Meltdowns are breakthroughs

My son's truck, my present home

I don't know how much more I can take.  I have one meltdown after another.  Meltdowns are breakthroughs.  I would like this experience to end, but it's accomplishing what it's supposed to, breaking me of my patterns and judgments and mental ideas of how life should look like.  I don't get to decide what experiences come my way.

I have been ill for 3 days contemplating whether I should check myself into the emergency room.  But I don't have health insurance.  I waited it out and I am getting better.  When you feel good things always look better.

Years ago I saw a movie based on true events, 'Anything to Survive' about 2 teenage girls surviving the harsh Alaskan winter for 2 months without food and shelter.  I have food and shelter. 

Our bodies are capable of so much more.  Domestication destroys our resilience.  My life is being simplified even more.

When you can't go on, that's where you decided to stop.
 

The new order, the feminine

There is a road we must travel alone because we are not a copy of anyone.  We are the original.

This is my time to do things on my own again.  Sleeping in the truck is quite comfortable.  During the day I explore the city, always finding something new to do.

We are anchoring the feminine, the inactive, the inner world, a new order in which life is taking place.

Swirling Molecules

I am living in the truck, a.k.a. city camping.  This is the perfect place right now, a place between, where I am not being pulled into other people's illusions.  I watch the sun rise, listen to nature, watch birds soar, and the city beneath, a place to unwind and get ready for the next BIG thing.  I am being changed to allow something new.

Energy comes before matter.  The only preparation I ever need is at the level of energy.  When that is taken care of the physical will fall into place effortlessly.

When you are in the present moment it doesn't matter what your surroundings look like because you are not addicted to having things a certain way.  You simply know that everything is in perfect and divine order.

Always perceive that you have a choice and never make it, that's the present.

We are made up of swirling molecules.  An inflexible person puts their molecules together the same way they were the moment before because change is too much for them to handle.  Their band width is very small.  As the sample rate increases they are able to perceive more and be more alive.

Whenever the molecules swirl around it confuses the mind because the mind doesn't have any matter to hold on to.  That's when the mind freaks out.  To the mind reality looks like an out of control chaotic mess.  The ever endless swirling molecules are always being put together the way they are supposed to.

On my own

I have been staying in my sons hospital room over night.  He is getting discharged on Wednesday but has to come back in a few weeks to have his skull bones put back in.

He is going to live with his dad and I don't know where I am going.  I don't like it at all, but I have to accept what the universe has for us.  

I have been experiencing deep sadness.  The old is dying and I am glad, but does it have to be so painful?  I have nothing to go by other than my internal compass.  Everyone around me is living in the old world.  I am transmuting so many survival issues.  I don't blame them for wanting to live in the matrix.  At least they are not tormented as I am.  They have something they can count on.

I may have to spend Christmas the traditional way.  There was no room at the inn and Jesus was born in a stable.  I may end up living in my son's truck.  It seems that the universe has forsaken me.  I have always kept my chin up but lately my heart has been heavy.

This morning I felt my body being taken apart at the molecular level over and over again feeling the swirling energies and then being put back together. 

Flexibility

I am back to sleeping in the Truck  I didn't want to stay at the Hospitality House any longer and the universe removed me immediately.  I enjoyed staying there, but it was time for a change.  My inner compass already knew that my time there was up and started to pack my things automatically.  My mind had no clue what was going on and so I observed what my body was doing.  The body always knows what's next.

The nurses and doctors want to know where we are going to live once my son gets released from the hospital.  I don't know because at this moment I am fully here.  I don't split myself.  When you split an atom you get the atomic bomb and when you split a human you get a splitting headache, schizophrenia, dysfunction and insanity among other things.  

The body can do anything.  It's the conditioned mind that holds us back.  The more input we can receive from the universe the more flexible we are and the faster life moves.  The mind isn't going to safe us, flexibility will.

To become flexible my foundation keeps being shaken to the core.  It's all about letting go.  I will continue going through hell until I have let go of everything and see everything as neutral.  Letting go looks like I am losing everything.  When illusions fall away its very painful for a moment.

My son is trying to find a solution to our 'dilemma'.  He is not there yet to wait for what shows up naturally.  No solutions can come from the mind because life is too complex for the mind to handle.  Life is complex, not difficult. 

The universe will not give us things that reinforce our illusions.  When I am emotionally ready for the next step it shows up.  There is always so much that I have to release before I can accept what shows up because the universe never gives me what I want.  If I get what I want I will go deeper into the illusion.

You don't need money. You need sanity.

Contrasting energies are showing up.  For every high there is an equal low.  I have been experiencing some form of insanity every other day.  It's part of the awakening.  You will lose your mind.  What makes you insane also makes you sane.

You don't need money.  You need sanity, which exists in the present moment only. The mind has a story for why the present moment shouldn't be the way it is, why the present moment needs to be meddled with.

The ego doesn't see the perfect order of things.  The ego is the only requirement to destroy everything.  That's why advancements in medicine cannot be made.  The ego in a fully functioning body that never gets sick, old or weak would be disastrous.  Being feeble keeps the ego in check.

My friend died of impatience.  She didn't wait for what shows up naturally.  Instead of listening to her body she listened to her mind and had the bone marrow transplant because she wanted to go back to her former active life.  We can't go back to the patriarchal way of living.  It is not who we are.

In the new energy everything is free.  We don't need to work for things, nor be deserving or worthy of them.  We can't have any judgment about how things come into our life.  I have to accept what shows up and the way it shows up.  If there is shame in receiving handouts, it has to be transmuted.  We have to be neutral about everything.  The mind can't have any stories, it's all made up.

That which is observed changes

Ever since my son came out of the coma he has been recovering incredibly fast.  I can feel the energies rearranging themselves and when I see him there is always something new that has developed with him.  All I ever do is observe.  I don't meddle, I don't plan, I don't have an agenda, I stay neutral.

I slept in the truck for 11 nights and today I was given a free room at the hospitality house for the next 7 days.  Groups come to the hospitality house to cook for the residents.  The pantry and refrigerators are always stocked.  The air at the hospital is very dry and regular water does not quench my thirst.  There is a store nearby that sells alkaline water that keeps me hydrated.  I have joint pain off and on.   Again, I am observing it, not trying to do anything about it.  This too is in perfect order.

Everything is provided for.  All I do is step into that space.  Presence does not exert energy.  That's how I was able to deal with everything that happened during the month of November.  My dad died, my best friend died, my son was in an accident and almost died, his dad had 3 surgeries and would have died had he not already been at the hospital; and I had to pack up the house and move the stuff to a temporary place.   Never once did I have a 'to do' list.  I make sure I always breathe fully and relax into my body, never using my mind to figure things out.