All effort is ignorance.

Vortex

Nothing is getting done and things are slipping away.  And that's the way its supposed to be.

I am trying to focus, but I can't.  Nothing sticks.  I can't hold on to who I think I am, the energy is moving so fast spinning my patterns out of me.

I am in the falling away stage, the false is being removed.  When I come out of it I will be lighter.  Right now its exhausting going through that vortex.

Only the false can fall away.  In the past I was afraid to fall apart because to the mind it looks like I wouldn't be able to function in the world anymore.  Now I welcome it because whatever isn't me is being removed.  My shadow is disappearing.  Existence takes care of me.

Anything false needs continuous holding together and it doesn't support me, I have to support it.  Presence does not exert energy.  Nothing in my life should use up my energy.  Anything that needs my energy is not who I am.  That's where I have given power away.

In the beginning of the journey the shadows were terrifying, eventually they became smaller until I realized they aren't real.

It takes too much effort maintaining the person I am not.

The dreamer coming out of hiding

It seems the light is here to stay.  The light has always been here, but instead of light being reflected back to me, there was only darkness, insanity, hatred, terror, death and destruction staring into my face, scary shadows that weren't real.

I am still descending, but there are no monsters. Now its mainly about letting go of my patterns so that my responses can come from emptiness rather than conditioning.  The body is extremely efficient when the mind isn't interfering.  The abyss is gone, it was never there to begin with.  The cliffs have vanished.

Life has turned around.  I feel more, deeper, wider, louder, expanding, amplified.  The tiniest things transform me.  I heard a bird sing and my body almost burst.  I am filled up, overflowing.

The outer world isn't real, my inner world is real.  The outer world hasn't changed, but now I have a different response to it.  Illusion requires maintenance.  There is nothing I have to maintain.

Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move. ~Rumi

Coming out of the darkness

This is the third day of me feeling really good.  In recent weeks I felt great for only a moment and than went back into the never-ending darkness.  Maybe I am done transmuting old energies.  There has to be an end to this.

This morning I woke up being told:  Only do what you really enjoy.

My body will react immediately with pain when I try to do something I should not be doing because my patterns want to override my body's wisdom.

I was thinking of picking up the trash that's been blown around the yard.  The very moment I had that thought I felt a sharp pain in my right foot and had to wait for it to stop.

That trash is none of my business, but my patterned mind will make everything my business.  Whatever I look at, my mind will make up a story and go off spinning out illusion at mammoth proportion.

I may still pick up some trash, but it won't be pre-meditated.  I will just observe my body picking something up.

I have to let the world turn without my help.

According to quantum physics, everything is a wave until observed.  Nothing exists until I look at it.  I was looking at the daffodils in the snow from my upstairs apartment, but I couldn't fully enjoy them because I remembered the trash in the yard, even so I didn't see it.

This looks like a trivial thing, but it isn't.  Carrying all these things in the mind is baggage.  People respond to the reality they hold in their heads, not what's really going on.  There is no out there out there.  Light doesn't even carry a speck of dust.  Yet humans carry everything, shopping lists, to do lists, what they want to do next, what they have done years ago, it's a huge, huge list of the mind being filled with things that exist in the mind only.  My body will take me to wherever I need to go to get whatever I need to get.  It has never failed me.  That's why I can always be at rest.

I can only do what I do, anything else is a figment of the mind.  I was looking at an almost empty bottle of water and thought that I need to buy some more.  Already my patterned mind had an agenda.  I couldn't just look at that bottle, my mind had to make up a story.  I will either buy more water or I won't.

Stimulus is everywhere, its a hook for the mind.

I have conquered the big things, like survival fear.  Now I am becoming aware of the little things that fill my mind unnecessarily.

The cliffs and more emptiness

Today is the equinox and I feel deader and emptier than ever.

The last few month, everything has ended.  We are done with it. 

Today feels new.  I have no idea whats going to happen.  The mind wants to fill in the blanks, but none of what my mind comes up with will happen.

I feel empty.  There is nothing in front of me.  I am lost.  All the things we've gone through have ended.  I saw my reflection in a window today and I looked like a ghost.  I don't know where I belong nor what this is all about.  We went through so much and nothing materialized.

