How did
I not see this coming? I haven’t gone
deep enough. No external source is going
to save me. Not one of my thoughts is
going to lift me out of this descent. Nothing
works, nothing can remove my agony. There
are no options left except to sit it out and wait for it to turn on its
own. Even then, will it only be a
short-lived relief before I have to descend further into my soul.
God’s
hand isn’t going to show me any mercy by picking me up out of this anguish before
it’s time. I am not struggling against
it nor resisting it. I don’t have the
strength to escape nor run from it. I abide
in this condition and accept my predicament.
All my studies have become
futile, none of them can help me now.
When will
this fearful sense of self fall away? When
will I experience bliss for longer than a few moments? This
is what it takes to dissolve my ego and personality. In order to go on I must go through this. This is not the first time I have faced the
dark night of the soul.
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