The Law of Balance

I have been naive. After years of self-improvement I thought my life would get better.  It isn't.  For it to get better it also has to get worse.

You have to lose your mind and when you do you will never know who you are because you won't recognize yourself and nothing will look familiar.  Things will change faster than you have ever experienced, but you won't have any control over what they change into.  You become dependent on the universe.

You want to be independent, but you don't want to equally be dependent.

If I move into one direction the scale has to adjust the other direction. Without darkness you don't know light.  Bittersweet.

I HATE MY LIFE. (I must also love it to the same degree than).
My life is getting worse. This means it must also be getting better.

Nothing has to change

The Yes Man

All my efforts have been poured into the illusion that I have to change things to have a better life, that I can't have a better life unless things change.  Nothing has to change.  I don't need more money to have a better life.  I don't need different circumstance to have a better life.

I have to let anything and everything in and allow it to massage me instead of keeping it at bay.  Like the movie  'The Yes Man' with Jim Carrey where he says yes to everything.  I don't get to say no.  The universe doesn't know no, it only knows yes.  Saying 'yes' allows me to have a bigger life.

Saying 'yes' gets under my skin.  What I attract into my life is not what I want.  I want less.  As I expand bigger things show up.  My life is opening up to anything and everything. 

Nothing is as it seems - 10 reasons

When 10 people witness the same event you get 10 different reports of the event making it look like different events all together.

The mind cannot interpret reality.  Our thoughts are only a report on a condition in us, it doesn't make it real.  Everything is made up.

If nothing is as it appears than you better stop believing how your mind interprets your life because that interpretation is costing you your life. 

One way to overcome this error of interpretation is to make up 10 reasons why someone does what they do.  For instance.  2 years ago my ex forbade me to be in my son's truck.  My first response was fury, that SOB.  As I made up several reasons why he didn't want me to drive with my son I came up with:  'My ex doesn't want me to get hurt because of my son's inexperienced driving.'  This turned my fury into love and now I saw my ex as someone who cared about my safety. 

When I have a problem with someone's behavior I make up 10 reasons why they behave that way and I make sure that at least one reason is hilarious.  Because nothing is as it seems and their behavior isn't what it seems either.  They don't have to change their behavior to make me feel better.  Nothing has to change.  They can be who they are and I am not threatened by it. 

Falling in Love



The face of the earth

The mind causes suffering because it makes one thing more important than another.  It sees differences where there aren't any.  There is no difference between a love letter and a bill.  At the level of atoms its all the same, little scribbles on a piece of paper which the mind assigns meaning to.

You prefer a love letter over a bill.  Preferences keep you stuck.  Fall in love with your bills.

Who am I today?

The person I was yesterday is dead.  Who am I today?  The more often you ask this question the more life you get to have.  I don't know who I am, I am always changing.  Change is all there is.

Every time I die I have more life. The more I die the more life I have, it's a trade off, I can't have one without the other. I hate my life as much as I love it. I have no control over anything, thank goodness.  The more I hate my life the more I love it in equal proportion.  That's the balance.  God, do I want to scream!!  WTF.  Who designed this system? Surely not I.

My cozy little life is disappearing.  I want this to stop.  But I can't stop evolution. The universe is in charge of that.  If I were in charge I would bail out because awareness isn't comfortable.  It is the biggest cruelty I have ever experienced.  It has me looking at my own shit and I always get to clean up my own mess.  I can't hide anywhere and I don't get to change anything.  It changes me. 

And than the dying part.  I don't like to feel death, but everything always dies before anything gets born.  This moment dies before the next moment is born, that's how often death shows up.  Death diarrhea, and I've got it.

Git'r done.

  

Guilty Presents



I want big balls for Christmas*

Christmas is the season of guilt.  Presents are given out of guilt and obligation. 

Guilt is another strong energy form of the Matrix.  The Matrix's survival is guaranteed by strong energy forms.  People don't want to transmute these energies by feeling them.  They don't want to feel uncomfortable and guilty, so they give in and do what they are supposed to.

Your cells remember how Christmas was when you were little and now you insist on recreating the same for your children.  If you were raised as a Christian decide that this year you won't celebrate Christmas.  If you were raised as a non-Christian decorate your home mammothly and shock your neighbors, this will get you out of your conditioning.

Presence changes the presents you give.

Any culture and its customs are stored in the cells of its people.  Cell memory keeps us from breaking away.  There is pressure to participate in cultural conditioning and you will go through withdrawal symptoms when you no longer go along.

Inside the Matrix love is shown by giving gifts.  It is neediness disguised as love because inside the Matrix you are only a thing, you don't exist and you have no power.  Inside the Matrix you are fucked up.

* If I would post that comment on the website where I found that picture the Matrix people would stone me.  The comment is irreverent.  When you leave the Matrix your life will be irreverent instead of predictable.

