Sunday, January 6, 2013

The straw that broke the camel's back

Living in the Truck for a month accomplished 2 things that I am aware of: driving me out of identification with form, and dissolving the ego.  I am neutral and have no desire for anything, maybe because I am just too damn worn out.

Looking for yourself in an external form causes suffering because that's not the essence of who we are.  Making form work for you doesn't mean that your life is working.  People want to change their lives by changing the forms in their lives.  I don't have to add anything to myself.  I don't have to exert effort to be me.  If you use effort to be you than you think that there is something wrong with you, that you are not enough.  I can move through life effortlessly.

My computer wasn't working and I used the courtesy phone at IKEA to contact my son so that he won't worry about me when he doesn't hear from me for a few days.  I then went to the cafeteria to drink hot water to hydrate myself for yet another long night in the truck.  As I sat there my sons step mom came looking for me urging me to come home with her.   As soon as we reached her house my body gave out completely.  I had a pinched nerve and it was excruciating.  My body won't survive another night in the truck.  I think I am done with that experience.

The next morning we had a family meeting.  Her brother was not at all happy that I was living in the truck.  He told my ex that this is not the way to treat the mother of your children.  Not only was my son recovering from a severe accident he also had to worry about my safety.  His step mom begged his dad daily to put me up in a motel but he wouldn't.  That broke the camels back.  He is being served papers to vacate the premises within 60 days, she's filing for separation.

My sons step mom took her last pennies and reserved a room for me at a motel for 4 nights.  My son will be joining me tonight. 

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