Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Endings run deep

My son found a house and is moving out at the end of the month.  I on the other hand don't know where I am going.  My mind is plummeting down into its pit of the patriarchal cellular memories and is coming up with all kinds of horror stories, i.e. I will end up at a shelter. 

My place hasn't shown up yet so that I can release everything that is blocking me from moving forward.  I am releasing the old so that the new can show up.  To the mind there is only one solution, when you don't have any money you are out on the street.

I have to stay in the present moment and attend to whatever shows up at that moment.  I can't reach into the future and prepare for something that is coming from the mind.   This is very hard because I am a breath away from being out on the street, but right now I am here having a roof over my head.

Nothing ever shows up until the last moment because until then you are still dealing with all the energies of release.  The new cannot show up until the old is released. 

I am hurting horribly.  There are times I can't stop weeping.  There is so much coming up. 

The most wonderful thing is that the universe is supporting me.  My daughter is coming to visit tomorrow for a few days.  When I need my children most they are here for me. 

My son is ready to live on his own and I am very happy about that.  My kids get to witness how I am dealing with life outside the patriarchy.  To them it will seem nuts to not prepare by running around feverishly getting things done. 

The mind projects things into the future looking at the situation at hand: I have to move out by the end of the month and there is no place to go.  The mind reacts to this with panic, upset, worries, fear, horrible outcomes. 

If I worry about the future I will miss the wonderful time I am going to have being with both my children.  And that's what I am looking forward to.  Who cares what happens at the end of the month.  When the time comes this too shall be taken care of.  Only this moment exists and I have to be fully in it.

I have no car, I live in the country, no phone, no money.  All of these are handicaps to the dysfunctional patriarchal mind.   But the universe birthes each moment out of nothing, out of stillness.  We'll see what the universe is going to birth for me.

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