Cellular Hell

It's not what's in your mind that's making you miserable, it's what's in your cells that's holding you back.  The mind is only the interpreter of what's stored in the cells.  Freedom comes from releasing trauma and conditioning from the cells, otherwise you stay stuck and frozen. Releasing those things feels like death, but in reality it will give you life. 

Cellular memory keeps people from getting into their bodies.  As you throw off baggage you become lighter, your body becomes fluid, everything becomes possible.  You will have the capacity to be alive and present.

The universe blinks off and on zillion of times each moment.  If you can experience those little deaths you won't have to hold on to and store anything in your cells.

People don't want to feel those deaths, so they keep themselves busy. You can only go as high as you can go low.  If you don't want to go down you can't go up either, your world will be flat and predictable.  If you can experience the downside your upside will adjust accordingly.  

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

I am having a great fall.  My social conditioning and mental structures are unraveling, falling like the walls of Jericho and I don't know how I am going to be put together again once I come out of this breakdown phase. 

I had no idea how much my mind is still wanting structure.  There are no triggers for the mind to grab on to.  The house is bare and there is nothing to do, but there is balance.  During the day I get to explore the area and at night I fall apart and go through withdrawal symptoms. 

The conditioning of the mind is like an addiction and as with all addictions you experience withdrawal symptoms in order to be free from it. 

Mental addiction is highly idolized by our society, but the patriarchal mind is on its way out.  People are going to go mad when that happens.  It's going to be quite a shocker.

Energetic cleanup of money issues

Setting the Goddess free

I am due 6 years of alimony payments. I have to let go of all that money.  After all, money is the biggest illusion there is.

There is so much charge around money and by feeling the massive energies I transmute the problem.  It always shows up at night where I can't scream at the people I am angry with.  I can't physically act on it and have no choice but to feel everything.  This clears the energetic hooks so that no one can hang anything on those hooks.  I will be hook-free. 

Problems are being solved without me having to do anything except transmute the energies. 

It's a dog's life

Dogs get trained with a zapper to not leave the yard.  You are not leaving the yard either.  Staying in the yard gets boring once you know everything about the yard.

The mind doesn't want to leave the yard, it wants to go to the same places, pissing on the same things, marking its territory and defending it.

Nothing is working when you have an energetic mess.  You have to clean up your life energetically not mentally.  Everything works smoothly when there are no energetic blocks.

Cleaning up your life energetically means feeling every nook and cranny.  My definition of feelings and emotions is this.  An emotion is an energetic makeup of a block in your system, which zaps your energy.  A feeling is a free-flowing system without any blockages, which enlivens you.

Emotions drain you, feelings wake you up.

Your world belongs to your mind

Your mind brutally drags you to be slaughtered day by day.  What kind of power is this for the mind to have you in its grip, to keep you living in torment? 

When I go out with people and listen to their conversations, the hell that goes on in their minds.  They belief that the illusion of the matrix is real and that they have to take every precaution to keep them safe. 

The matrix is a nightmare from which you can snap out of.  You will not die, you will live!!  The matrix keeps you dead. 

Civilized Schizophrenia

You can't just show up, you have to come with an arsenal of baggage, which makes you a blabbering mask always talking about what you should do, what you haven't done, what you are going to do.  Your mind is like a 2-year-old out of control in the driver's seat of your life because that is the extend of the competence of the mind.  Ditch your mind.  You don't need it to survive.

The house is bare, the cupboards are empty, the fridge isn't working, I love the simplicity.  I am stuck in the house without internet, no TV, far away from any store.

The mind needs a cupboard full of stuff.  The mind needs to be stuffed with stuff.  The body only needs what shows up, but the mind wants more.

Life is a roaring rapids



The rapids of  life

Tomorrow I am going to the mountains to live there.  I have no idea how this is going to unfold because there are so many details that it is mind boggling.  There is no furniture, I don't know where I am going to sleep, if there is even heat or if I need to go to the electric company and have it turned on.  I let it unfold all by itself because each moment is a portal to all I need. 

My life looks like a roaring rapids with energy swirling all around me.  I perceive so much more, now that I have learned to trust the universe.  At a deep level we know everything and now this deep level is becoming visible to me where I know how things are connected.  There are no random events. The energies of the future are always reaching me to prepare me for what is to come.  This moment prepares me for the next.

The 'What if' Game

The body doesn't need the mind to tell it what to do.  That is the arrogance of the mind, to think that it is needed to get anything done.  Life is much smoother without the mind's interference.  The body always knows what to do, the mind often overrides it. 

My mind has less and less input in my life.  I haven't seen nor talked to my son since October 31st.  We are moving to the mountains and he is supposed to arrange everything.  I can't call him to find out what is going on because he doesn't know what he is going to do until he does it.   

People want to control the outcome, so they plan every detail and than they have stories why it didn't happen the way they planned.  Their minds keep them from noticing that they are not in charge of anything.

