How did I not see this coming? I haven’t gone deep enough. No external source is going to save me. Not one of my thoughts is going to lift me out of this descent. Nothing works, nothing can remove my agony. There are no options left except to sit it out and wait for it to turn on its own. Even then, will it only be a short-lived relief before I have to descend further into my soul.
God’s hand isn’t going to show me any mercy by picking me up out of this anguish before it’s time. I am not struggling against it nor resisting it. I don’t have the strength to escape nor run from it. I abide in this condition and accept my predicament. All my studies have become futile, none of them can help me now.
When will this fearful sense of self fall away? When will I experience bliss for longer than a few moments? This is what it takes to dissolve my ego and personality. In order to go on I must go through this. This is not the first time I have faced the dark night of the soul.