Paradox

Paradox

My son had his last surgery yesterday.  He now has 3 titanium plates and 12 titanium screws in his head holding his frontal skull bones together at the cost of $800 per screw.  He says he has a better reception with his phone.

With that out of the way we can now move forward.  There was a sudden shift in energy and I felt lost.  My walls of illusion came crashing down.  There doesn't seem to be any ground for me to step on.  I have to linger in this space of nothingness until I have processed all the uncomfortable and unfamiliar energies.  My mind doesn't comprehend any of this.   Therefore I let my body carry what my mind can't.  The body always knows what to do.  Its a time of  emptying out and letting go. 

No more 3D for me

It has taken me awhile to figure out what has happened in my life recently because it has changed so much and I couldn't put my finger on it.  

I have left 3D where people identify themselves with their thoughts and emotions, where life is based on rigid rules and structures.  I have moved into a free based dynamic.  

I don't have an intellectual concept of anything.  It's strictly present time.  I am no longer that freight train of who I am not.  I am very aware of my inner terrain.  And that has become the basis for everything I do.  I had to unlearn the Matrix.  Now its all new territory and unfamiliarity from here on.  No one can ever take me out of this core element of myself.  There are no 'shoulds' and 'musts'.

The mind has so much power over people.  Its an incredible tool when its the servant, but as the master its destructive and harmful.  People belief everything their mind is telling them, never questioning its validity.  It's not through the mind, through thinking that the miracle of life is created or sustained.  There is an intelligence far greater than the mind at work.

An emotion is the body's reaction to the mind.  When we are not aware of our emotions the body reacts through symptoms and making us ill.  An emotion is an energetic imprint in the body that runs the body when we are not aware.  Awareness heals everything.

The year of the snake, shedding the old

Modern physics has proven that what we perceive through our 5 senses is more unreal than its real.  Our intellects can only take us so far.  We are constantly having to adjust.

Everything we have been taught, have learned, everything we know is based on a lie, a projection within a projection, an illusion within an illusion.  Our physical world only appears to be real when in fact it is not.

Intuitively we know that there is a limit to human reasoning, that the human mind can take us only so far.  Knowledge is only gained through experience.  We need to transcend our intellects and move beyond reason.  

Old viewpoints and conditioned ideas of reality require mental re-adjustment.  This is quickly done when we allow ourselves to be and be with what is.  No mental planning of any kind, no agendas.  This moment prepares us for the next.

Thoughts of fear are merely releases of our illusions and conditioning.  Old outmoded believes are falling away like a snake shedding its skin.  This shedding causes catharsis at times, even if only for a moment we get to look at what we are releasing.

DNA material that was previously considered junk by scientists will begin to be activated.  The capacity of using our minds will increase.  Our minds will function in a new way.

A poll shift is underway with continuing earth changes.  This is a time of deep transformation.  We are always in flux.  We will never again return to the old.  Its over.

Reincarnation is a fantasy. Existence has never had a form that could be repeated. It's forever unformed. The shifting of galaxies on the far side of the universe is the same shifting event of our bodies and minds. This happening has never become anything in particular; it's only shift and flux. There's no thing becoming some other thing; there's one great unformed presence remaining unformed.
--Darryl Bailey

The formless

Our little wagon that stores our furniture until we are ready to move on

We received a letter from the surgeon to pay $800 up front to have my son's frontal skull bones put back in.  Failure to do so could result in the surgery being cancelled.  The medical term for this procedure is Autologous Cranioplasty - Bilateral.  I told them that we didn't have the money.  They will proceed with the surgery as scheduled at the end of February.

I no longer feel ashamed telling people that I don't have the money to pay for certain things.  All that stigma has dropped off my energy field.  Money issues no longer face me.  I don't feel like a pauper nor second class citizen. I am living off the crumbs of others, way below the poverty line.  My life is so simplified, I don't need much at all, no filling spaces with objects.  There is no fretting where I am going to live nor how my needs will be met.  I alone am enough.

I heard that the vibration of gratitude is higher than the vibration of Love.

I continue to lose identification with form.  At times this feels eerie.  Suffering comes from the attachment to form.  

Form is whatever the perceiver makes it.  The physical world is an illusion.  The perceiver looks at form through a filter, the conditioning.  This filter makes people incongruent, they say one thing and do another, the illusion we hold of ourselves.  They may accuse others of being wasteful when in reality they themselves are wasteful.  Whatever I accuse others of is in me.  Being present makes me congruent with who I really am, the formless essence of me.

Non-dual Prayer - The Art of Spiritual Healing

Joel Goldsmith - The Art of Spiritual Healing

Go into No-thought.  Let go of what is wrong with the person.  Go into No-thought, just absolute presence for 2-3 minutes.

