Abandonment

There is only inward movement.   The patriarchal mind teaches us to move outward, forward, reach for something outside ourselves and abandon ourselves.  

Whatever shows up should not cause us to abandon ourselves but move us inward towards ourselves. 

We were forced to abandon ourselves at an early age, to not trust our instincts but belief whatever the mind concocts. 

You move outward because your personality wants to stay in control, which is an illusion.   

I am learning to trust my body without the involvement of my mind.  The body knows everything there is to know.   I don't use my mind to prepare for anything.  

The fight and flight era is over.   We can now go home into our bodies where it's safe.   When there is danger our bodies alert us, but the mind always talks us out of it.  

I have heard of women who were kidnapped, each one was given warning signs but they didn't listen.   One woman was approached by a stranger in the parking lot wanting to know the time.  Her body told her to run.   She didn't run but let her mind talk her out of it: 'Oh, he just wants to know the time.'   She second guessed herself and was kidnapped.  

The body is always right, the mind often overrides it.

Kids have incredible instincts but their parents will rob them of it.

Without the mind life is easy. 

Any action should come from the body and not from the mind.  Actions coming from the mind require effort and limit your breathing.  Actions coming from the body are effortless and will not compromise your breathing. 

The raging storm inside

Do you know how horrible it is to be taught to never express yourself, to always have decorous social behavior and than on your way to wholeness you have to deal with this immense rage that is hidden away.

Over the years I have dealt with anger, but never like this.   I want to destroy everything in my path.   I hate it, but it has to come out.

I don't act on it when people are around.   I have been throwing things against the walls.   This place looks like a disaster zone anyway. 

There is a hurricane raging in me and I feel badly about it because we are not supposed to get angry.   When this is over I will be a freer person, I may even look different and certainly act different.   I will be more available to myself and others.

I know one thing for sure, I can never again wear the social mask that has been forced upon us.

It feels uncomfortable going through this transition to the true me.   Coming out of hiding is uncomfortable.

Doing what you love

Being in the moment is overrated.  People think they can keep their patterns while being present with what they are doing.

Being in the moment doing what you love, that's not how it goes.   Doing what you love belongs to the personality.   To enter the present moment you will go mad because the personality is in the way of being present.   The personality has to die before you can enter the present moment because the present moment is not tainted, it's not a repeat of previous moments.  Thus the experience of madness, because the old doesn't want to die.

I have been raging against the universe.  I can take no more.  I need a physical change, away from here.  The lease is out in less than 4 weeks.  I don't know what's going to show up and how it's going to show up.

Your mind is using you



The density of your thinking not only slows you down but has you living in a frozen world that exists in your mind only.  You attend to each thought as if it's real when in fact it's all illusion.  When the density of your mind lightens up you will notice the flexibility of life.

Flexibility is a blessing and a curse.  Things speed up energetically while slowing down physically.  You always have to wait for what shows up naturally instead of acting on it with your patterned responses.  No patterns allowed.     

In each moment the universe is always right.  The divine doesn't ask us for our opinion nor do we have free will.   Only the personality needs the illusion of free will and choice.  No one is getting out of this alive.  Our personalities are dying.  Not understanding this makes this transition especially difficult. 

People hang on to their false identifications and you can't tell them that this isn't who they really are.   Setting humanity free is an almost impossible job.  People live in their own captivity, yet their minds won't let them see this.  Everything they know and do is to keep the personality alive.

Chaos

The universe is massive  chaos.  The mind wants order.  That's where the conflict is.  The mind can't deal with chaos.  That's why you need your body to do the work.  The body knows everything, the mind knows nothing.  Let your body carry what your mind can't.

One of our roommates died 2 days ago of drug overdose.  That's why I felt so horrible the day before.  My body was preparing me to deal with the sheriff, the ambulance, the parents and everyone else involved in this.

When I feel horrible I feel the emotion I am having to the end degree.  I go all the way down with it until it turns on its own and than I rise effortlessly to the top. 

