Opposites

Whenever something wants to come into my life I have to also energetically experience the opposite.  Its not about letting go but about giving everything up completely and than watching what shows up naturally.  

You cannot have one without the other.  People avoid the downside but you cannot have the upside without going down, down, down into the pits of hell.  Following the universe is a maddening walk through hell because you are not getting to keep any illusions.  All of that has to leave our existence. 

I spent the last few days experiencing the downside.  With experiencing I don't mean going through it physically but feeling the vibrations of the downside.  It feels as if its real.  I had to experience the vibrations of loneliness, homelessness, being destitute, not belonging anywhere, being poor; giving up my children as if I will never see them again, the same way Abraham was to sacrifice his son, every illusion that connects us has to leave, I belief its an ongoing thing with my children.  There can't be any emotional attachment with them nor neediness.  

I had to go that low because the residues of those vibrations in my cellular structure are there and to transmute them I had to feel them.

I lost my marbles

I lost my marbles

I got blown up pretty good, its not time for a landing yet.

My mind is sorting through heaps of clutter, so much showing up.  I don't know who I am, what's real.  At times it hurts a lot.  I want the pain to stop, but I'll keep going.  I am getting rid of illusion.  When I come out of this I'll be a new person.

Later that day:

I worked through all my baggage, the pain was horrendous.  Now the upside is showing up and its just as high as the downside was low.  I stayed with the pain and watched it turn on its own.  You can only go as high as you can go low.

At last I figured out what it means to let go.  You let go of the baggage, not the person.  When the baggage is gone you can finally have a relationship with that person.

Waking Up

Being able to live in the moment without a past, without a future, without an agenda.   And the mind will do what it does best, fill in the unknown with its own horror stories so that you will go back to the mind and make it your master again.

Planning takes you away from reality.  You put something there because you don’t trust that what shows up naturally is what you really need, is what gives you life.  Reality never makes you leave yourself.  Reality is always kinder than anything you could put there.  Reality carries itself.   When it requires maintenance it is illusion.  Stillness will support you.

The mind screams, 'give me something familiar.'  Soul says, 'you have already done that, lets do something new.'

Oh, why did I sign up for this?  Illusion wasn't so bad when I was asleep.  Why does waking up have to be so cruel?  Because it creates depth.  The upside can only be as high as the downside is low.