There is absolute perfection in the realm of the formless.  And that is the essence of the person who needs healing.  

Go into deep stillness where nothing is needed.  You take the form into the formless where the form is no longer.  There is no condition to be treated.  

Prayer is listening to God rather than talking to God.  Listening does not mean you are waiting for an answer, because than you are not really listening.  In listening you are not waiting for anything.  There is just a field of pure attention.  Not even wanting an answer, its enough to be in silence.  It is relaxed alertness.

I have a simplified version of this:  That which is observed changes.

The 'Sick Card'

When life becomes stranger than fiction we have arrived.  We are the ones we've been waiting for.

The universe still pulls the sick card, meaning, that people are still so much in their heads that the universe has to make them sick to keep them from creating more havoc.  There is so much more waiting for us but people keep re-creating the same old, same old, all at the level of survival.

Unless you are as a child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.  Children live in the moment.  Abundance is all they know until grownups teach them otherwise.

The disappointment of 12/21 has silenced authors.  People had great expectations that life would change drastically when the Mayan calendar ends.  Nothing much happened.  It was the universes way of saying that our little minds are not in charge, that the universe has something much greater for us.

My son's co-workers raised $2300.00 for him but the man in charge used it for himself.  We always have what we need, effortlessly provided by the universe.  Money has become an uninteresting subject to me. Whenever I need money it just shows up.  Breathing and staying out of my mind takes care of everything.
 

The Dark

My ex has been spreading vicious lies about me and people belief him.  Now I know why they have been behaving rudely towards me.

 

The dark does not like much the light, everything that is beyond its comprehension and control it basically hates as it knows the high vibes will force the dark to perish and change into high vibes.  Change freaks the hell out of them, so their behavior towards me becomes very dark.  My light puts the spotlight right on their dark hideaway.  It highlights their pain, makes it come out for healing.  They do not wish to face themselves, so they want me gone. 

My very presence upsets them.  I get blamed for so much.  Same with my dad, he would attack me relentlessly and asked me to leave.  I would never say anything, just be still, and yet, they would find problems.  That's why I have to be very careful, people will turn on me in an instant.  It's the light that I carry.  I finally get that.

Integrating the recent new energies

The 15th of January brought massive new energies, which made it difficult for me to breathe.  I am finally stabilizing.

I am staying with my son at his step-moms house.  Her husband, my ex, moved out but is coming here every day to pick up his stuff.  He's a hoarder and has until middle of March to remove his things from this place.

My son wants to move back to the mountains next month, I don't think that's going to happen.  I think the universe has other plans for us.  

There are two more surgeries and several doctors appointments.  My son has a tiny metal umbrella in one of his veins to keep blood clots from reaching his heart; and his bone flaps (frontal skull bones) still need to be put back into his skull, until then he has to wear a helmet because his brain doesn't have the protection of his bones, they are presently in the lab.  He will fully recover from the accident and he is aware of how lucky he is.

I have been talking to him about the feminine energy coming back to this planet and why this accident happened to him.  He is very receptive to it.  The universe provided a rude awakening for him, which will cost about half a million, but as always, the universe has made provision.  My son has excellent insurance and we'll only have to pay $1,500.00 deductible.

For about 7 months prior to the accident I kept seeing 911 on the digital clock.  I knew it was a warning of some sort but never thought it would be of such severity that would bring drastic changes for my son to join me in the new world.  He all of a sudden turned into an old soul with much wisdom.  My daughter had her awakening last Summer using mushrooms.  I guess to each his own.

Becoming Lighter

Volcanic Ash Dunes of Tarvurvur, Papua New Guinea

I am going through massive transformations.  I am allowing this moment to be as it is.  I don't meddle with it, I accept it and observe it.  I don't identify myself with form and allow space to enter.  

By allowing the form of this moment to be as it is I enter the formless.  I don't identify with my thoughts, they come and go.  There is so much more space in my life.  Automatically a lot of baggage has been dropped.  Space and stillness where nothing is needed, where everything is perfect as it is.

I don't know anything at all.

Twisted

My ex and his wife are now legally separated.  He's supposed to move out by Monday.  He found a place with 2 acres and says its for me and my son.  He gave me the key.  Knowing him he's going to live there also.  That would really be twisted, moving in with my ex.  I don't think the universe is going to allow that.

I have a place for a week, after that I don't know.  Nothing is going to happen the way I think.  There is a plan that is so beyond the mind that my mind is flipping.

Everything is always changing.  The universe has written a plot that likens a soap opera.  Twisted, insane and sick.  I am looking for a normal life.

In the world of illusion that which is insane appears sane and that which is sane appears insane.

Nothing is as it appears.