If I interrupt it on the way down than I can only go up as high as I went low.  But when I go to the bottom of the low I will rise to the top of the high.  

If I interrupt my emotional down spiral than there are still blocks that haven't been touched; and I need to touch every blackness there is, root it out of my system so that there aren't any blocks.  Any darkness left is a block that will get me later.  

I do a clean sweep by not interrupting the emotions I am having.  When I allow it to turn on its own the upside will show up effortlessly, like being carried up in an elevator.

People interrupt their emotional down spiral with drugs, alcohol, activities, etc. because they think there is something wrong with them, that they need to feel up all the time.  You can't have one without the other.  Get used to the hellish downside.

Solutions

I feel horrible.   It's one of those things that can't be figured out.   I am allowing it knowing that tomorrow is another day.  

I don't understand anything and that's good.   Things don't work out the way I want them to, but they work out the way they must.

Problems are illusions.   If you try to solve them you make them real.   If you are looking for a solution you have accepted that there is a problem.

We are wild and free

The mind wants a structured life, the body wants freedom. 

The Law of Attraction will not get me more things.  I attract everything I judge and repel.  That alone is hell which I cannot escape, I have to face it.  Everything I hate comes to me to set me free.

We are wild and free.  Our social conditioning has domesticated us to where we hate our bodies.   We are forcing our bodies into an artificial life and glorifying that life, calling the rest of the world savages.

The ego is such a wonderful flatterer.  It will keep you blind about yourself.  It will not let you see your own dysfunction.

Our bodies hold the map out of the prison of the mind.  We can trust our bodies to show us the way, yet people rely on their minds.

Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing expecting different results. 

Reorganization

My threshold was too low to handle my life.  My system reorganized itself at a higher level.   The events in my life pushed me over the edge so that my old map of dealing with things could be replaced with a new map.  However, it didn't last long.  I am back to being pushed over the edge again.  This will continue at ever greater intervals.  In other words, my life sucks.

 Ilya Prigogine's theory on system reorganization explained.

Change in direction

The beauty of the body

I have entered new territory, something I don't know anything about.  

I don't belief that meditation results in calmness.  I belief you have to boil over before you can reach calmness.   People meditate but when meditation is over they are still the same asshole they were before.

How can you become still by sitting still and concentrate on your breath?  Where is the paradox in this?  All the shit that is in you has to come up before you can be still.

The universe is in charge of this evolutionary process and not the mind.   I am losing my mind.  I have to wait this out and see where this is going.  I am a fish out of water.

When people speak they are reporting on an illusion in their heads.

Because the universe moves at warp speed I say very little.  By the time I am done talking things will have changed zillions of times and I will have missed everything.  I am more in a state of observing what shows up energetically.  I rely on my body to give me accurate readings rather than on my mind which holds no truth.

Confinement

We had different people living with us for the past three months.   It has taken its toll on me.  I've been pushed over the edge.

The latest 18 year old guy moved in, than came his dog who I ended up taking care of because he won't, and now his girlfriend is also living here.  He takes the truck without permission and without having a driver's license, there are other things.  The old me would have shown them the door, enough is enough, but in the new energy I have to wait and see what the universe is trying to show me. 

I want to break out of this confinement.  This is bringing up a lot of stuff.

The universe loves speed

I thought the equinox would bring relief.  It didn't.   Everything is more chaotic, things happen quicker.

Last Monday we got another car.  Just as quickly as it came into our lives it was taken away after only 6  days.  Yesterday my son drove it to see his grandparents.  It broke down, something with the transmission.  It took 9 hours to get it back here.  I don't think it will get fixed.  The car served it's purpose, we no longer need it.   Something else will show up.

Things come and go so fast because I am now able to live at that speed.  I needed a car, it appeared,  now it's gone, apparently I don't need a car right now.  I think it's because I have to chill at home to get ready energetically for the move to wherever.

