I got my groove back even if just for an hour while driving. Its the only time I feel fast, furious and alive. I am a German driver on American roads, used to going at least 110 mph. I get noticed. I have to get this deadness out somehow besides listening to loud music.
I woke up angry at myself for being so stupid allowing society to turn me into a piece of shit, a non-existing servant. When the light gets turned on its hard to turn it off. I saw clearly where women stand in society.
I didn't want to stand up to my bullying husband (now divorced for 8 years). It was too hard and too scary. Grown men confessed that they are afraid of him. Imagine me having to live with him when the least bit sets him off. The way he sees women is that they are here to serve him. Had I given him gold it would still not be enough. To him I wasn't deserving, therefore he didn't support me financially while I was raising the kids. He wanted me to go to work, do all the housework, take care of the kids while he was spending all the money on himself. The moment I had even a penny he wanted it. To him I didn't exist, so I had to birth myself into existence.
I realize my ex played that role so that I would see where I have given my power away. And I thank him for that.
For many my life looks problematic. They expect me to work and do something for society. I am not DOING SHIT!!
I don't know who the divine feminine is and I won't let others define it for me. I have to find out for myself. I am looking forward to a healthy relationship. This has been hard on men too and I want to know what the divine masculine is.
"For thousands of years what men has done to women is simply monstrous. She cannot think of herself as equal as man. And she has been conditioned so deeply that even if you say she is equal, she is not going to believe it. It has become almost her mind, the conditioning has become her mind, that she is less in everything. And the man who has reduced the women to such a state also cannot love her. LOVE CAN EXIST ONLY IN EQUALITY." ~Osho.
It says 'men has' not 'men have', just pointing that out, so easy to miss.
Sadly, to be equal, women have become men. Society is cruel. To be vulnerable is to be strong. I can only be as strong as I am weak.