Mind filters.

Nothing has to make sense.  I am fine with the way things are.   I don't have to figure out why, what and how.  I am here to have experiences.  There is no straight line nor cause and effect.

For 10 weeks we were told that my son isn't getting unemployment. This has brought out different responses of even relief for not receiving any income.  When I accepted it, a letter came to inform us that he is getting a little bit of money.  External events are based on what is supposed to be accomplished within me and not how the government is set up.  One moment its all 'Noooo' and the next its all 'Yess'.  There are no rules nor limitations.  When all my emotions have been processed the situation can turn around, but may not.

We had our cabin broken into and a $2,000 trailer stolen.  My son was hired for a one day assignment and didn't get paid, he got scammed.  The truck still hasn't been repaired after 3 weeks of sitting at the shop.  It just keeps going on and on.  It doesn't matter.  I am ecstatic.  Life no longer has to be a certain way.  Nothing is going the way we imagine it.  The mind is constantly being set up to get lost.

The mind has an opinion about everything.  It filters life's events until there is no reality left, only illusion.  With my mind constantly being tricked, my mind doesn't know where it stands and has to look at what's really going on and has to release all this wishful thinking that life is going to get better in the future.  Life is getting better and worse. 

That's why I am going out of my mind often.  Hurray, I am losing my mind.  Nothing is going the way I was taught: "When you do this, you get that."  No, that's not the way it goes.

Progress

I feel 99.99% crazy.  This is progress as my illusions continue to be dismantled and my formless essence shall arise eventually.  Nothing is going to move forward until I have moved inward even more.  I get the drill.

There is no out there out there.

Enjoy the ride

I feel like an alien.  I actually am an alien.  I have a green card.  But seriously, how much stranger is it going to get?  At the moment my life feels empty and bizarre, as if everything was removed from my brain.

The world has seen 'nothing' yet.

Structures are falling, falling, falling.   None of the old can be taken along.  There is nothing for us to inhabit.  We are still in between.  It feels kind of eerie, yet comforting.  All I can do is wait this out.

The new way to be

My son turned 21 today.  He finished his commercial truck driving school, graduated with high scores, 17 recruiters called him in one day, but there is a tiny technicality.  He may not be able to drive for a year, and he isn't getting unemployment either (he lost his job 2.5 months ago).  We have no income whatsoever.

We took our truck to get fixed.  The mechanic made many promises, that we could pay part of the repairs by selling firewood to one of his friends.  That was 10 days ago.  The truck is still sitting there untouched, the firewood hasn't been picked up.

This has been going on for months, it's the sign of the new.  We are hanging in the space of nothing.  As we become lighter matter behaves differently.  I for one can no longer carry anything, especially not peoples problems.  It feels too heavy, as if I am getting a heart attack.

I can only focus on what's right in front of me, anything beyond that doesn't exist.  According to quantum physics everything is a wave until observed, our focus is limited to the size of a thumb.  People are so far into the future and the past that they don't notice this.

I know it has to be this way and I am stoked.  We cannot go back in time and the new is unfolding as we go.

I am riding an incredible wave.  One moment I am flying as high as a kite, the next I have butterflies in my stomach.  Solid ground appears as I put my foot on the ground and disappears as soon as I take it off the ground.

I can't handle knowing the whole plan.  Don't even show me the next step.  Before I can take the next step, this step vanishes.  There is nothing behind me and nothing before me.

When I want to call it quits ...

A few days ago as I was entering a new blog post my internet went down.  I had a prophetic dream that night which negated everything I wrote in that post.

Basically I called it quits.  I let go of my twin flame for the millionth time.  I was questioning ascension, whether any of my experiences were real or if I made it all up.

The carrot (my twin flame) has been dangling before me for 17 years, it is getting harder to belief that we will ever be together.  In my dream I went to his office and he gave me a very large bottle of eye drops.  Bottles are good to dream of if filled with transparent liquid.  You will overcome all obstacles in affairs of the heart.  Prosperous engagements will ensue.

OK then.  I shall continue with this insane journey.

Over the years many people pointed the way, but I can't rely on them.  Their experience isn't mine.  I am on my own, discerning the signs and signals.  These signs are like a light house by the stormy sea.  My soul keeps me going to the end.

