Meltdowns are breakthroughs

My son's truck, my present home

I don't know how much more I can take.  I have one meltdown after another.  Meltdowns are breakthroughs.  I would like this experience to end, but it's accomplishing what it's supposed to, breaking me of my patterns and judgments and mental ideas of how life should look like.  I don't get to decide what experiences come my way.

I have been ill for 3 days contemplating whether I should check myself into the emergency room.  But I don't have health insurance.  I waited it out and I am getting better.  When you feel good things always look better.

Years ago I saw a movie based on true events, 'Anything to Survive' about 2 teenage girls surviving the harsh Alaskan winter for 2 months without food and shelter.  I have food and shelter. 

Our bodies are capable of so much more.  Domestication destroys our resilience.  My life is being simplified even more.

When you can't go on, that's where you decided to stop.
 

The new order, the feminine

There is a road we must travel alone because we are not a copy of anyone.  We are the original.

This is my time to do things on my own again.  Sleeping in the truck is quite comfortable.  During the day I explore the city, always finding something new to do.

We are anchoring the feminine, the inactive, the inner world, a new order in which life is taking place.

Swirling Molecules

I am living in the truck, a.k.a. city camping.  This is the perfect place right now, a place between, where I am not being pulled into other people's illusions.  I watch the sun rise, listen to nature, watch birds soar, and the city beneath, a place to unwind and get ready for the next BIG thing.  I am being changed to allow something new.

Energy comes before matter.  The only preparation I ever need is at the level of energy.  When that is taken care of the physical will fall into place effortlessly.

When you are in the present moment it doesn't matter what your surroundings look like because you are not addicted to having things a certain way.  You simply know that everything is in perfect and divine order.

Always perceive that you have a choice and never make it, that's the present.

We are made up of swirling molecules.  An inflexible person puts their molecules together the same way they were the moment before because change is too much for them to handle.  Their band width is very small.  As the sample rate increases they are able to perceive more and be more alive.

Whenever the molecules swirl around it confuses the mind because the mind doesn't have any matter to hold on to.  That's when the mind freaks out.  To the mind reality looks like an out of control chaotic mess.  The ever endless swirling molecules are always being put together the way they are supposed to.

On my own

I have been staying in my sons hospital room over night.  He is getting discharged on Wednesday but has to come back in a few weeks to have his skull bones put back in.

He is going to live with his dad and I don't know where I am going.  I don't like it at all, but I have to accept what the universe has for us.  

I have been experiencing deep sadness.  The old is dying and I am glad, but does it have to be so painful?  I have nothing to go by other than my internal compass.  Everyone around me is living in the old world.  I am transmuting so many survival issues.  I don't blame them for wanting to live in the matrix.  At least they are not tormented as I am.  They have something they can count on.

I may have to spend Christmas the traditional way.  There was no room at the inn and Jesus was born in a stable.  I may end up living in my son's truck.  It seems that the universe has forsaken me.  I have always kept my chin up but lately my heart has been heavy.

This morning I felt my body being taken apart at the molecular level over and over again feeling the swirling energies and then being put back together. 

Flexibility

I am back to sleeping in the Truck  I didn't want to stay at the Hospitality House any longer and the universe removed me immediately.  I enjoyed staying there, but it was time for a change.  My inner compass already knew that my time there was up and started to pack my things automatically.  My mind had no clue what was going on and so I observed what my body was doing.  The body always knows what's next.

The nurses and doctors want to know where we are going to live once my son gets released from the hospital.  I don't know because at this moment I am fully here.  I don't split myself.  When you split an atom you get the atomic bomb and when you split a human you get a splitting headache, schizophrenia, dysfunction and insanity among other things.  

The body can do anything.  It's the conditioned mind that holds us back.  The more input we can receive from the universe the more flexible we are and the faster life moves.  The mind isn't going to safe us, flexibility will.

To become flexible my foundation keeps being shaken to the core.  It's all about letting go.  I will continue going through hell until I have let go of everything and see everything as neutral.  Letting go looks like I am losing everything.  When illusions fall away its very painful for a moment.

