The language of Light

When you perceive the energy in everything, the vibrational makeup, then you can decipher the language of light and you will live accordingly.  

You will never listen to your mind again. The mind is like the court jester, here for entertainment only and not to be taken seriously, certainly not to seek advice from.

Everything bends to you.  Places and time adjust to fit you.  I don't know how the next place is going to fit me, how it's going to be different from what has been and how it's going to show up.

When you live in the present moment you are the portal.  You are the doorway to all worlds.

Total Transformation

Transformation by Victor Bregada
The flowers are really butterflies

I don’t recognize myself at all.  I have been going through a tremendous transformation, the metamorphosis of the butterfly.   I am hurting terribly.

The life between the caterpillar and the butterfly are drastically different.  The caterpillar moves slowly upon the earth, is fat and heavy.  The butterfly is light, flying with a body that has little resemblance to the caterpillar. The DNA of the caterpillar and the butterfly are totally different. The agony of that transformation alone and to survive it without knowing where it’s going, where nothing of you is left, but a brand-new creature emerges, physically, emotionally, on every level possible.  You die and you come back as something else. 

Had I become the butterfly sooner I would have left this environment a long time ago.  My new life will be drastically different, unrecognizable from what it is now.   

Every day is filled with preparation so that I can step out of this place into my new world.  I still don't know where I am going.

My home as I know it is crumbling away from under my feet.  The present moment is becoming my home.

Endings run deep - Part II

I am either a fool or quite advanced because both look the same.   Am I taking this too far by waiting for what shows up naturally? 

My mind cannot comprehend this at all.  This is not how people are supposed to behave.  You are supposed to be responsible. 

When under fire do you listen to the universe or do you listen to your mind to bail you out?

In the world of illusion that which appears sane is insane and that which appears insane is sane.

My mind is retrieving everything it knows about having to leave without a place to go to, and it's all horrible. My mind is taking me places I don't want to go.  Horrible places.  As the day progresses it keeps getting worse.  I want this to stop.  My mind is painting a horrible picture.  I am being taken deeper and deeper into the hell of what is to become of me.  It's a cruel journey.  Eckhart Tolle never writes about that. 

I can't do this.  I have gone through this so many times but this time I can't handle the fear of not knowing where I am going.

And than suddenly after working through these fears stillness returns and I am at peace.  The present moment became my home again where I am safe and taken care of.

Then my daughter arrives and it is as being plugged into a high voltage tower.  This was the best visit ever.  We talked about things that arose out of stillness.  It was invigorating.

People have headaches because their minds carry everything.  They are always trying to figure out what to do and how to organize it all.

If people could just leave children alone children would develop to exist.  Almost everyone is a product of a system that makes you disappear.

Endings run deep

My son found a house and is moving out at the end of the month.  I on the other hand don't know where I am going.  My mind is plummeting down into its pit of the patriarchal cellular memories and is coming up with all kinds of horror stories, i.e. I will end up at a shelter. 

My place hasn't shown up yet so that I can release everything that is blocking me from moving forward.  I am releasing the old so that the new can show up.  To the mind there is only one solution, when you don't have any money you are out on the street.

I have to stay in the present moment and attend to whatever shows up at that moment.  I can't reach into the future and prepare for something that is coming from the mind.   This is very hard because I am a breath away from being out on the street, but right now I am here having a roof over my head.

Nothing ever shows up until the last moment because until then you are still dealing with all the energies of release.  The new cannot show up until the old is released. 

I am hurting horribly.  There are times I can't stop weeping.  There is so much coming up. 

The most wonderful thing is that the universe is supporting me.  My daughter is coming to visit tomorrow for a few days.  When I need my children most they are here for me. 

My son is ready to live on his own and I am very happy about that.  My kids get to witness how I am dealing with life outside the patriarchy.  To them it will seem nuts to not prepare by running around feverishly getting things done. 

The mind projects things into the future looking at the situation at hand: I have to move out by the end of the month and there is no place to go.  The mind reacts to this with panic, upset, worries, fear, horrible outcomes. 

If I worry about the future I will miss the wonderful time I am going to have being with both my children.  And that's what I am looking forward to.  Who cares what happens at the end of the month.  When the time comes this too shall be taken care of.  Only this moment exists and I have to be fully in it.

I have no car, I live in the country, no phone, no money.  All of these are handicaps to the dysfunctional patriarchal mind.   But the universe birthes each moment out of nothing, out of stillness.  We'll see what the universe is going to birth for me.

