Thursday, January 1, 2015

Nerves for Living

The dismantling process is over.  It’s getting easier.  I look back and I laugh.  Why was I so afraid throughout this entire journey.  It was only shadows.  Now that the light is shining on it I see that there is nothing to be scared off.

I flow faster.  As soon as I am done with one experience the next shows up.  I do less, yet each experience shows me more because my capacity to feel sensations has increased.  It is essential not to live from the mind.  My mind is not leading.   I still go very, very deep into the abyss.  But those times don’t last as long and the upside is so wonderful.  I don’t exactly welcome the downside, but that’s where I need to go to get me higher.  It’s like a catapult.  I go inside first and than I soar without effort.  If you want to stand tall, slouch first and it’s easier to stand up straight.  It’s the total relaxing and resting into the present that escalate me to higher highs.

Rage is still there, but it’s short-lived, and I am not afraid of it.  An incredible sweetness is showing up on the other side.  I am not as frozen with emotion.  Still defrosting, I am shown truth that I would not have been able to bear in the past.  Letting go of attachments isn’t easy.  Truth is heresy.

I never know how I show up.  My ego and patterns have held me back.  They cost me everything.  It’s a constant letting go and dying often.  I am used to it now.  I don’t get to hold onto anything.  I don’t know who I Am.  When I am certain of something it changes.  The emptier I am the more I am filled with joy.    There is a dance between heaven and hell, the contrast between soaring high and getting smashed against the cliff.   Each moment comes to life and dies, never to return.

That’s where I am now, still in transition of letting go of deeper illusions.  Steve Davis who wrote “Butterflies are free to fly” lives in constant joy.  I am not there yet.  I am following his model until it’s being replaced with something else.  I am experiencing more joy than ever.  The lengthy, gut wrenching, not having a clue what’s going on, is OVER.

Last year I thought my life was over.  I now see so many possibilities, but only if I let go of carrying it. There is enough light in me where everything is making sense.  I only have energy for the things I am supposed to do.  I get stressed quickly when my patterns want to take over.  Planning, arranging, thinking, figuring things out, drain me instantaneously and make me sick.  I have become so light that I can’t hold onto anything, not even thoughts.  I still have them, but they are just clouds, coming and going.   

I still don’t have any income.  My 21-year old son is providing for me.  Something I have been battling with for a long time.  It won’t change until I fully accept it, and than it won’t matter.  I let go of the attachments to my kids and it has brought us closer.   I stopped trying to change things.  They change through me observing what they bring out in me.  I feel more and deeper.

I am very homesick to visit Germany this year.  We don’t have the money to go.  It’s never about the finances.  It’s about letting go of my patterns, not carrying anything, and not letting my mind override the wisdom that runs my life.  The logistics are always taken care off.  They are none of my concern.  All I have to do is show up and play.  It takes nerves to live that way.  Believing is seeing.

I am not a victim of the outside world.  There is no out there out there. My neighbors are asses sometimes but they have no choice.  They are following a script for me.  Anything that gets my goat gets delivered until it no longer matters.  That’s the journey to freedom. When my internal world changes the outer world follows suit.  Sometimes I wished I had money so I could run away to a better place but it wouldn’t be better because I would still be the same.  This place has the perfect arrangement for me to face everything right here, right now. 

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