The road to freedom

You cannot not do what you are doing.  Try not doing what you are doing.  Now you can stop beating yourself up that you should have done something differently.

You never deeply relax into your body because you think if you don't do something you are going to be stuck or worse you are going to lose everything.  And you will lose everything that isn't you.

I always have the right amount of money.  The mind thinks it's never enough.  I find it's always plenty.  Living on the edge that isn't there.  If you fall off the edge you fall into possibilities.  The center poses as the false security.  Staying in the center keeps you 'stuck', which is also an illusion.

No place has more possibility than any other place.

Jumping into the unknown empty-handed.  Everything that's known is illusion, a memory of something that was true once.  There is no repetition in the universe.  We are new each moment but people don't notice it.  Every time we do the same task, its never the same task.

Congruence makes for a friendly universe, when what I think is going on matches what's really going on.

Preferences keep me stuck.  I can't prefer one thing over another.  I have to love everything equally, otherwise I will avoid the downside. The way to move through unpleasantness is to feel it fully.  I have been dealing with full-blown rage in the privacy of my home and I welcome it.  When I go out in public I no longer apologize for my existence.  The truer me is coming out.  And now I notice the hidden rage in people.  Because its taken care off in me it doesn't scare me in others nor can they bring it out in me.

If you know what's going to happen next, its illusion.   People are afraid to wait for what shows up naturally so they grab what they know so that they can feel 'safe'.  Repetitious thinking.  Every thought is a distortion.  Thoughts don't match reality.   The mind is quite disagreeable.  I do something and the mind says: "You should be doing something else."  Or somebody says something and immediately advice is given.  The mind is a stimulus response machine.  I am being liberated from my thinking by getting smaller, by living at the level of atoms.  Only what exists right now in this moment.  Nothing else is real.  There is nothing I need to do today.  To the mind this is absurd:  how am I going to survive?  For many years I asked myself this question: 'How am I going to provide for myself by Being?'  The universe does all the providing.

I have no control over my attention and I wouldn't want to.  I would lose the wisdom of my attention.  I can't be trusted with important things.  The purpose of attention is to make everything irrelevant that gets into it.  We think what gets into our attention is important.  We have it backwards. Making what's in our attention relevant makes for a very small world. 

I have become vast by releasing everything that shows up in my attention.  I am lighter.  Anything I hold on to weighs me down. Holding on requires effort, which I no longer have.  I move into myself first and relax, because there is no out there out there.

When things get tough, always perceive you have a choice and never take it, that's the present.  This is a seemingly cruel process but I find I am being liberated from my own little hell.

Being in the body is imperative.

My son is on the road weeks on end.  He came home for 3 days, which were amazing.

After he left I was sitting in the energy he left behind, unable to think, not wanting to think, moving deeper into myself.

My mind doesn’t know where to go and there is so much to feel.  Old pathways are closed off.  I have to be extra gentle with myself, not doing anything until any doing arises on its own.

I will sit in this massive, massive energy of doing absolutely nothing. My mind isn’t going to direct me into anything. Being in the body is imperative.  The body is the map.  You can't trust the mind, but you can trust the body.  Relax into the body.

This is something the mind will fight, it doesn’t want stillness, it will fight inactivity.  There are no voices condemning me, no approval seeking.  I am ok with nothing. The peer pressure of society can no longer reach me.  I am coming into my own.

Still in training.

This is a process that cannot be understood by the mind.

The people that left my life, many of them are back.  The only place I ever go is back to where I started.  Every time I think I am leaving I am being thrown back into the same old, same old, however, I am no longer the same old, same old.

I need a lot more stimulation.  My energy is like a cyclone.  I no longer vibrate at the same level as the people I know.  They take forever to say something and I interrupt them.  I am not waiting for them to be done with their lengthy stories.  It's like I am a butterfly and they are the slow caterpillar.

Being around the same old, same old is a point of calibration.  I get to see how much I have changed.  I know I can trust the process and there is never a mistake, that my experiences have been carefully selected, that being here is still beneficial. 

I am so bored, I am getting real.  I used to sensor everything I said and did.  Now its like, who the fuck cares.  Its time to play differently.  The only thing that ever changes is me.  The world around me keeps staying the same, but my responses are new.

This reminds me on ground hog day.  He keeps repeating the same day.  My mind is going crazy if I would have to repeat and be stuck in this place, that's why I am finding new ways to be, by being authentic.  The inner has to change first before the outer changes. If the outer changes first, the inner wouldn't change.

I am still having my training wheels on.

I am disappearing into another world

Yesterday everything left.  It felt like the old was gone for good, a massive ending.  The tide went out, receding.

And today the tide came in with a vengeance.  Such a difference in energy.  Turmoil and chaos.

The moment I think I have it figured out it gets scrambled up again. I don't know what to do with it nor what it is about.  I never felt like this before.

The image I am getting is I am standing at the ocean, alone, and the water is moving and turning and I am being swallowed up into another world.  This is the strangest ever.