The straw that broke the camel's back

Living in the Truck for a month accomplished 2 things that I am aware of: driving me out of identification with form, and dissolving the ego.  I am neutral and have no desire for anything, maybe because I am just too damn worn out.

Looking for yourself in an external form causes suffering because that's not the essence of who we are.  Making form work for you doesn't mean that your life is working.  People want to change their lives by changing the forms in their lives.  I don't have to add anything to myself.  I don't have to exert effort to be me.  If you use effort to be you than you think that there is something wrong with you, that you are not enough.  I can move through life effortlessly.

My computer wasn't working and I used the courtesy phone at IKEA to contact my son so that he won't worry about me when he doesn't hear from me for a few days.  I then went to the cafeteria to drink hot water to hydrate myself for yet another long night in the truck.  As I sat there my sons step mom came looking for me urging me to come home with her.   As soon as we reached her house my body gave out completely.  I had a pinched nerve and it was excruciating.  My body won't survive another night in the truck.  I think I am done with that experience.

The next morning we had a family meeting.  Her brother was not at all happy that I was living in the truck.  He told my ex that this is not the way to treat the mother of your children.  Not only was my son recovering from a severe accident he also had to worry about my safety.  His step mom begged his dad daily to put me up in a motel but he wouldn't.  That broke the camels back.  He is being served papers to vacate the premises within 60 days, she's filing for separation.

My sons step mom took her last pennies and reserved a room for me at a motel for 4 nights.  My son will be joining me tonight. 

Presently I hate the form of the NOW

I am looking forward to being done with this, yet I know this is exactly what I need.  I go out of my mind often because there is no form for me to identify with, nothing familiar to fall back to.  There is nowhere to hide.

 

I am actually sighing a sigh of relieve that I am having this experience.  It's making me lighter.   There is so much space being created in my life for something new to emerge.  And the Matrix won't be part of it.  Whatever is going to show up will blow my mind.  At least that's what I think.

Allowing the Now to be. Then life lives through you and life is intelligent.  ~Eckhart Tolle

The Evolution of our Consciousness

This experience is the most helpful for the evolution of my consciousness.  I am being led away as far as possible from my former life. 

I am getting used to not doing anything, sleeping when I want, not having to answer to anyone.  I don't know how my life is going to be put back together when I come out of this phase, but I know that I can't go back to the way things were.  A big line is being drawn under my life.

My voice has changed because my emotions are being dealt with and my nervous system is being stretched.  My body needs much less food.  I have been able to eat only around 500 calories per day.  I don't know if this is a temporary situation because I don't have cooking facilities available or if this is my new way of life.  I feel strong and balanced.

Meltdowns are breakthroughs

My son's truck, my present home

I don't know how much more I can take.  I have one meltdown after another.  Meltdowns are breakthroughs.  I would like this experience to end, but it's accomplishing what it's supposed to, breaking me of my patterns and judgments and mental ideas of how life should look like.  I don't get to decide what experiences come my way.

I have been ill for 3 days contemplating whether I should check myself into the emergency room.  But I don't have health insurance.  I waited it out and I am getting better.  When you feel good things always look better.

Years ago I saw a movie based on true events, 'Anything to Survive' about 2 teenage girls surviving the harsh Alaskan winter for 2 months without food and shelter.  I have food and shelter. 

Our bodies are capable of so much more.  Domestication destroys our resilience.  My life is being simplified even more.

When you can't go on, that's where you decided to stop.
 

The new order, the feminine

There is a road we must travel alone because we are not a copy of anyone.  We are the original.

This is my time to do things on my own again.  Sleeping in the truck is quite comfortable.  During the day I explore the city, always finding something new to do.

We are anchoring the feminine, the inactive, the inner world, a new order in which life is taking place.

Swirling Molecules

I am living in the truck, a.k.a. city camping.  This is the perfect place right now, a place between, where I am not being pulled into other people's illusions.  I watch the sun rise, listen to nature, watch birds soar, and the city beneath, a place to unwind and get ready for the next BIG thing.  I am being changed to allow something new.

Energy comes before matter.  The only preparation I ever need is at the level of energy.  When that is taken care of the physical will fall into place effortlessly.

When you are in the present moment it doesn't matter what your surroundings look like because you are not addicted to having things a certain way.  You simply know that everything is in perfect and divine order.

Always perceive that you have a choice and never make it, that's the present.

We are made up of swirling molecules.  An inflexible person puts their molecules together the same way they were the moment before because change is too much for them to handle.  Their band width is very small.  As the sample rate increases they are able to perceive more and be more alive.