I am stillness

Butterflies mean change, the dance of joy

Messages from Nature: 

I saw 2 butterflies sitting on the ground.  What a massive amount of transition this tiny creature undergoes.  Consider for a moment the kind of energy this expends.  If a human were to go through this kind of change we’d freak out!   Imagine the whole of your life changing to such an extreme you are unrecognizable at the end of the transformation.

My long, hellish down spiral has been rewarded with the deep inner knowing that I am stillness.  So much more space is available to me that I experience bliss and aliveness.  At the same time things are speeding up at such rate it takes my breath away.

I had the realization that I have to climb out of the life my personality wants.

For the past 5 months we had 4 people living with us.  They were here so that my mind could create new pathways as I observed their behaviors.  My buttons were pushed over the limit and the result was rage and fury, which I didn't act on, only observed it.  My patterns were dismantled like dynamite.  I am glad I am not the person I was 5 months ago.

Yesterday the last one moved out and my body processed the wake these people left behind.  I never let them pull me into their world of illusion but always did exactly what my gut told me to do.  I gave them nothing. 

One of them had a dog.  We bought dog food and still he wouldn't take care of his dog, he didn't feed him nor give him water.  Asking him to feed his dog didn't change his behavior.  One of the other guys got on his case, still, he neglected the dog.  Words don't change anything.   Its the invisible energetic exchanges between people that are the driving force in relationships.  The neighbor and I took care of the dog.

The present moment holds life itself.   People who evade the present moment will always have problems because Armageddon resides outside the present moment. Illusion, death and destruction, aging, disease, all of these live outside the present moment.  The universe will not support us in our illusions, you are on your own. 

The tremendous power of space

My personality went through another death experience and I was shown in an instant that this is necessary, that the domesticated personality is not who I am and in order to have a life my personality, the illusionary idea of myself, has got to go.

So I went down to the pit of death again.  I am ok with it.  I have no choice.  No illusion will ever run my life again. 

When I came out of it I noticed that I had more space available and that there was tremendous power in that space.  I experienced the power of stillness, there is nothing stronger than that.  Everything is born out of stillness, out of nothingness.

If you are looking for a solution than you perceive that there is a problem.  Discussing problems strengthens them.   Create the space where problems can't exist.  Space has the highest vibration.

There is a reason an atom is 99.99% space and only .01% matter.  Were it the other way around we would be right no target.  We would accomplish everything by doing more.

Do nothing and accomplish everything.

When you exist in this space you never create any problems.  It is the space of bliss.

Everything that keeps me from living in that space is being brought up to be transmuted.  My buttons are being pushed over the limit so that my system can be reorganized at a higher level.  I am beyond rage and fury at times.  But this is what it takes to bring up everything that isn't me and let it go.

Unmasked

My personality went through another death experience.

People resuscitate their personalities on a daily basis when they are supposed to be left for dead.   Their personalities are always on life support of mental chatter and activities that keep them busy so that they don't notice anything about themselves, so that they can keep pointing the finger, so that they can keep solving problems that exist in their minds only, so that they won't notice the pain that lives within them, so that they can have a shallow existence. 

You can't outrun it.   It's there every moment.   The next moment won't start until you have died.   You don't get to take anything with you.   The grim reaper is always waiting.  You won't have a life until you die. 

People who haven't experienced death often are full of themselves.  They are blinded by their egos to help humanity, make a difference.  People hide behind charities and good deeds.   Cut that crap.   You aren't helping by helping. Your involvement only keeps the problem alive.

I can't live a lie.  I can't participate in niceties anymore.  It's robbing me of my energy.

Abandonment

There is only inward movement.   The patriarchal mind teaches us to move outward, forward, reach for something outside ourselves and abandon ourselves.  

Whatever shows up should not cause us to abandon ourselves but move us inward towards ourselves. 

We were forced to abandon ourselves at an early age, to not trust our instincts but belief whatever the mind concocts. 

You move outward because your personality wants to stay in control, which is an illusion.   

I am learning to trust my body without the involvement of my mind.  The body knows everything there is to know.   I don't use my mind to prepare for anything.  

The fight and flight era is over.   We can now go home into our bodies where it's safe.   When there is danger our bodies alert us, but the mind always talks us out of it.  