In the past 3 months people have moved in and out, some paying rent, others staying for free.  We now have 2 young guys and a dog staying with us.  Each one has their unique energetic imprints and I always have to adapt to them because they can't adapt to me.  They are frozen like the rest of the patriarchal mind population who can only perceive their little world that they were forced to create.  When I have gotten what I need they move out instantaneously without much ado and someone else takes their place.  The universe loves speed.

My capacity for life has increased through emotional releases of everything that is not my true Self.  It has and still is the cruelest journey of all.  Releasing fears, terror, insanity and limitations is as bad as it gets, but it also makes me a very strong person.  I would not be able to live like this if it weren't so.  I constantly have to adapt.

Sometimes I feel sick because of so much happening.  I get just enough time to stabilize before the next thing shows up and I never know what that might be, it's always a surprise.   This moment prepares me for the next.

Uncomfortable magic

Doing nothing is better than doing something.  Doing something requires undoing.  I do nothing and accomplish everything.

Living in the present moment takes nerves of steel.  You can't add anything to it.  If you add more or the wrong items to a recipe it will taste horrible.  And so it is with life, if you add something it will be horrible.

Life is changing to give us what we need and not what we want.  What we need is always the super perfect expression of freedom from the patriarchal mind. 

Energetically I am no longer here.  We are moving out by May 17th.  Where we are going I don't know.  My son thinks that he is going to move in with a friend.

The universe knows that we are ready for this move.  My mind says this is way over my head.  From experience I know that the next place will be magical as was this one even so I didn't see it in the beginning.  I thought this was the worst place on earth.  I am grateful for all the experiences we had here and the great care and love with which they were delivered.

No Agenda

Our yard looks like a redneck's paradise.  My son collects a lot of stuff and it's all over the place.   The landlord wants it cleaned up.   Good luck with that one.   I am not telling my son what to do, we don't have those kinds of conversations.  

The landlord has a problem with the yard, he wants it to look differently.  His insanity is none of my concern.   I can't force my body to clean it up.   Even picking up an empty beer can from the ground is too heavy when it's not meant to be.  In the world of illusion this seems insane, but in reality this is the sanest thing there is.  

In the world of illusion people force their bodies to get things done.  All force is ignorance.  When the mind tries to override the body's wisdom the body will make you sick or find other ways to stop you.  That's why there are so many diseases, it's the result of insanity.

I don't have an agenda.  Life arises out of stillness and not out of an agenda.  Whatever I do, I do without my mind.  Things don't get done when the mind decides it.  Things get done when the body decides it.

My son is doing what he is supposed to, filling up the yard with more stuff.  I could talk to him about cleaning it up until I am blue in the face, it wouldn't work, he cannot not do what he is doing.

Reality is:  The yard looks the way it does.  I can't change that.  All force is ignorance.  I have to accept 'what is'. 

The Edge

The edge keeps moving.  

When you can't go on that's where you decided to stop.   The old internal map has become obsolete and a new, more accurate map is going to take it's place.  The time between the old and the new can be a very trying and horrifying time because we don't know what's going to show up and we can't control what's going to show up. 

And when you have gone over the edge you will find that there has never been an edge, that it was only an illusion.

Natural Consequences

I am in my body which doesn't grant giving in to people's insane expectations of what should be.  

There is only one upset, the loss of the present.  

People are never present thus always upset.  You can tell by movies and TV shows.  The way people relate to each other is through drama.  That's the model we are given.  There are few sane people on this planet.

When you are sane you are like a rag doll, always breathing, never holding your breath, always in your body, never letting anyone pull you out of your body.  

Take everything deep into your body, resist nothing.  The body is always in the present moment, the mind never is.

Therefore I allow the universe to take care of the people I upset, that's called Natural Consequences.  I pay attention to what I am supposed to do and leave the rest up to the universe.  What others want is none of my concern.  I am Self-ish instead of selfish.  Now that's a paradox.

Who awakens spontaneously?

We are not objects, that's why medicating and distracting ourselves isn't working.  I have to face everything.  I can't just go shopping or have plenty of projects going to make myself feel better.  Numbing myself isn't working.  