Whenever the molecules swirl around it confuses the mind because the mind doesn't have any matter to hold on to.  That's when the mind freaks out.  To the mind reality looks like an out of control chaotic mess.  The ever endless swirling molecules are always being put together the way they are supposed to.

On my own

I have been staying in my sons hospital room over night.  He is getting discharged on Wednesday but has to come back in a few weeks to have his skull bones put back in.

He is going to live with his dad and I don't know where I am going.  I don't like it at all, but I have to accept what the universe has for us.  

I have been experiencing deep sadness.  The old is dying and I am glad, but does it have to be so painful?  I have nothing to go by other than my internal compass.  Everyone around me is living in the old world.  I am transmuting so many survival issues.  I don't blame them for wanting to live in the matrix.  At least they are not tormented as I am.  They have something they can count on.

I may have to spend Christmas the traditional way.  There was no room at the inn and Jesus was born in a stable.  I may end up living in my son's truck.  It seems that the universe has forsaken me.  I have always kept my chin up but lately my heart has been heavy.

This morning I felt my body being taken apart at the molecular level over and over again feeling the swirling energies and then being put back together. 

Flexibility

I am back to sleeping in the Truck  I didn't want to stay at the Hospitality House any longer and the universe removed me immediately.  I enjoyed staying there, but it was time for a change.  My inner compass already knew that my time there was up and started to pack my things automatically.  My mind had no clue what was going on and so I observed what my body was doing.  The body always knows what's next.

The nurses and doctors want to know where we are going to live once my son gets released from the hospital.  I don't know because at this moment I am fully here.  I don't split myself.  When you split an atom you get the atomic bomb and when you split a human you get a splitting headache, schizophrenia, dysfunction and insanity among other things.  

The body can do anything.  It's the conditioned mind that holds us back.  The more input we can receive from the universe the more flexible we are and the faster life moves.  The mind isn't going to safe us, flexibility will.

To become flexible my foundation keeps being shaken to the core.  It's all about letting go.  I will continue going through hell until I have let go of everything and see everything as neutral.  Letting go looks like I am losing everything.  When illusions fall away its very painful for a moment.

My son is trying to find a solution to our 'dilemma'.  He is not there yet to wait for what shows up naturally.  No solutions can come from the mind because life is too complex for the mind to handle.  Life is complex, not difficult. 

The universe will not give us things that reinforce our illusions.  When I am emotionally ready for the next step it shows up.  There is always so much that I have to release before I can accept what shows up because the universe never gives me what I want.  If I get what I want I will go deeper into the illusion.

You don't need money. You need sanity.

Contrasting energies are showing up.  For every high there is an equal low.  I have been experiencing some form of insanity every other day.  It's part of the awakening.  You will lose your mind.  What makes you insane also makes you sane.

You don't need money.  You need sanity, which exists in the present moment only. The mind has a story for why the present moment shouldn't be the way it is, why the present moment needs to be meddled with.

The ego doesn't see the perfect order of things.  The ego is the only requirement to destroy everything.  That's why advancements in medicine cannot be made.  The ego in a fully functioning body that never gets sick, old or weak would be disastrous.  Being feeble keeps the ego in check.

My friend died of impatience.  She didn't wait for what shows up naturally.  Instead of listening to her body she listened to her mind and had the bone marrow transplant because she wanted to go back to her former active life.  We can't go back to the patriarchal way of living.  It is not who we are.

In the new energy everything is free.  We don't need to work for things, nor be deserving or worthy of them.  We can't have any judgment about how things come into our life.  I have to accept what shows up and the way it shows up.  If there is shame in receiving handouts, it has to be transmuted.  We have to be neutral about everything.  The mind can't have any stories, it's all made up.

That which is observed changes

Ever since my son came out of the coma he has been recovering incredibly fast.  I can feel the energies rearranging themselves and when I see him there is always something new that has developed with him.  All I ever do is observe.  I don't meddle, I don't plan, I don't have an agenda, I stay neutral.

I slept in the truck for 11 nights and today I was given a free room at the hospitality house for the next 7 days.  Groups come to the hospitality house to cook for the residents.  The pantry and refrigerators are always stocked.  The air at the hospital is very dry and regular water does not quench my thirst.  There is a store nearby that sells alkaline water that keeps me hydrated.  I have joint pain off and on.   Again, I am observing it, not trying to do anything about it.  This too is in perfect order.

Everything is provided for.  All I do is step into that space.  Presence does not exert energy.  That's how I was able to deal with everything that happened during the month of November.  My dad died, my best friend died, my son was in an accident and almost died, his dad had 3 surgeries and would have died had he not already been at the hospital; and I had to pack up the house and move the stuff to a temporary place.   Never once did I have a 'to do' list.  I make sure I always breathe fully and relax into my body, never using my mind to figure things out.