Dead ends

Ramona Falls, Oregon

I am wearing my nerves on my sleeves.  Every day something new shows up and than it fizzles.  Every road is leading to a dead end.  

This is such a destructive process.  Space is being created for something entirely new to emerge.

My son was supposed to get a grant and than he isn't.  We follow every new lead and than it disappears.  Several times it looked like we were going to move.  Each prospect looks so real, experiencing every angle of it, and than nothing happens.

Its a simulated virtual process.  The mind doesn't know its not real and gets the full benefit of this deception.  If I had to physically experience the possibilities it would take years.  I am spared the mundane details and light is shed only on the most important aspects.  Therefore I can move through everything quickly and efficiently.  By now its starting to wear me out.  I need a little break.

The hallow space

Everything seems so far away.  I am at peace again and feel really good about my life.  Yesterday's meltdown took me to a new space, but I am still empty, as if there is an echo coming from the hallow space around me.  There is nothing out there.

My ex-mother-in-law called my son wanting to know when I am going to get a job and start contributing.   WOW!!  Such blindness.  I could give them gold and it would still not be enough.  I will never again be subjected to such abuse.  Even so the journey has been cruel, reality is kind.

Empty and dead

Another useless promise

I have nothing left.  I am dead and empty to everything around me.  I don't know where I belong.   I am not the type who gives up, but here I am, giving up.  

It took three days to install new pipes in the kitchen, yet the water is still backed up, not even a trickle is going through.  My emotions are backed up, I just want to scream.  That's useless.  It's not going to change anything.  Cry me a river.

New words in my vocabulary: cynical, pissed, livid, abandoned, hurt, left for dead...

Mind fillers

Things are down to a trickle.  Nothing is moving.  The plumbing in our apartment is backed up and is being replaced.  My son's trip was cancelled.  Something is supposed to happen and than it doesn't.  I call these mind fillers to keep us busy because we aren't quite there yet to embrace the emptiness.

The universe is 99.99% empty space.  My life is starting to mimic that.

When the mind is used to constant action this 'nothingness' is hard to take.  I am glad I don't get what I want.  What shows up is much kinder and gentler.  Life is effortless when the mind is not in the equation.

The universe doesn't give me anything that reinforces illusion.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I know nothing.

Mind filters.

Nothing has to make sense.  I am fine with the way things are.   I don't have to figure out why, what and how.  I am here to have experiences.  There is no straight line nor cause and effect.

For 10 weeks we were told that my son isn't getting unemployment. This has brought out different responses of even relief for not receiving any income.  When I accepted it, a letter came to inform us that he is getting a little bit of money.  External events are based on what is supposed to be accomplished within me and not how the government is set up.  One moment its all 'Noooo' and the next its all 'Yess'.  There are no rules nor limitations.  When all my emotions have been processed the situation can turn around, but may not.

We had our cabin broken into and a $2,000 trailer stolen.  My son was hired for a one day assignment and didn't get paid, he got scammed.  The truck still hasn't been repaired after 3 weeks of sitting at the shop.  It just keeps going on and on.  It doesn't matter.  I am ecstatic.  Life no longer has to be a certain way.  Nothing is going the way we imagine it.  The mind is constantly being set up to get lost.

The mind has an opinion about everything.  It filters life's events until there is no reality left, only illusion.  With my mind constantly being tricked, my mind doesn't know where it stands and has to look at what's really going on and has to release all this wishful thinking that life is going to get better in the future.  Life is getting better and worse. 

That's why I am going out of my mind often.  Hurray, I am losing my mind.  Nothing is going the way I was taught: "When you do this, you get that."  No, that's not the way it goes.

Progress

I feel 99.99% crazy.  This is progress as my illusions continue to be dismantled and my formless essence shall arise eventually.  Nothing is going to move forward until I have moved inward even more.  I get the drill.

There is no out there out there.

Enjoy the ride

I feel like an alien.  I actually am an alien.  I have a green card.  But seriously, how much stranger is it going to get?  At the moment my life feels empty and bizarre, as if everything was removed from my brain.

The world has seen 'nothing' yet.

Structures are falling, falling, falling.   None of the old can be taken along.  There is nothing for us to inhabit.  We are still in between.  It feels kind of eerie, yet comforting.  All I can do is wait this out.

The new way to be

My son turned 21 today.  He finished his commercial truck driving school, graduated with high scores, 17 recruiters called him in one day, but there is a tiny technicality.  He may not be able to drive for a year, and he isn't getting unemployment either (he lost his job 2.5 months ago).  We have no income whatsoever.

We took our truck to get fixed.  The mechanic made many promises, that we could pay part of the repairs by selling firewood to one of his friends.  That was 10 days ago.  The truck is still sitting there untouched, the firewood hasn't been picked up.

This has been going on for months, it's the sign of the new.  We are hanging in the space of nothing.  As we become lighter matter behaves differently.  I for one can no longer carry anything, especially not peoples problems.  It feels too heavy, as if I am getting a heart attack.

I can only focus on what's right in front of me, anything beyond that doesn't exist.  According to quantum physics everything is a wave until observed, our focus is limited to the size of a thumb.  People are so far into the future and the past that they don't notice this.

I know it has to be this way and I am stoked.  We cannot go back in time and the new is unfolding as we go.

I am riding an incredible wave.  One moment I am flying as high as a kite, the next I have butterflies in my stomach.  Solid ground appears as I put my foot on the ground and disappears as soon as I take it off the ground.

I can't handle knowing the whole plan.  Don't even show me the next step.  Before I can take the next step, this step vanishes.  There is nothing behind me and nothing before me.

When I want to call it quits ...

A few days ago as I was entering a new blog post my internet went down.  I had a prophetic dream that night which negated everything I wrote in that post.

Basically I called it quits.  I let go of my twin flame for the millionth time.  I was questioning ascension, whether any of my experiences were real or if I made it all up.

The carrot (my twin flame) has been dangling before me for 17 years, it is getting harder to belief that we will ever be together.  In my dream I went to his office and he gave me a very large bottle of eye drops.  Bottles are good to dream of if filled with transparent liquid.  You will overcome all obstacles in affairs of the heart.  Prosperous engagements will ensue.

OK then.  I shall continue with this insane journey.

Over the years many people pointed the way, but I can't rely on them.  Their experience isn't mine.  I am on my own, discerning the signs and signals.  These signs are like a light house by the stormy sea.  My soul keeps me going to the end.

My other life

In my other life

When illusions fall away its the death to the structures I have built.  I loved my other life, but it was built on illusions.  I am mourning my other life.

I have been going through waves of death.  That's what it looks like when you stop building illusion like crazy, nothing looks familiar, the unfiltered life.

I am becoming more aware of the difference between imagination and reality.  No dreaming is possible when only reality remains.   Reality is tremendously fulfilling.  However, the road to reality (taking off the filters) is not for the faint at heart.  

At least this time I don't fill in the blanks with horror stories of where I am going to end up or how I am going to survive because I know from experience that whatever shows up is perfect.  I am ok with not knowing.  The unknowable will give me wings.

A new temporary place

Yesterdays quantum jump took me into another temporary space.  This leap has been especially hard on my body, many aches and pains and exhaustion.

Things are being burned down behind me, nothing to be taken along.  A new memory.  This leap has already been integrated.  A new high becomes an old low in mere moments.  I am back to 'nothing'.