More than ready but still WAITING

I have outgrown my life.  After spending 3 days with my daughter and her friends I came back to a place that no longer fits.  I was always getting along with the neighbors, but that changed over night.  Is the universe kicking me out?  I don't mind, but when?

People I befriended have already left.  No one would miss me. This is a fork in the road and I can't even imagine what kind of life is awaiting.  I know I need a bigger life.

I don't have to search and seek for anything.  It will fall into my lap when I am completely ready.  Until then I will be cruising in the car with the stereo turned up to the tilt.  I need NOISE, moving sound to drown out this dead space, because something has got to move.

The lives of my children have also been rearranged.  My son is driving an 18 wheeler around the country.  He is moving without moving.  My daughter landed a very part-time job.  Both making just enough to get by and lots of free time on their hands.  We are all waiting.

This feels so done.  

Always perceive you have a choice

I spent 3 wonderful days with my daughter.

You can’t step into the same river twice.  I knew when I returned home I would not go back to the way things were.  The moment I got out of the car my neighbor approached me saying that I am driving too fast and he wants me to slow down.  He is the one who ran over his dog, not me.  Just because he is a lousy driver doesn't make me one.  My body drives the car and I don’t let my mind interfere with it.  If birds had minds they would fly into trees second guessing themselves.  They fly at enormous speed through the woods without crashing into something.  Only the human mind is so stupid wanting to be at the helm of life.  The mind interferes with the speed of life.  We are extremely fast creatures, and that man wants me to slow down?  Not on my watch.

People want me to agree with their fears, opinions and beliefs, to be just like them, slow and dead.  I have given too much blood to the universe to still be part of illusion.  As long as I participate I keep getting the same experiences.

I am cycling through a lot of feelings and my mind is beating me up that I was too harsh with that man in front of his wife and son.  Reality is:  I did what I did because I was supposed to do that. The mind is second guessing.  It doesn't matter what my mind is telling me, the important part is what I am feeling, all the feelings have to come up so that they can be released.  There is a lot to feel and my mind is coming up with the worst, that he may call the police or talk to my landlord. 

Staying here has become unbearable.  I am being squeezed from all sides. Always perceive you have a choice and never take it, that’s the present.  I would like to move in with my daughter. I can't bear the thought of sticking it out here.  My mind needs a place to go to.  My body doesn't.  If I run from it the same situation will be waiting at the new destination. 

When time changes.

Weird and strange is an understatement.  I don't know if anyone else is feeling this.

There is only Now.  Before I was able to live in the Now I knew where I stood. Nothing much changed because my mind was filled with the same old, same old; my patterns were the filter for me to see only certain things.

Many of the filters have been removed and I see things I have never seen before.  That's what makes it so strange.  I am in the same location, doing the same things, yet feeling like an alien.  I used to look to the outer world for validation but now the inner world has taken over and I feel new things.

Quantum physics states that everything is energy, in a vibrational state until observed.  I am vibrating all fucking day long.  I can really feel that everything is energy and everything is happening at the same time, blinking in and out, which gives it the illusion that things are moving, but they aren't.  

I see people living in houses and I see them gone.  I see the tree and I see it gone.  All the stages of a tree's life are happening at the same time.  Time is an illusion so that we see the events spread out and not happening all at once. Time is changing and that's why I am seeing this.  It's really freaky when something is there and its not there at the same time.

The landlord came by and I kept staring at him.  He looked 20 years younger. He is young and old at the same time and I got to see what he looked like when he was younger.

Trust the inner world.

I fell apart, died metaphorically, and came back resurrected (till the next time).  It went deep and quick.  

The universe wants me to be free and to have it all, but there are fears and unworthiness which block such freedom and its sabotaging me.  'You mean, I don't have to work for any of this?'   Conceptually I know this, but when it comes to living it, that's another domain.  I don't get to decide where my sustenance comes from.

All this time I thought the universe was out to get me, withholding money, barely scraping by, nothing working out, when in fact it is here to set me free from these illusions.  Now I am grateful and a bit shaken, proving this theory on a bigger scale.

The ego doesn't want to die.  Every time the ego has to retreat, it comes up with horror stories, like when I was told to let go of the kids.  It doesn't mean to let go of them physically as I erroneously thought, but to let go of them emotionally.  Emotions have been programmed into us by a needy society.