My son is trying to find a solution to our 'dilemma'.  He is not there yet to wait for what shows up naturally.  No solutions can come from the mind because life is too complex for the mind to handle.  Life is complex, not difficult. 

The universe will not give us things that reinforce our illusions.  When I am emotionally ready for the next step it shows up.  There is always so much that I have to release before I can accept what shows up because the universe never gives me what I want.  If I get what I want I will go deeper into the illusion.

You don't need money. You need sanity.

Contrasting energies are showing up.  For every high there is an equal low.  I have been experiencing some form of insanity every other day.  It's part of the awakening.  You will lose your mind.  What makes you insane also makes you sane.

You don't need money.  You need sanity, which exists in the present moment only. The mind has a story for why the present moment shouldn't be the way it is, why the present moment needs to be meddled with.

The ego doesn't see the perfect order of things.  The ego is the only requirement to destroy everything.  That's why advancements in medicine cannot be made.  The ego in a fully functioning body that never gets sick, old or weak would be disastrous.  Being feeble keeps the ego in check.

My friend died of impatience.  She didn't wait for what shows up naturally.  Instead of listening to her body she listened to her mind and had the bone marrow transplant because she wanted to go back to her former active life.  We can't go back to the patriarchal way of living.  It is not who we are.

In the new energy everything is free.  We don't need to work for things, nor be deserving or worthy of them.  We can't have any judgment about how things come into our life.  I have to accept what shows up and the way it shows up.  If there is shame in receiving handouts, it has to be transmuted.  We have to be neutral about everything.  The mind can't have any stories, it's all made up.

That which is observed changes

Ever since my son came out of the coma he has been recovering incredibly fast.  I can feel the energies rearranging themselves and when I see him there is always something new that has developed with him.  All I ever do is observe.  I don't meddle, I don't plan, I don't have an agenda, I stay neutral.

I slept in the truck for 11 nights and today I was given a free room at the hospitality house for the next 7 days.  Groups come to the hospitality house to cook for the residents.  The pantry and refrigerators are always stocked.  The air at the hospital is very dry and regular water does not quench my thirst.  There is a store nearby that sells alkaline water that keeps me hydrated.  I have joint pain off and on.   Again, I am observing it, not trying to do anything about it.  This too is in perfect order.

Everything is provided for.  All I do is step into that space.  Presence does not exert energy.  That's how I was able to deal with everything that happened during the month of November.  My dad died, my best friend died, my son was in an accident and almost died, his dad had 3 surgeries and would have died had he not already been at the hospital; and I had to pack up the house and move the stuff to a temporary place.   Never once did I have a 'to do' list.  I make sure I always breathe fully and relax into my body, never using my mind to figure things out.

Problems exist in the mind only

Reality is kind, illusion is brutal.

The universe showed her kindness by making my ex sick.  He had 3 surgeries in the last 2 weeks and is bed ridden.  He attracts chaos wherever he goes, in fact, he looks for drama and problems where there are none.

There are no problems in the present moment.

Since my son is out of the coma he has been showing quick signs of recovery. However, he is still suffering and in pain.  I haven't left the Hospital in the last 6 days and sleep in the truck under the stars on top of the parking garage.

The urge for drama is an energetic imprint that wants to be fed.  People will do anything to keep their drama alive,  like an alcoholic reaching for the bottle they satisfy their need for havoc by chopping people's heads off.  I stepped into my ex's hospital room to pick up something and he started shouting about suing someone. The nurse came in and thought we were fighting.   I didn't get sucked into his agenda.

His need to be right has cost him his relationship with his children, but his ego doesn't care.   His ego has blinded him and he doesn't see that neither the children nor I am at fault.

Enlightenment messes with your mind

My son is doing better.  He is starting to wake up from the coma, but is not quite here yet.  He had another surgery yesterday as is expected with so many tubes going into his body.

I am experiencing more stillness, emptiness, nothingness than ever before, which is causing my mind to go bunkers.  The mind always wants something to do, wants to be filled instead of empty.  More emptiness means terror to the mind.  And that's what I have been feeling, insanity and terror.  My mind wants something to grab on to, but there is nothing.  The mind wants to go back to its familiar patterns but they no longer exist.  New pathways have been created and there is nothing familiar about them.