My other life

In my other life

When illusions fall away its the death to the structures I have built.  I loved my other life, but it was built on illusions.  I am mourning my other life.

I have been going through waves of death.  That's what it looks like when you stop building illusion like crazy, nothing looks familiar, the unfiltered life.

I am becoming more aware of the difference between imagination and reality.  No dreaming is possible when only reality remains.   Reality is tremendously fulfilling.  However, the road to reality (taking off the filters) is not for the faint at heart.  

At least this time I don't fill in the blanks with horror stories of where I am going to end up or how I am going to survive because I know from experience that whatever shows up is perfect.  I am ok with not knowing.  The unknowable will give me wings.

A new temporary place

Yesterdays quantum jump took me into another temporary space.  This leap has been especially hard on my body, many aches and pains and exhaustion.

Things are being burned down behind me, nothing to be taken along.  A new memory.  This leap has already been integrated.  A new high becomes an old low in mere moments.  I am back to 'nothing'.

The Breakdown

Singularity is the term mathematicians use when equations break down and cease to have any useful meaning.  The rules change.  Something completely different happens.

If we keep up with this pace there will soon be a complete break from the patterns of the past.  In the last 2 days  I am experiencing a quantum jump to somewhere very vast and new.  I am exhausted and weak.  So different from the space I was in just 2 days ago.  Developmental phases now take place in years/months/weeks rather than decades.

Something completely new is developing, so fitting for this new years eve.  I have not been here before.

Progress

My mind is getting used to 'nothing'.  I am more aligned with the present. Which means I am at peace and relaxed.

The mind is the filter, the inner voice that speculates on a future based on memory, based on what has been before, which is insane.  It can never be the same again, but the mind fills in the spaces with projections and interpretations.  None of which are real.

Everything is a wave of possibilities and only when observed does it turn into matter.  Nothing beyond this moment exists.  So far everything has always turned out better than if my own plans had come to fruition. 

There is so much more space between events.  Not much needs to be attended to and I doubt that the pace will pick up, no forward movement, slowing down even more.  Its a process that's taking me from doing to Being.

Solstice

The solstice brought BIG subtle changes.  Didn't notice it until this morning.  Everything dried up.  I can't think the same way.  The old is gone.

I am now living in the emptiness.  It's one thing talking about Being, its another living it.  There is NOTHING TO DO.  Everything we planned went to ashes.  This is especially hard on my son.  He is used to always working.  He has millions of ideas but they all belong to the old.  He noticed that things aren't the same, but is unaware of the extend.  

It looks like we are sinking in quicksand, fears showing up.  I am stoked.  We are truly in the new.  New ways will show up eventually, living at a different speed.  This is a time of adjusting.  I feel so dead.

The Joker is free

Free to play the game of life, the joker has no cares in the world.

I think I finally got it.  There is a difference between waking up within the dream and waking up from the dream.

People who wake up within the dream belief in the Law of Attraction, The Secret, The Power of the Mind, Cause and Effect and so many other beliefs, which are only a more convincing illusion of freedom.  Beliefs and opinions don't survive the destructive process of getting to the truth.

When you wake up from the dream you know that there is no Cause and Effect, no Law of Attraction, no Secret, no predictability, yet, things aren't random either.

For a short 30 seconds I experienced the destruction of more of my beliefs and illusions, another ultimate death.  There literally was nothing left.  My first thought was that I can always kill myself, it went that deep. It's a constant giving up of everything I know about anything, a constant death to everything.

The new year is going to be a wild card.  Anything and nothing goes.  I will know at the end of the year how it went.

This is only a ride

This is only a ride, and there are no rules.

Many parents promise their kids a reward when they are good.  That's not how the universe works.  I have done the work and was waiting for my reward.  I was fooled to belief that things will get better.  They don't.  They get better and worse in equal parts.  There has to be balance.

The mind now has a different master.  It's called experience.  The universe, my soul, is after my experiences, and I don't get to chose those experiences, neither can I get out of them. 

I have been called a fatalist.

Things seem random, hit and miss.  It's all about deprogramming the mind.  Its our fatal expectations of certainty that make this ride hellish.  Nothing is going our way.  Only after the fact will I know how it went.  I can't predict anything beforehand.  I am always wrong because of my human mind.  I have to go further, waking up from the dream, not just waking up within the dream.