I have heard of women who were kidnapped, each one was given warning signs but they didn't listen.   One woman was approached by a stranger in the parking lot wanting to know the time.  Her body told her to run.   She didn't run but let her mind talk her out of it: 'Oh, he just wants to know the time.'   She second guessed herself and was kidnapped.  

The body is always right, the mind often overrides it.

Kids have incredible instincts but their parents will rob them of it.

Without the mind life is easy. 

Any action should come from the body and not from the mind.  Actions coming from the mind require effort and limit your breathing.  Actions coming from the body are effortless and will not compromise your breathing. 

The raging storm inside

Do you know how horrible it is to be taught to never express yourself, to always have decorous social behavior and than on your way to wholeness you have to deal with this immense rage that is hidden away.

Over the years I have dealt with anger, but never like this.   I want to destroy everything in my path.   I hate it, but it has to come out.

I don't act on it when people are around.   I have been throwing things against the walls.   This place looks like a disaster zone anyway. 

There is a hurricane raging in me and I feel badly about it because we are not supposed to get angry.   When this is over I will be a freer person, I may even look different and certainly act different.   I will be more available to myself and others.

I know one thing for sure, I can never again wear the social mask that has been forced upon us.

It feels uncomfortable going through this transition to the true me.   Coming out of hiding is uncomfortable.

Doing what you love

Being in the moment is overrated.  People think they can keep their patterns while being present with what they are doing.

Being in the moment doing what you love, that's not how it goes.   Doing what you love belongs to the personality.   To enter the present moment you will go mad because the personality is in the way of being present.   The personality has to die before you can enter the present moment because the present moment is not tainted, it's not a repeat of previous moments.  Thus the experience of madness, because the old doesn't want to die.

I have been raging against the universe.  I can take no more.  I need a physical change, away from here.  The lease is out in less than 4 weeks.  I don't know what's going to show up and how it's going to show up.

Your mind is using you



The density of your thinking not only slows you down but has you living in a frozen world that exists in your mind only.  You attend to each thought as if it's real when in fact it's all illusion.  When the density of your mind lightens up you will notice the flexibility of life.

Flexibility is a blessing and a curse.  Things speed up energetically while slowing down physically.  You always have to wait for what shows up naturally instead of acting on it with your patterned responses.  No patterns allowed.     

In each moment the universe is always right.  The divine doesn't ask us for our opinion nor do we have free will.   Only the personality needs the illusion of free will and choice.  No one is getting out of this alive.  Our personalities are dying.  Not understanding this makes this transition especially difficult. 

People hang on to their false identifications and you can't tell them that this isn't who they really are.   Setting humanity free is an almost impossible job.  People live in their own captivity, yet their minds won't let them see this.  Everything they know and do is to keep the personality alive.

Chaos

The universe is massive  chaos.  The mind wants order.  That's where the conflict is.  The mind can't deal with chaos.  That's why you need your body to do the work.  The body knows everything, the mind knows nothing.  Let your body carry what your mind can't.

One of our roommates died 2 days ago of drug overdose.  That's why I felt so horrible the day before.  My body was preparing me to deal with the sheriff, the ambulance, the parents and everyone else involved in this.

When I feel horrible I feel the emotion I am having to the end degree.  I go all the way down with it until it turns on its own and than I rise effortlessly to the top. 

If I interrupt it on the way down than I can only go up as high as I went low.  But when I go to the bottom of the low I will rise to the top of the high.  

If I interrupt my emotional down spiral than there are still blocks that haven't been touched; and I need to touch every blackness there is, root it out of my system so that there aren't any blocks.  Any darkness left is a block that will get me later.  

I do a clean sweep by not interrupting the emotions I am having.  When I allow it to turn on its own the upside will show up effortlessly, like being carried up in an elevator.

People interrupt their emotional down spiral with drugs, alcohol, activities, etc. because they think there is something wrong with them, that they need to feel up all the time.  You can't have one without the other.  Get used to the hellish downside.

Solutions

I feel horrible.   It's one of those things that can't be figured out.   I am allowing it knowing that tomorrow is another day.  

I don't understand anything and that's good.   Things don't work out the way I want them to, but they work out the way they must.

Problems are illusions.   If you try to solve them you make them real.   If you are looking for a solution you have accepted that there is a problem.

We are wild and free

The mind wants a structured life, the body wants freedom. 