It is a moment by moment unfolding.  Nothing can be planned because nothing is going to be the way I think.  By not knowing what's going to happen my body is releasing fear and so many other emotions that have been stored in my cells.

Enlightenment is losing your mind.

The dumbed-down human

My ex asked me to hand over my son's iPhone and laptop.  At that moment I realized that technology is holding us back.  We all have that in us.  I have known that we have been dumbed down but was unaware to what extend.

Then I traveled at the speed of Mach^xi.  It was too much for my body and I had to curl up into a ball until it was over.  I broke through the barrier that is holding humanity back. 

I needed this upgrade because I am so much more.  I cannot live in this dumbed-down version of myself anymore and I yearn for my full expression. 

My life has become extremely easy because my mind can no longer terrorize me with 'what if' and needing to plan every detail.  I am not thinking anything through.  I just follow wherever my body leads me because my body is always in the present moment doing what it's supposed to be doing while the mind always overrides it until you become aware of the limitations of the mind and you will never again listen to the mind.  

The mind doesn't know the future. 

My son is starting to come out of the coma.  There is so much going on, yet, I hardly ever do anything except clearing the energies surrounding the events and then everything falls into place effortlessly.  Everything is born out of stillness.

Energy comes before matter.

I die before I die.  That's how I can deal with almost having lost my son.  I have been clearing the energetic imprints from my body so that I can breeze through everything that shows up.  There is nothing holding me back, no emotions, no believes,  no ancestral programming.  The process of clearing was the hardest I have ever had to do because in essence I had to feel everything on it's way out, every madness, every insanity, and there may be more to come.

We are taught to hold on.  We were forced to go outside before we even had a chance to go inside.  We have lost so much, and I have won it all back.

I took the truck in for inspection.  As I waited outside a man parked his car and asked me if he can park there.  His body took him to the perfect spot to be next in line, but he didn't notice it.  Always trust your body.

The universe has been waiting for this

The gods must be pleased

The universe wants my ego dead.  I am smack back where I was 7 years ago when I got the divorce.  Now my ex-husband is full tilt back in my life because of our son's coma.  

The best way to kill the ego is to submit to someone difficult, which my ex is the most difficult person I know.

My mind doesn't know where to go to process this.

When you are not the witness you are the meddler.  

My best defense is to be the witness and not to fight, to approach each moment without an agenda.

You can only be as independent as you are dependent.

Yesterday the universe briefed me on what is going on.  This isn't just about my son’s journey.  This is about the divine feminine and the divine masculine.  People get to see the dysfunctional masculine through my ex’s actions, how he undermines me at every turn.

When my son comes out of the coma he may move in with his dad for rehabilitation.  I don't know for sure.  I don't have the money to get a place for us, neither do I need the money.  It's not my responsibility.  I am the divine feminine, the creative energy.  I can't manifest anything, that's the job of the divine masculine. The universe will have someone lined up to manifest what is needed. 

People want to be in relationships but they don't want to let go of their ego.  And that's why relationships don't work. Wanting something from another is abuse.  People have expectations of me which I will not live down to.  They expect me to be the dysfunctional feminine, because that’s the only model they know.

As for now, I am still at the house because I need a familiar place. I am not paying the rent.  I have no idea where I am going from here.  It doesn't really matter, it's all in perfect order.

I talked to my brother-in-law.  He is also on the awakening journey.  But in his case he gets what he wants.  He has a job he loves, owns a house, has a girlfriend and travels.  And when life is made that easy for someone they end up giving you unsolicited advice on how you should live your life, which he did.  Seeing that I am destitute in his eyes, he told me that I need to plan things and find out what I want.  What does it matter if I plan things or find out what I want.  My son is in a coma, all my planning would be futile.

This moment prepares me for the next.

For him as for so many others, awakening is still a mental concept.  Just wait when they start feeling.

This is too big for me, but the universe is bigger.  The universe was waiting for this.