I have never been so uncertain.

My lighter body

The mind builds structures.  All my structures have fallen.  New ones don't even have the chance to get erected.  I have gone beyond the mind.

I cycle through a lot of feeling:  death, illusion, insanity, and so many more.  I always feel different, unstable, things seem to move all the time.  What's here one moment is gone the next.

As I carry more light I can't carry a thought.  Thought is denser than light.  Bye, bye thoughts.

I am starting to behave as light.  The fear of how I am going to provide for myself or live on this still dense planet isn't there anymore.  I am protected.

Anything that has to do with planning gives me indigestion.  If I don't relax my heart starts to race.  I can't introduce density to my body anymore or my body will react immediately with symptoms of a heart attack and headaches.

It's imperative to be present and awake. 

Preparing for my new life which isn't so new after all, just more aware

I am still dealing with moving or staying.  Both seem real. I don't know what's going to happen and it puts me into the present moment.  I can't prepare for it.  It has to prepare me.

This morning my son got pre-hired by a trucking company.

I have been feeling massive, massive changes coming my way. I am certainly done with my life the way I know it.  There is still so much to let go of.  Uncertainty became even more uncertain.

The mind perceives things AFTER the fact.  It doesn't have a clue of what's going to happen.  When things are uncertain the mind fills in the blanks with what it knows, with what has happened before.  That's why I don't listen to anything my mind presents me with.  

The mind can't create.  It doesn't have an original thought.  It can't make anything work.  Our Higher Selves conceive everything and we receive it as a download.

I am being downloaded with so much in the form of energy, nothing concrete.  It's fierce.  This makes me flexible.  It's not going to be anything I have done before, although there will be overlaps.  It's the fibonacci dance, 2 steps in the unknown, 1 step in the known. 

And this is the paradox.  My life hasn't changed at all.  At the core I have always been the same, I only had to get the illusions out of the way.  I am not being handed an unfamiliar life.  Becoming a truck driver is a logical next step for me.

My son got tired of the drama at his previous job and I could tell that he wasn't going to stay there much longer.  His Higher Self caused him to ignore a safety step and they had to fire him.  Being truck drivers, we'll not have to spend much time around the same people.  People vibrate at such low levels that all they concentrate on are problems that aren't there. The world is still too steeped in illusion.  The only thing you are supposed to do with a problem is feel it, that's why its there.

The body always knows what to do and the mind often overrides it.  The past 2 years I have learned to live in my body and out of my mind.  That's the only way my son and I will be able to co-exist being around each other 24/7.  He won't put up with my crap.

There is nothing to discuss.  The body is connected to source.  The mind is disconnected and insane.  Discussions only create more illusions.  Discussions rob us of awareness.  It's the feeling part that livens us.  The physical part is taken care of by source and none of our concern.  Real-axing into what is.

The barrier

There has been so much upheaval.  My son isn't getting the loan.  Someone will sponsor him, or  whatever, it really doesn't matter.  I am not going to think of the worst case scenario, that's what the mind likes to come up with when things are uncertain.  We'll be where we'll be.  I have no say in it anyway.

What we do in this moment doesn't predict the next moment.  Just because we do A, B and C doesn't guarantee a certain outcome, not anymore.    It reminds me to give it all up and go back to stillness.  Everything takes care of itself.  Nothing is final.  We are in a perpetual state of becoming and passing away.

The dialectic of existence:  Whatever I hold on to, I will lose.  The expected never comes.  The longed-for is never achieved.  The desire is never fulfilled.  The very fact of asking becomes a barrier.  That's the paradox.

I don't ask of anything and I have become very relaxed, being ok with what is.

My neighbor drives me crazy sometimes.  But she only brings out my own insanity.  That's why changing her is futile.  Everything is here to make me sane.

Unpredictability

Things have changed again.  Something ended.  Every time something ends I think that something new will show up, that I will be moving forward.  But it never does.  These are endings without beginnings because my mind isn't comfortable with 'nothing' yet.

I am spending more time with people.  They all have the same theme, talking about what they are going to do next year, because all of them need to fill their minds with something.  Waiting for what shows up naturally is too scary for them.  