Quantum physics is helping me make sense of this process. Most people see the universe as solid, unaware that everything is a wave until observed.  The reason why I feel so empty and walking on a cliff all the time is because 99.99% is empty space and I am becoming aware of this.  My life is starting to mimic the universe.  There is nothing except this moment and I don't have to carry the next moment, trying to figure it out and plan it.

Chop wood, carry water. To be here in this present moment is scary because it is so empty.  The mind wants action and excitement and for things to happen.  But there is nothing happening.  At the smallest particle even a bill is made up of atoms and the mind has a story about those black squiggles on a piece of paper.  Its that interpretation that makes people unhappy.  You have to become smaller and see life at the level of atoms otherwise its too big to handle and you'll get lost in the story.  Its all made up.

The universe isn't letting me get away with insanity by making up more illusion.  To the world I look insane because I have literally nothing except this moment.

This morning I had the idea that I should start packing.  I bent over to pick something up and my back gave out.  The pain was my body's response to stop me.  Just because I don't fit here anymore doesn't mean that I am going to move.  But my mind had to fill in the blanks and came up with that solution.  I just can't see myself dying here any longer.  My mind wanted to override my body's wisdom by getting ready to pack, so my body stepped in and responded with pain.  Now I can't do a thing except wait.

No safety gear

The brain knows 6 seconds before I know what I am going to do because everything gets downloaded to the brain first from The Field and than is projected out there for me to interact with.

I as a conscious witness of my inner life am not making decisions.  I can only witness these decisions.  Something else is running my life and I have suspected that for a very long time.

What I want to do throughout the day is based on my patterns.  I am a creature of habit and these patterns are being interrupted more so every day.  I don't get to do what I want.   'Want' is based on conditioning.

 

Its a daily chiseling away of programming.  Whatever needs to get done will get done without any effort on my part.  People have opinions and no one I personally know is agreeing with my approach of doing nothing, which results in the friction I need to continue with my explorations.  I am always questioning everything.  Am I listening to them or am I following my gut, the unknown?

When you meet the Buddha, or whatever Guru, kill him and go further.  This is a journey where no one can help me.  I have dropped enough baggage and this process isn't scaring me nearly as much.  I feel lighter.

My son has been going through orientation with a trucking company for the past 3 weeks and will be gone probably for another week.  He has his own illusions.  People always want to solve problems that aren't there.  Instead of waiting for what shows up naturally he's already ahead of the game making plans.  He wants us to move to the cabin.  There is no running water nor electricity.  It would be living off-grid.

If I would act on people's illusions I would go crazy.  The body can't stand up and sit down at the same time, yet people are trying to do this all the time.  They are living their lives in their heads, which is totally incongruent.  The actions of the mind are based on what it knows and the actions of the body are based on what is needed.

My body is not preparing to move out to the cabin and I am not using my mind to force my body to pack up.  I listen to the wisdom of my body and neither my son, nor my mind, nor anyone else is going to override this.  I am relaxed in my body.

I trust my body and my body is always saying:  Do less.

People have stories about why they do what they do and these stories are totally unrelated.  Its all made up, yet they never notice.

My journey is a journey to sanity where the mind will never again rule.  Its a treacherous path and society has a required safety gear in the form of a big bank account, insurance, protection of all sorts.  I have none of that.  I am empty handed and I am facing all my fears.

The illusion of Money

Just yesterday I needed massive rest, and this morning it flipped.  My new life walked in, and its over my head.  How the fuck am I supposed to live it without the finances.  I don't even have enough to walk out the front door.

This is a hologram, and nothing is real.  The money is provided for every experience I am having. So, whatever awaits on the horizon will also bring in the money for it.

The opposite of everything is true.  There is no objective, independent reality "out there" and the experience I am processing isn't real.  Letting go of judgments, beliefs, opinions and fears; withdrawing, disconnecting, or switching off any power assigned to a person, place or thing within the hologram; that is my process.  That's why I have to leave my comfort zone to bust all these illusions.  That I need to earn money is the biggest illusion.

That's enough to pee in your pants.  I am going out into the world empty handed.  When you are ready things start moving very quickly.

