Coming out of the darkness

This is the third day of me feeling really good.  In recent weeks I felt great for only a moment and than went back into the never-ending darkness.  Maybe I am done transmuting old energies.  There has to be an end to this.

This morning I woke up being told:  Only do what you really enjoy.

My body will react immediately with pain when I try to do something I should not be doing because my patterns want to override my body's wisdom.

I was thinking of picking up the trash that's been blown around the yard.  The very moment I had that thought I felt a sharp pain in my right foot and had to wait for it to stop.

That trash is none of my business, but my patterned mind will make everything my business.  Whatever I look at, my mind will make up a story and go off spinning out illusion at mammoth proportion.

I may still pick up some trash, but it won't be pre-meditated.  I will just observe my body picking something up.

I have to let the world turn without my help.

According to quantum physics, everything is a wave until observed.  Nothing exists until I look at it.  I was looking at the daffodils in the snow from my upstairs apartment, but I couldn't fully enjoy them because I remembered the trash in the yard, even so I didn't see it.

This looks like a trivial thing, but it isn't.  Carrying all these things in the mind is baggage.  People respond to the reality they hold in their heads, not what's really going on.  There is no out there out there.  Light doesn't even carry a speck of dust.  Yet humans carry everything, shopping lists, to do lists, what they want to do next, what they have done years ago, it's a huge, huge list of the mind being filled with things that exist in the mind only.  My body will take me to wherever I need to go to get whatever I need to get.  It has never failed me.  That's why I can always be at rest.

I can only do what I do, anything else is a figment of the mind.  I was looking at an almost empty bottle of water and thought that I need to buy some more.  Already my patterned mind had an agenda.  I couldn't just look at that bottle, my mind had to make up a story.  I will either buy more water or I won't.

Stimulus is everywhere, its a hook for the mind.

I have conquered the big things, like survival fear.  Now I am becoming aware of the little things that fill my mind unnecessarily.

The cliffs and more emptiness

Today is the equinox and I feel deader and emptier than ever.

The last few month, everything has ended.  We are done with it. 

Today feels new.  I have no idea whats going to happen.  The mind wants to fill in the blanks, but none of what my mind comes up with will happen.

I feel empty.  There is nothing in front of me.  I am lost.  All the things we've gone through have ended.  I saw my reflection in a window today and I looked like a ghost.  I don't know where I belong nor what this is all about.  We went through so much and nothing materialized.

Quantum physics is helping me make sense of this process. Most people see the universe as solid, unaware that everything is a wave until observed.  The reason why I feel so empty and walking on a cliff all the time is because 99.99% is empty space and I am becoming aware of this.  My life is starting to mimic the universe.  There is nothing except this moment and I don't have to carry the next moment, trying to figure it out and plan it.

Chop wood, carry water. To be here in this present moment is scary because it is so empty.  The mind wants action and excitement and for things to happen.  But there is nothing happening.  At the smallest particle even a bill is made up of atoms and the mind has a story about those black squiggles on a piece of paper.  Its that interpretation that makes people unhappy.  You have to become smaller and see life at the level of atoms otherwise its too big to handle and you'll get lost in the story.  Its all made up.

The universe isn't letting me get away with insanity by making up more illusion.  To the world I look insane because I have literally nothing except this moment.

This morning I had the idea that I should start packing.  I bent over to pick something up and my back gave out.  The pain was my body's response to stop me.  Just because I don't fit here anymore doesn't mean that I am going to move.  But my mind had to fill in the blanks and came up with that solution.  I just can't see myself dying here any longer.  My mind wanted to override my body's wisdom by getting ready to pack, so my body stepped in and responded with pain.  Now I can't do a thing except wait.

No safety gear

The brain knows 6 seconds before I know what I am going to do because everything gets downloaded to the brain first from The Field and than is projected out there for me to interact with.

I as a conscious witness of my inner life am not making decisions.  I can only witness these decisions.  Something else is running my life and I have suspected that for a very long time.

What I want to do throughout the day is based on my patterns.  I am a creature of habit and these patterns are being interrupted more so every day.  I don't get to do what I want.   'Want' is based on conditioning.

 

Its a daily chiseling away of programming.  Whatever needs to get done will get done without any effort on my part.  People have opinions and no one I personally know is agreeing with my approach of doing nothing, which results in the friction I need to continue with my explorations.  I am always questioning everything.  Am I listening to them or am I following my gut, the unknown?