They tell me what I need to change about myself.  It usually doesn't take long for them to run my life with their minds, trying to change me rather than looking at themselves.  The trip into their world of illusion is exhausting and insane.

Their mind says: "It shouldn't be this way," and thus they work on changing me.  The mind has a problem with what is.  This makes people restless, always working on changing the outer world.   

Knowing that the universe put these people into my life to cure my insanity, I look at myself and what it brings out in me.  In time they will all disappear.  What makes you insane will also make you sane.  

I spent the money I set aside to pay bills on groceries.  I had such a great time with my son at the store.  We don't discuss money issues.  Presently money gets supplied as needed from unpredictable sources, which we have no control over.   Mind as well relax and have some fun with this.

Nothing is going the way we think, nothing is working the way it used to.  There are more spaces and that's why things happen very slowly because there is no repetition.  The spaces prepare the nervous system for what comes next.   In those spaces a lot of releasing happens.  That's why next year will be a very flexible and unpredictable year.

Two more weeks and my son will be done with his truck driving training.  Then he has to wait another 3 weeks until he turns 21 before he can drive.  Every situation is the perfect preparation for the next step.  The mind wants things to happen quicker, but the unconscious has to be made conscious so that we can go through life with awareness, and than I belief things will speed up.

Insanity

I am feeling dissatisfied and insane.  I want to blame the outer world, but I know it has nothing to do with the external.  The outside is not the cause.  

The unknown in me is taking over.  Living willfully has no depths.  I wait for what shows up naturally, that is sanity.

We are born sane and conditioned to become insane.  All the insanity that was indoctrinated into me has to come out so that I can be a pure mirror reflecting reality, spontaneous behavior, nothing suppressed, pure innocence.  

Feeling insane is a sign that I am letting go of conditioning, but I am furious because I have outgrown my life and I want more.  The best part is that I don't have to go after it.  It will show up on its own.  It will be something unknown because the known has become insane.  Repetition is another form of insanity.  The only constant is change and if you don't change you are insane.

What makes you insane also makes you sane.  In the world of illusion that which is insane appears sane and that which is sane appears insane.

The ledge is disappearing

I am being stretched like the hide of an animal in the sun.  I am ok with it.  Its all in divine and perfect order.

Immense changes are in the works.  I keep feeling these massive energies and than they subside so that the nervous system can catch up.

Neo only went one layer down the rabbit hole.  He misinterprets his new state as freedom, but its only a more convincing illusion of freedom.  He is now even more in the grip of delusion.  With every layer I thought I had arrived.  We get to go all the way to the bottom of the rabbit hole. 

For me it feels that I have reached the bottom and now I get to climb out and fly.  

I am really no longer in control, which was an illusion anyway.   My mind wants me to rush around, doing useless things.  The mind always wants to override the body's wisdom.  I move to action when my body moves me.  Its getting easier and harder.  Easier because I can trust my body to know what to do; harder because there is no more ledge.  The ledge has disappeared and I have nothing to hang on to.  Its time to fly.

This is the season of obligation.  Obligation to give presents. I am not buying anything, we are having to borrow money, but that's not the reason. I never give anything out of obligation.  This year has been a financial breeze until now. Maybe my son needs to learn something through this.  I am not trying to figure things out anymore.  It is what it is.

This is the most psychic time of the year.  I am being shown and prepared for things to come.

Integrating the new

There were times when I questioned who I was following because so far nothing materialized, only purging, purging, purging with short intervals of relief.

The past two days I was shown my new life.  It is over the top with my stomach in my throat.  I can't do this, neither do I want to do this.  But the universe has spoken.  There is no negotiating.  Its way over my head and that's where its supposed to be so that I will not walk by my own strength.

I will be traveling with my son in a truck and eventually I will get my truck driving license so that we both can alternate driving and go longer distances.  I am integrating all of this and today I am feeling kind of blah.  I was wondering whether the stress of being on the road so much would get to me.  The universe responded with a dream of an erected penis, meaning, I will have the strength and stamina to do this.

We are down to our last penny.  We have things for sale but they aren't selling.  I am not worried.  Its not my problem.  I am here to enjoy the ride and I am starting to.

I meet people and they truly don't want to give up control because they are afraid of losing it all, and they will.  I am glad that part is over.  A new game is being arranged for me.