When I use my mind I can't be here in this present moment absorbing all its beauty, ease and abundance.  Putting the mind in charge is like a shock to the otherwise smooth running system.

When the mind doesn't know what is going on it will play the 'What if' game.  "What if we don't move to the mountains, I am stuck here forever"  "What if he changed his mind."  "What if he doesn't want me to live with him."  I don't have to worry about any of these 'what if's' because my life is perfectly set up and there are never any emergencies to attend to.  Submitting to this moment is all the power I have over anything.

The mind has no power

I am moving to the mountains in a week or two with my son.  The mind always has you do more steps than what is necessary.  I am preparing for the move by being still and being fully here.  I have no winter clothing and I am not dashing off to the store buying what I think I might need. 

My son is in Delaware at the world championship and when he comes back he will do what he will do.  I am not going to tell him what to do because his body doesn't respond to my mind.  His body doesn't even respond to his own mind.  The days where the mind is in charge are over.  The body always knows what to do and the mind has no clue.  The mind doesn't know what is next, it only thinks what might be next based on how it's always been. 

Our bodies will do the move while we are present in each moment.  The mental exhaustion of planning is exasperating. The mind cannot keep track of all the details.  My body takes me from moment to moment, like frames in a movie, I teleport from moment to moment without planning, because the universe does a perfect job putting all the details into place.

Hell No

I am moving in with a friend I stayed with before leaving for Germany.  My mind can't comprehend this, but I know that the universe works with achingly beautiful perfection.  

Like cures like.  What makes you insane also makes you sane.  I am being given precise injections of other people's insanity.  Inside the Matrix everything is insane yet appears sane.  To lose the mind one has to keep going back to the same situations to be driven out of the mind until there is nothing left.

My next creation

I no longer know what it's like to think the way the mental matrix requires.  I wonder what I am creating next.  All my experiences have brought me to this place.  I am here to reconnect with my son at the level of wholeness, to let him have his life the way he wants it and not to meddle with it.

I don't know what's next and my mind can't bring it about.  So, how is this next step going to happen?  I know I don't have to do anything, I never have to do anything.  I have butterflies to see my next creation showing up.  

A Reckless Life

Grand Canyon, Nevada

The universe will not support us inside the Mental Matrix.  People struggle, I see them struggling because they don't wait for what shows up naturally.   People want a mind-based future so that they can be in control of what they are getting.  It doesn't work that way anymore.

'Being in the moment' is an overused mental concept.  'Being' has no mind.

Things change in an instant, but until they change and nothing seems to be happening doubts and fears show up to be released.  Until the change comes is the time where the mind dumps its conditioning and is the most miserable.

The landlady is trying to get me to apply for a job where she works.  My life scares people, it's scaring me too, I live reckless, never knowing what is next, never preparing for anything.  I spend all day sitting on benches and playing sudoku, it keeps my mind occupied while I wait for the universe to do her work.  Jesus had no place to lay his head and I am getting there.  I have a place to sleep, but I leave in the morning, returning in the evening.  I can't spend much time around illusionists.

I draw on direct personal experience.  Conceptual knowing is disappearing.  Stillness of pure consciousness is my nature.  The mind always wants to analyze but the mind can't get it.  It knows nothing.  My existence depends on stillness and not on the Mental Matrix.

The Mental Matrix

Red Pill, Blue Pill

Tyler Perry's 'Visionaries: The Creative Mind' is just another lie of the Matrix.  He succeeded because of his mind, that's the story he tags on to his success. You cannot not do what you are doing.  His mind has nothing to do with his success.  Use your mind and you will get anything you desire.  I once believed that myself.

Stillness is the creative power.  Stillness seems irresponsible, leaving things up to fate.  The mind will heavily argue that you need your mind to solve problems and to succeed, and it will win that argument.  Inside the Matrix the mind is God. 

I was informed by the landlady that I have to be gone by the end of the month.  Now I'll just wait for the portal to open that gets me to the next place.

The chaotic mind

I am staying with my 18 year old son who moved into a house last month, rent free until January.  His girlfriend is telling me that they are engaged.  I am about to roll over on the floor with laughter.  I let her have her illusion, I don't interfere nor intrude. They will never get married because the universe won't allow it.

So his girlfriend and landlady are going through the house making plans on what needs to be fixed:  all windows replaced, all new floors, new paint, and much more.  

Presently my son is working 7 days a week leaving at 5 AM, returning at 7 PM.  That way those 2 bean bags can't impose on his life because people who live in an illusionary world only create chaos and use other people.  I am staying out of their sight as well, allowing the universe to work its magic.

What people say and what people do is incongruent.  The body is always in the present moment but the conditioned mind can't handle stillness, so it fabricates a future.

The pyramids built themselves because no one ever works, it's an illusion.  Things move by themselves when they are supposed to.  The mind doesn't create anything.

I don't listen to what people say because they make up stories by which they identify themselves with and which they take seriously.  They don't know the difference between reality and illusion.