The hardest part is to leave my kids.  They are 21 and 23, and they take care of themselves.  Still, its a lot to ask.  I have to do a bunch of releasing on that one.  That's the part I am not ready for.  And this too isn't real, but I give it so much power. 

All the things people are attached to, their photo albums, their memories, their friends, places, jobs, identities, things.  All of these are illusions.  We are inside a hologram.  Nothing is real.  It's just a wave until observed and than it turns into a particle.  Behind me nothing exists.  To my right nothing exists.  To my left nothing exists until I look at it.

There is a chapter on money in Butterflies are free to fly - Money.

A new stage of metamorphosis

I fell

I have been sick since Sunday, unable to sleep and eat, shivering.  This one is a doozie.  There isn't an ounce of energy left in me.

  

This is not an intellectual journey

We cling to our believes to give us the false sense of control and those believes keep us from living an expanded life.  We are capable of only repeating the same old, same old with nothing new coming in.

Take a fundamental Christian for instance.  Their believes keep them pinned in the corner while judging the rest of the world as evil.  Believes, judgments and opinions keep me stuck in illusion.

A year ago I was told to go into the unknown empty handed.  We moved to Lenoir while my son was recovering from his accident.  I thought that was it.  But now I find out that I haven't even scratched the surface of empty-handed.   The abyss that isn't there is getting scarier.  Why does illusion have such a grip?

The mind cannot understand this journey.  This is a journey of losing the mind.  The destruction of everything I have known.

I walked away

I walked away from a friendship.  If someone wants to constantly change me and see something wrong with what I do with my life than that's abuse.  I have no room for that.  Not accepting me and trying to push me along to fit into their illusion isn't working.  Life is an intricate paradox.  You can't tell someone how to live their life.

People see me as they are not as I am.  This was a parent-child relationship where she couldn't wait to fix me. There was always an undertone of 'I know better than you and I am here to teach you.' I am not allowed to feel what I feel.  I don't even treat my kids that way.  I have a relationship of equality with them.

Lots of changes are happening, mainly because I am dropping my patterns.  You can't be afraid to be alone, you can't be afraid of death and you can't have survival fears.  Than you can truly be a free expression of who you really are.

Disclaimer: This is just an opinion.  Tomorrow will be different.

There is nothing concrete, everything is always changing.  I really don't know anything except feel like shit.  If this journey could be figured out we would have done that a long time ago.  I feel a void and emptiness around everything.  It feels like I am falling off a cliff.

What is illusion?

The higher you go the more you see

Everything contradicts each other.  Truth exists for only a moment and than its gone, it vanishes like a rainbow as you get closer to it the rainbow disappears. If you are far away rainbows are, but if you come nearer they dissolve.  In this world of illusion nothing is certain.

The western interpretation for illusion is ‘unreal,’ which isn’t right.  Shankara says with senses there is no possibility to know whether the thing confronting you is real or unreal.  Illusion means an impossibility to decide whether it is real or unreal.

Everything is just an interpretation of something.  That’s why I make up several contradictory reasons so that I am not stuck in my narrow view and I expand into multidimensionality. Every truth has several contradictory aspects. 

This whole world is confusion, always escaping, always turning into something else.  If you try to understand this illusion, your very effort will confuse you more. Nothing is certain; everything is uncertain; a flux of change, with no possibility to decide whether this or that is true or false. When you see that everything which cannot be decided is illusory, you will automatically turn to yourself. The only point where you can have a center is in your own being. That is certain.

For me the outer world is falling away.  It has no ground, no grip.  I am trusting my inner world.

People build illusion like crazy and when I come in contact with them they whip me with those illusions, trying to get me to join them.  I can’t.  Light carries nothing, not even a speck of dust.  I am dropping illusion like crazy, becoming light-er.

There are always millions of things to do, the chores of the day, which can keep you endlessly busy.   I can no longer do the things I used to do.  My life is so much simpler.  The mind can't understand how things get done if you don't think about them.  They do get done because the body knows what to do.  The body is in tune with reality while the mind is not.  The body flows with reality while the mind constantly tries to talk you out of it.  The mind is programmed not to accept what is.

The child doesn't worry and stays in the moment effortlessly.  Unless you become as a child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Life takes place effortlessly.  Its a matter of trust and not meddling, wanting things your own way.