I am visiting my daughter this weekend and we both are looking forward to it. Neither one of us is forced into a role anymore.  There is no obligation, no advice to give her, just enjoying each others company, neither one of us wanting something from the other. Now we get to have each other without the baggage.

Micromanagement is out.  Discussing who takes out the garbage and who does what chores, that's not even a conversation.  When I ask people for help I get their resistance.   Things get done effortlessly without me asking.  We were conditioned that without thinking about it nothing will get done.  But it does.

My body knows what needs to get done before I become aware of it.  All I have to do is observe my body.  I sit relaxed on the couch until my body gets me up.  My mind would have me run around in a frightened frenzy, trying to please society, the cruel taskmaster, which operates on guilt, shame, lack.   

I used to interrupt the natural flow of things and ended up exhausted trying to get things done my way, in my time.   The universe works like a fine tuned machine where everything is taken care off.  Trust your inner world, it's more real than the outer world. There is no out there out there.

I go back to the stillness, nothingness, emptiness, so that I align myself with what is.  I get what I don't want.  Because what I don't want, that's where I am stuck.

Annihilation - The Cardinal Grand Cross

A very subtle energy is weaving its way into my subconscious.  My mind / ego isn't going to survive this. Death is everywhere, not as violent as in times past, its more a whisper.  I am a cardinal sign, Capricorn, and I am feeling it.

No physical symptoms only mental as if someone is messing with my mind. As if I am in an insane asylum, everyone around me is normal except me and I hope they don't find out.

On April 23 is the Cardinal Grand Cross.  4 planets line up at 13 degrees.  13 is the death card, the card of destruction. The old has to die.

Pluto is in Capricorn.  It forces people to change whether they like it or not.  Pluto rules the underworld.  It means power and intensity.  People power is rising up against the government.

Uranus is in Aries.  Uranus is the planet of change.  Breakthroughs in medicine.

Mars is in Libra.  Mars is the planet of war. It means action.  Mars is in retrograde right now. 

Jupiter is in Cancer.  Jupiter is the great abundance giver.  Jupiter has the power to turn things around.   Jupiter enlarges whatever it touches, whether it’s positive or negative.

The 4 planets make a square.  A square is a challenging aspect.  The 4 planets also oppose each other.  Lots of push and pull.  

Being stripped bare, the new is peaking through.

My mind wants to play it safe. That ship has sailed.

Physically nothing has changed, if anything, things have gotten tighter.  I deal with old things in a new way.  I don't have the energy to keep up with the old ways.  That's why lots of things were dropped.  I didn't drop them, they dropped me and now I can't pick them back up again, they are gone forever.  I have the feeling lots more has to go, being stripped bare so that I can function in a new way.

There is no getting out of it, staying in step with ‘what is,’ no matter how maddening; it’s a slow, senseless and intense process and I have to follow it.  This is my path.

Once the safety net has been built through years and years of hellish experiences, letting go becomes a quicker process, big chunks of the old can be released at once.  I am being freed of so much, and I have no choice in this, I have to let go of everything, and I mean everything, including people.  I am not here to carry them.  I am not here to carry anything.

I feel freedom, but it comes with a price.  I didn't expect having to let go of people.  But that's how society is set up, that you need others.  Only they can set themselves free. The moment they are ready to drop their stories the universe will rearrange itself.  Awareness fixes everything.

Don't leave yourself

I went to the post office, got there too early and had to wait for them to open.  A postal employee was also waiting outside.  I talked to her and it was awkward because I have never left my mind out of a conversation.  I was all in my body.  I came from a vulnerable place.  I looked at her and really saw her.   It was a full body experience.  What if everything could massage you?  Feelings enliven us. (Feelings aren't emotions).

A baby isn't born until the belly of the mother softens.  I am living with a soft belly, relaxing into my body.  Any tension is an indication that I am not trusting.  The mind wants to be in control.  Breathing gets me out of my mind.

  

Going down again

After feeling really good for almost 2 weeks I am going down again. I am not fighting it.  I let my body carry what my mind can't by feeling everything instead of trying to make sense of it or trying to talk myself out of feeling what I am feeling.

No one knows what's going on and whoever says they do, I am not going to take their word for it.  This is a very personal experience and journey.  I am feeling emptiness, death, destruction, nothingness. I don't even have words for it.  In other words, I feel like shit.

I don't have to do anything to get me out of it, only wait for it to turn on its own.  You can only go as high as you can go low.  I take in lower vibrations and convert them into higher vibrations.

