I live in an environment that I hate. If I get what I want I will make the illusion real. What I want is always illusion, I never want the real thing because the real thing is always beyond my threshold. When the real thing shows up I am being pushed beyond what I can handle so that I can spontaneously reorganize myself at a higher level.
My environment is helping me to fall apart. However, I am not really falling apart, I am losing everything that isn't me. Who I think I am is falling away. It appears as death, but it's really the prelude to life.
I am being upgraded so that I can function in new ways because the old ways no longer work, they helped me survive, but I am no longer in the survival mode. As long as I have to survive I don't grow.
I can only grow when I am safe, that's why I keep revisiting the old lair. It seems like the same shit is hitting the fan over and over, coming full circle but always at a higher level, because something has to stay the same for me to feel safe so that I can grow. The day will come where nothing has to stay the same, where I won't need the false security of familiarity.
Chaos is a sign that I am being pushed over my limit so that my system can reorganize itself at a higher level. But it only works when I allow it to happen. Avoidance through medicating myself with distractions or blaming others for my problems will keep the same problems alive. Avoidance doesn't transmute anything. The road out is the road in. To get out I have to go in.
When I reorganize myself everything around me spontaneously reorganizes itself as well. This increases my possibilities infinitely.