29 years ago I got married without lifting a finger.  It was a large wedding.  I even moved out into the country for 2 months before the wedding without a phone so that I couldn't be reached.  People put so much effort into planning every detail when in fact it has already all been taken care off. All I had to do is show up.  The universe, God, or whatever you want to call it does all the planning down to the smallest detail. Every person knew what to do.  My new sister-in-law remarked on how calm and collected I was. 

I am shown what I am supposed to do and so is everyone else.  I don't have to convince anyone or manipulate them into doing something for me.  In fact if I bring it up they will resist.  It has to look as if its coming from them, that they came up with the idea. And that's how the universal law works.  Everything gets downloaded into the brain for us to act on it.  

This is my experience and that's why I can go deeper and let go.  My mind isn't torturing me trying to understand how anything can get done without planning it first.

When I moved to the US I had 100 pounds of luggage. It was 6:55 AM when I left the house.  With every step the luggage got heavier as I walked to the train station.  I wanted to leave some of it by the road side, that's where I saw a taxi at the gas station.  I walked up to him and asked if he could give me a ride to the train station.  He wanted to know where I was going.  I said to Frankfurt to catch a plane.  He said that he is from Frankfurt and that he miscalculated the fare for the passenger he dropped off in my town and he was waiting for the gas station to open.  He took me to Frankfurt, a 4-hour drive for the price of the train ticket, which was about $11.00.  I could not have planned this better myself. 

Moving vertically

I moved vertically and when that happens I can't do anything in the physical because all my energy is wrapped up in that vertical move.

Moving vertical is the feminine energy, moving horizontal is the masculine energy.

I've gone so deep that I am totally wiped out.  It also makes it harder for me to go back into my mind so that I can be much gentler with myself and to just Be.

The mind is a brutal place, full of illusion and hanging on to the past trying to recreate the same old. 

This vertical move needed to be balanced and grounded so that I won't go off the deep end and not return to earth for many years.  And so I drove 10 hours to Atlanta and back.  And now I can't go back to the way I was, yet I am grounded.

When I have outgrown my current space I either move vertically, deeper into myself, or horizontally, which is a physical move to a new location or a new physical activity shows up.  That's why I thought I would be moving away from here because I was so done.  But now with this vertical move its impossible for me to move away because I don't have the strength for it.  I need massive rest and massive gentleness.  There seems to be some life coming back to me.

 

What's the point?

Too late to walk away

All these pointers and tools and great writings are here to keep us from feeling, are here to help us figure things out.  This is beyond figuring things out.  This is about feeling.

I feel like shit.

Follow your heart, follow your bliss.  WTF is that?

I have studied it all, Zen, Buddhism, religion, poets, philosophers, quantum physics, the laws of the universe.  I am studied out.  Nothing has given me any relief from feeling like shit most the time.

As a species we don't make sense.  So much suffering isn't logical.

The happiest people I know are living in illusion.  I could have stayed there.

Who am I without illusions

When illusion disappears you better be prepared to feel insane because there is nothing recognizable left in life.  I don't know where I belong nor who I am and if there is even a place for me.

Being in the present moment is easier said than done.

The past and future are illusions.  The inner world is more real than the outer world.  The outer world cannot be trusted and is therefore not my guide.  Don't look outside for what is real but look within.

This week has been a very powerful week for change.  I am not the person I was at the beginning of the week.  All the fabrications in my head about my future were mere hallucinations.  And I am finally grasping this.  I dropped so much illusion this week that my head is spinning.

I wanted to be with my twin, it gave me something to dream about, but that is now gone too.  No crutches allowed.

The emptiness and stillness from which everything is born has brought out deeper emotions.  I can't hide nor push anything under the rug.  The raw me is emerging.

With illusions I am insane.  Without illusions I am sane.  However, it feels transposed.  Illusions make me appear sane.

Enjoy your illusions while you can.

Dead men's land

The grim reaper is at it again.  How many times do I have to die and get carried off?

You don't give the button of the atomic bomb to a kid to play with.  I see that I am still a kid, not mature enough to handle the full effects of the new energies.  That's why I am not moving forward.  I am stuck in this dead man's land with stops and goes.  