I don't know where we are going.  The masses haven't even started to wake up.  When I feel this bad I stay with it and tell myself tomorrow is another day.  That's the only way for me to go into the depth of this horror show knowing that tomorrow will be different.

I have heard of people having spontaneous awakening, who felt peace and bliss ever since.  I would like to meet those people, because I am not one of them.  For me every upside has an equal downside.  I can't run away from it.  Today I am going down. 

Chaos precedes change

When someone is upset they are perceiving something in their live as solid, something in their live that will remain the same.  The mind is frozen.  The mind perceives that things never change. 

It's impossible to bring the previous moment into this moment.  The previous moment is too heavy, I can't lift it.  I am traveling too fast to drag anything along.  I am shedding baggage instantaneously.

Each time a new area opens up I feel the frozeness of that area, I feel where I am stuck.   Attention opens that area up.  People mask what they are feeling not realizing that this is their way out.  By not feeling it they keep having to repeat the same stresses.

The Pearly Life

Frequent irritation helps oysters create pearls.  

Man am I irritated.  I must be making luminous pearls.

I am being led further and further away from my mind.  My mind has kept my life in place, making it look the same and sane when in reality there was nothing sane about my life.  

Change is the only constant in life and if you don't change you are insane.  

The fastest way to sanity is feeling insanity.  It's a good thing, and it doesn't last long, it only shows up intensely for a moment and than it's gone and you have received an adjustment.  I know I have to go through insanity to become sane, there is no way out.

Spontaneous Makeover

I live in an environment that I hate.  If I get what I want I will make the illusion real.  What I want is always illusion, I never want the real thing because the real thing is always beyond my threshold.  When the real thing shows up I am being pushed beyond what I can handle so that I can spontaneously reorganize myself at a higher level.  

My environment is helping me to fall apart.  However, I am not really falling apart, I am losing everything that isn't me.  Who I think I am is falling away.  It appears as death, but it's really the prelude to life.

I am being upgraded so that I can function in new ways because the old ways no longer work, they helped me survive, but I am no longer in the survival mode.  As long as I have to survive I don't grow.

I can only grow when I am safe, that's why I keep revisiting the old lair.  It seems like the same shit is hitting the fan over and over, coming full circle but always at a higher level, because something has to stay the same for me to feel safe so that I can grow.  The day will come where nothing has to stay the same, where  I won't need the false security of familiarity.

Chaos is a sign that I am being pushed over my limit so that my system can reorganize itself at a higher level.  But it only works when I allow it to happen.  Avoidance through medicating myself with distractions or blaming others for my problems will keep the same problems alive.  Avoidance doesn't transmute anything.   The road out is the road in.  To get out I have to go in.

When I reorganize myself everything around me spontaneously reorganizes itself as well.  This increases my possibilities infinitely.

The mind and the matrix

Knowing the law of attraction I don't know how I ended up living in this dump.  It shows that the universe will not be manipulated, that I get what I need and not what I want; and that my mind is not a correct representation of what is needed in my life because my mind wants something else.  The universe never makes a mistake and me being here serves a purpose.   Everything that isn't me is being removed.  I am being repaired. 

The mind can't be used to make decisions because they are based on how to survive in the patriarchal world.  When you are whole you are in that world but not of it.  The laws of the Matrix do not apply to me.  Using my mind will keep me on a path that isn't me.  My thoughts will crush me.  You have to know that the Matrix is an illusion and that you can't belief what your mind is telling you.  Your mind will never let you leave the Matrix.  It will have you focused on the illusion that you are going to die, and die you will, but it will only appear that way because you will lose everything that isn't you.

The mind is a friend of the Matrix and will not betray its bosom buddy.  Since you don't know what's real it's easy to fall for its traps.   If you can't face yourself you will bury yourself in that world.  Buried alive - how does that feel?  You can't breathe, no one will dig you out, why should they?  They are buried in there with you.