Plants are alchemists. 

The following is taken from Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey – hiding in the light, Episode 5 (@ 32:00).

How do the astonishing colors of nature happen?  How do the red’s and the blue’s happen?  Light waves of different lengths from the sun strike the earth.  The pedals of blue flowers absorb all the low-energy, long, red wave lengths of light; but they reflect the shorter, high-energy blue wave lengths.  That interaction between star light and pedal is what makes blue.  The longest waves, the ones we see as red, have the lowest energy.

Only do what brings you joy

Obamacare.  It's mamdatory.  I didn't know it until this morning.  I don't have a penny to go on any health-care plan.  Money comes in to support my sane lifestyle and not fund my fears.

I am not saying people shouldn't have health insurance.  My son's accident cost almost half a million and it was paid for by 2 insurances.  In my case, I am not supposed to have health insurance at this time, which means I have to let go of the fears surrounding not having insurance.  My experiences are here to help me let go of my fears.

The contrast of the outer world is staring me in the face every day to let me see what I have given power to so that I will no longer participate in it.  Than the world becomes a playground rather than a mine field.  

Society condemns self-love. We learned that we aren't good enough.  You have to be gentle with yourself.  No one will do it for you.  

My freedom came through submission.  You can only be as independent as you are dependent.  I had to submit even to my kids, my crazy neighbors, my ex. It made me furious.  Those were the first steps to release my patterns and my ego.  Now I only do what brings me joy.

All cords will be cut.  Letting go of emotional attachments to people, places and things is a bittersweet pill. I said good-buy to a very dear friend.  When something is finished you move on.  You don't get to stick around. 

The old model is based on obligation, neediness, co-dependence, all disguised as love.  The new model seems cold, detached and selfish, but it isn't.

Now the question is, what brings me joy?  That's a new can of worms that's been opened.  My first thought was going on a vacation, flying somewhere. How can I have joy without money.  I want to buy things and that costs money.  THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH MONEY (that's my mind).  Obviously that's not what joy is.

I would like to go ahead, but it would be a patterned go-ahead.  So I wait for what shows up naturally. I landed in a new space which requires a new approach.

Me first

I only get to do what brings me joy.  My body will get sick if I don’t.  Me first.  That's such a new idea.  Things get done.  The universe rearranges itself to accommodate my lighter life.

I was shown that I have to let go of the kids, it felt like the end of the world until I got it.  Letting go of the kids doesn’t mean they disappear from my life.  It means that the relationship has changed.  Society encourages needy relationships, mistaking neediness for love, it’s all drama.  I am getting a glimpse of wholeness.  Coming back to myself takes great courage.

 

All effort is ignorance.

Vortex

Nothing is getting done and things are slipping away.  And that's the way its supposed to be.

I am trying to focus, but I can't.  Nothing sticks.  I can't hold on to who I think I am, the energy is moving so fast spinning my patterns out of me.

I am in the falling away stage, the false is being removed.  When I come out of it I will be lighter.  Right now its exhausting going through that vortex.

Only the false can fall away.  In the past I was afraid to fall apart because to the mind it looks like I wouldn't be able to function in the world anymore.  Now I welcome it because whatever isn't me is being removed.  My shadow is disappearing.  Existence takes care of me.

Anything false needs continuous holding together and it doesn't support me, I have to support it.  Presence does not exert energy.  Nothing in my life should use up my energy.  Anything that needs my energy is not who I am.  That's where I have given power away.

In the beginning of the journey the shadows were terrifying, eventually they became smaller until I realized they aren't real.

It takes too much effort maintaining the person I am not.

The dreamer coming out of hiding

It seems the light is here to stay.  The light has always been here, but instead of light being reflected back to me, there was only darkness, insanity, hatred, terror, death and destruction staring into my face, scary shadows that weren't real.

I am still descending, but there are no monsters. Now its mainly about letting go of my patterns so that my responses can come from emptiness rather than conditioning.  The body is extremely efficient when the mind isn't interfering.  The abyss is gone, it was never there to begin with.  The cliffs have vanished.

Life has turned around.  I feel more, deeper, wider, louder, expanding, amplified.  The tiniest things transform me.  I heard a bird sing and my body almost burst.  I am filled up, overflowing.

The outer world isn't real, my inner world is real.  The outer world hasn't changed, but now I have a different response to it.  Illusion requires maintenance.  There is nothing I have to maintain.

Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move. ~Rumi