Something starts and suddenly it fizzles, dead in its tracks, never to be picked up again, and than something new shows up and that too disappears.

It takes maturity to live in the new.  No ordinary person can handle these energies.

Divine feminine and divine masculine

I got my groove back even if just for an hour while driving.  Its the only time I feel fast, furious and alive.  I am a German driver on American roads, used to going at least 110 mph.  I get noticed.  I have to get this deadness out somehow besides listening to loud music.

I woke up angry at myself for being so stupid allowing society to turn me into a piece of shit, a non-existing servant.  When the light gets turned on its hard to turn it off.  I saw clearly where women stand in society.

I didn't want to stand up to my bullying husband (now divorced for 8 years).  It was too hard and too scary.  Grown men confessed that they are afraid of him.  Imagine me having to live with him when the least bit sets him off.  The way he sees women is that they are here to serve him.  Had I given him gold it would still not be enough.  To him I wasn't deserving, therefore he didn't support me financially while I was raising the kids.  He wanted me to go to work, do all the housework, take care of the kids while he was spending all the money on himself.  The moment I had even a penny he wanted it.  To him I didn't exist, so I had to birth myself into existence.

I realize my ex played that role so that I would see where I have given my power away.  And I thank him for that.

For many my life looks problematic.  They expect me to work and do something for society.  I am not DOING SHIT!!

I don't know who the divine feminine is and I won't let others define it for me.  I have to find out for myself.  I am looking forward to a healthy relationship.  This has been hard on men too and I want to know what the divine masculine is.

"For thousands of years what men has done to women is simply monstrous. She cannot think of herself as equal as man. And she has been conditioned so deeply that even if you say she is equal, she is not going to believe it. It has become almost her mind, the conditioning has become her mind, that she is less in everything. And the man who has reduced the women to such a state also cannot love her. LOVE CAN EXIST ONLY IN EQUALITY."  ~Osho.

It says 'men has' not 'men have', just pointing that out, so easy to miss.

Sadly, to be equal, women have become men.  Society is cruel.  To be vulnerable is to be strong.  I can only be as strong as I am weak.

Relax

Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax.  If you relax, it comes.  If you relax, it is there.  If you relax, you start vibrating with it.    ~Osho

This is all about Letting Go

My sons truck has been in the shop for 2 months. It's fixed, but the mechanic moved it to another shop and won't tell us where it is and he won't return our calls.  I want to go to his place with the police but that's not what I am supposed to do.  I am supposed to let it go.  My son is quite calm about it.  I am learning something from him and I have to butt out.

There are so many things I haven't let go off, and its the little things, the ones that are so hard to identify.  They are shown to me now and it feels like death.   This is clean-up time.

I don't want to feel weak or give up more control.  But that's what I am being asked again.  I am going deeper into nothingness.  

Yesterday I felt that my life has ended.  It was a horrifying feeling.

After the grim reaper life has to return.

This place no longer fits me

Has my ship come in?

My neighbor was hauled off in the ambulance to the hospital, she broke her ankle in 4 places.  That's when I realized that I couldn't take it anymore.  The slamming of doors starts at 4 in the morning.  She has a very loud voice and shouts incessantly.  She is one in 10 children and not used to quietness and her dad is hard of hearing.

My body followed suit by throwing up.  I hardly get sick.  When I've had enough I've had enough and there is no more taking any of this.  

A new space arrived.  My son will be going to New Jersey for a week to help his friend with a job.  He also received a call from a trucking company to start a 2-week orientation in Georgia which will decide if he gets hired.

Massive changes are coming our way.  I have outgrown this place and its no longer a fit.  The workings behind the scenes are so deep.  I will have 3 weeks to acclimate to whatever is going to show up.  I feel its going to go very quickly.

Further

I am being emptied out further.  Is that even possible?  Emptiness is the only door to myself.

 

For the first time I am relaxing into my being and follow my essential core.

The paradox is that when I am utterly empty I am also utterly full. Only when all the junk is removed from me can I be full of myself.

My broken heart

I can't function anymore.  I've been removed from anything that is remotely alive.  Deep depression has set in.  I don't understand any of this. 

At least I have 2 kids that keep me going.

I am standing at my own grave.  How much more dying before life comes back to me?