up with will happen.
I feel empty. There is nothing in front of me. I am lost. All the things we've gone through have ended. I saw my reflection in a window today and I looked like a ghost. I don't know where I belong nor what this is all about. We went through so much and nothing materialized.
Quantum physics is helping me make sense of this process. Most people see the universe as solid, unaware that everything is a wave until observed. The reason why I feel so empty and walking on a cliff all the time is because 99.99% is empty space and I am becoming aware of this. My life is starting to mimic the universe. There is nothing except this moment and I don't have to carry the next moment, trying to figure it out and plan it.
Chop wood, carry water. To be here in this present moment is scary because it is so empty. The mind wants action and excitement and for things to happen. But there is nothing happening. At the smallest particle even a bill is made up of atoms and the mind has a story about those black squiggles on a piece of paper. Its that interpretation that makes people unhappy. You have to become smaller and see life at the level of atoms otherwise its too big to handle and you'll get lost in the story. Its all made up.
The universe isn't letting me get away with insanity by making up more illusion. To the world I look insane because I have literally nothing except this moment.
This morning I had the idea that I should start packing. I bent over to pick something up and my back gave out. The pain was my body's response to stop me. Just because I don't fit here anymore doesn't mean that I am going to move. But my mind had to fill in the blanks and came up with that solution. I just can't see myself dying here any longer. My mind wanted to override my body's wisdom by getting ready to pack, so my body stepped in and responded with pain. Now I can't do a thing except wait.