When you meet the Buddha, or whatever Guru, kill him and go further.  This is a journey where no one can help me.  I have dropped enough baggage and this process isn't scaring me nearly as much.  I feel lighter.

My son has been going through orientation with a trucking company for the past 3 weeks and will be gone probably for another week.  He has his own illusions.  People always want to solve problems that aren't there.  Instead of waiting for what shows up naturally he's already ahead of the game making plans.  He wants us to move to the cabin.  There is no running water nor electricity.  It would be living off-grid.

If I would act on people's illusions I would go crazy.  The body can't stand up and sit down at the same time, yet people are trying to do this all the time.  They are living their lives in their heads, which is totally incongruent.  The actions of the mind are based on what it knows and the actions of the body are based on what is needed.

My body is not preparing to move out to the cabin and I am not using my mind to force my body to pack up.  I listen to the wisdom of my body and neither my son, nor my mind, nor anyone else is going to override this.  I am relaxed in my body.

I trust my body and my body is always saying:  Do less.

People have stories about why they do what they do and these stories are totally unrelated.  Its all made up, yet they never notice.

My journey is a journey to sanity where the mind will never again rule.  Its a treacherous path and society has a required safety gear in the form of a big bank account, insurance, protection of all sorts.  I have none of that.  I am empty handed and I am facing all my fears.

The illusion of Money

Just yesterday I needed massive rest, and this morning it flipped.  My new life walked in, and its over my head.  How the fuck am I supposed to live it without the finances.  I don't even have enough to walk out the front door.

This is a hologram, and nothing is real.  The money is provided for every experience I am having. So, whatever awaits on the horizon will also bring in the money for it.

The opposite of everything is true.  There is no objective, independent reality "out there" and the experience I am processing isn't real.  Letting go of judgments, beliefs, opinions and fears; withdrawing, disconnecting, or switching off any power assigned to a person, place or thing within the hologram; that is my process.  That's why I have to leave my comfort zone to bust all these illusions.  That I need to earn money is the biggest illusion.

That's enough to pee in your pants.  I am going out into the world empty handed.  When you are ready things start moving very quickly.

The hardest part is to leave my kids.  They are 21 and 23, and they take care of themselves.  Still, its a lot to ask.  I have to do a bunch of releasing on that one.  That's the part I am not ready for.  And this too isn't real, but I give it so much power. 

All the things people are attached to, their photo albums, their memories, their friends, places, jobs, identities, things.  All of these are illusions.  We are inside a hologram.  Nothing is real.  It's just a wave until observed and than it turns into a particle.  Behind me nothing exists.  To my right nothing exists.  To my left nothing exists until I look at it.

There is a chapter on money in Butterflies are free to fly - Money.

A new stage of metamorphosis

I fell

I have been sick since Sunday, unable to sleep and eat, shivering.  This one is a doozie.  There isn't an ounce of energy left in me.

  

This is not an intellectual journey

We cling to our believes to give us the false sense of control and those believes keep us from living an expanded life.  We are capable of only repeating the same old, same old with nothing new coming in.

Take a fundamental Christian for instance.  Their believes keep them pinned in the corner while judging the rest of the world as evil.  Believes, judgments and opinions keep me stuck in illusion.

A year ago I was told to go into the unknown empty handed.  We moved to Lenoir while my son was recovering from his accident.  I thought that was it.  But now I find out that I haven't even scratched the surface of empty-handed.   The abyss that isn't there is getting scarier.  Why does illusion have such a grip?

The mind cannot understand this journey.  This is a journey of losing the mind.  The destruction of everything I have known.

I walked away

I walked away from a friendship.  If someone wants to constantly change me and see something wrong with what I do with my life than that's abuse.  I have no room for that.  Not accepting me and trying to push me along to fit into their illusion isn't working.  Life is an intricate paradox.  You can't tell someone how to live their life.

People see me as they are not as I am.  This was a parent-child relationship where she couldn't wait to fix me. There was always an undertone of 'I know better than you and I am here to teach you.' I am not allowed to feel what I feel.  I don't even treat my kids that way.  I have a relationship of equality with them.

Lots of changes are happening, mainly because I am dropping my patterns.  You can't be afraid to be alone, you can't be afraid of death and you can't have survival fears.  Than you can truly be a free expression of who you really are.

Disclaimer: This is just an opinion.  Tomorrow will be different.

There is nothing concrete, everything is always changing.  I really don't know anything except feel like shit.  If this journey could be figured out we would have done that a long time ago.  I feel a void and emptiness around everything.  It feels like I am falling off a cliff.