The dismantling process is over. It’s getting easier. I look back and I laugh. Why was I so afraid throughout this entire
journey. It was only shadows. Now that the light is shining on it I see
that there is nothing to be scared off.
I flow faster. As
soon as I am done with one experience the next shows up. I do less, yet each experience shows me more
because my capacity to feel sensations has increased. It is essential not to live from the mind. My mind is not leading. I
still go very, very deep into the abyss.
But those times don’t last as long and the upside is so wonderful. I don’t exactly welcome the downside, but that’s
where I need to go to get me higher. It’s
like a catapult. I go inside first and
than I soar without effort. If you want
to stand tall, slouch first and it’s easier to stand up straight. It’s the total relaxing and resting into the
present that escalate me to higher highs.
Rage is still there, but it’s short-lived, and I am not
afraid of it. An incredible sweetness is
showing up on the other side. I am not
as frozen with emotion. Still defrosting,
I am shown truth that I would not have been able to bear in the past. Letting go of attachments isn’t easy. Truth is heresy.
I never know how I show up.
My ego and patterns have held me back.
They cost me everything. It’s a
constant letting go and dying often. I
am used to it now. I don’t get to hold
onto anything. I don’t know who I Am. When I am certain of something it changes. The emptier I am the more I am filled with
joy. There is a dance between heaven and hell, the
contrast between soaring high and getting smashed against the cliff. Each moment comes to life and dies, never to
return.
That’s where I am now, still in transition of letting go of
deeper illusions. Steve Davis who wrote “Butterflies
are free to fly” lives in constant joy.
I am not there yet. I am
following his model until it’s being replaced with something else. I am experiencing more joy than ever. The lengthy, gut wrenching, not having a clue
what’s going on, is OVER.
Last year I thought my life was over. I now see so many possibilities, but only if
I let go of carrying it. There is enough light in me where everything is making
sense. I only have energy for the things
I am supposed to do. I get stressed quickly
when my patterns want to take over. Planning,
arranging, thinking, figuring things out, drain me instantaneously and make me
sick. I have become so light that I can’t
hold onto anything, not even thoughts. I
still have them, but they are just clouds, coming and going.
I still don’t have any income. My 21-year old son is providing for me. Something I have been battling with for a
long time. It won’t change until I fully
accept it, and than it won’t matter. I
let go of the attachments to my kids and it has brought us closer. I stopped
trying to change things. They change
through me observing what they bring out in me.
I feel more and deeper.
I am very homesick to visit Germany this year. We don’t have the money to go. It’s never about the finances. It’s about letting go of my patterns, not
carrying anything, and not letting my mind override the wisdom that runs my
life. The logistics are always taken
care off. They are none of my
concern. All I have to do is show up and
play. It takes nerves to live that way. Believing is seeing.
I am not a victim of the outside world. There is no out there out there. My neighbors
are asses sometimes but they have no choice.
They are following a script for me. Anything that gets my goat gets delivered
until it no longer matters. That’s the journey
to freedom. When my internal world
changes the outer world follows suit. Sometimes
I wished I had money so I could run away to a better place but it wouldn’t be
better because I would still be the same.
This place has the perfect arrangement for me to face everything right
here, right now.