The Law of Attraction will not get me more things.  I attract everything I judge and repel.  That alone is hell which I cannot escape, I have to face it.  Everything I hate comes to me to set me free.

We are wild and free.  Our social conditioning has domesticated us to where we hate our bodies.   We are forcing our bodies into an artificial life and glorifying that life, calling the rest of the world savages.

The ego is such a wonderful flatterer.  It will keep you blind about yourself.  It will not let you see your own dysfunction.

Our bodies hold the map out of the prison of the mind.  We can trust our bodies to show us the way, yet people rely on their minds.

Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing expecting different results. 

Reorganization

My threshold was too low to handle my life.  My system reorganized itself at a higher level.   The events in my life pushed me over the edge so that my old map of dealing with things could be replaced with a new map.  However, it didn't last long.  I am back to being pushed over the edge again.  This will continue at ever greater intervals.  In other words, my life sucks.

 Ilya Prigogine's theory on system reorganization explained.

Change in direction

The beauty of the body

I have entered new territory, something I don't know anything about.  

I don't belief that meditation results in calmness.  I belief you have to boil over before you can reach calmness.   People meditate but when meditation is over they are still the same asshole they were before.

How can you become still by sitting still and concentrate on your breath?  Where is the paradox in this?  All the shit that is in you has to come up before you can be still.

The universe is in charge of this evolutionary process and not the mind.   I am losing my mind.  I have to wait this out and see where this is going.  I am a fish out of water.

When people speak they are reporting on an illusion in their heads.

Because the universe moves at warp speed I say very little.  By the time I am done talking things will have changed zillions of times and I will have missed everything.  I am more in a state of observing what shows up energetically.  I rely on my body to give me accurate readings rather than on my mind which holds no truth.

Confinement

We had different people living with us for the past three months.   It has taken its toll on me.  I've been pushed over the edge.

The latest 18 year old guy moved in, than came his dog who I ended up taking care of because he won't, and now his girlfriend is also living here.  He takes the truck without permission and without having a driver's license, there are other things.  The old me would have shown them the door, enough is enough, but in the new energy I have to wait and see what the universe is trying to show me. 

I want to break out of this confinement.  This is bringing up a lot of stuff.

The universe loves speed

I thought the equinox would bring relief.  It didn't.   Everything is more chaotic, things happen quicker.

Last Monday we got another car.  Just as quickly as it came into our lives it was taken away after only 6  days.  Yesterday my son drove it to see his grandparents.  It broke down, something with the transmission.  It took 9 hours to get it back here.  I don't think it will get fixed.  The car served it's purpose, we no longer need it.   Something else will show up.

Things come and go so fast because I am now able to live at that speed.  I needed a car, it appeared,  now it's gone, apparently I don't need a car right now.  I think it's because I have to chill at home to get ready energetically for the move to wherever.

In the past 3 months people have moved in and out, some paying rent, others staying for free.  We now have 2 young guys and a dog staying with us.  Each one has their unique energetic imprints and I always have to adapt to them because they can't adapt to me.  They are frozen like the rest of the patriarchal mind population who can only perceive their little world that they were forced to create.  When I have gotten what I need they move out instantaneously without much ado and someone else takes their place.  The universe loves speed.

My capacity for life has increased through emotional releases of everything that is not my true Self.  It has and still is the cruelest journey of all.  Releasing fears, terror, insanity and limitations is as bad as it gets, but it also makes me a very strong person.  I would not be able to live like this if it weren't so.  I constantly have to adapt.

Sometimes I feel sick because of so much happening.  I get just enough time to stabilize before the next thing shows up and I never know what that might be, it's always a surprise.   This moment prepares me for the next.

Uncomfortable magic

Doing nothing is better than doing something.  Doing something requires undoing.  I do nothing and accomplish everything.

Living in the present moment takes nerves of steel.  You can't add anything to it.  If you add more or the wrong items to a recipe it will taste horrible.  And so it is with life, if you add something it will be horrible.

Life is changing to give us what we need and not what we want.  What we need is always the super perfect expression of freedom from the patriarchal mind. 

Energetically I am no longer here.  We are moving out by May 17th.  Where we are going I don't know.  My son thinks that he is going to move in with a friend.

The universe knows that we are ready for this move.  My mind says this is way over my head.  From experience I know that the next place will be magical as was this one even so I didn't see it in the beginning.  I thought this was the worst place on earth.  I am grateful for all the experiences we had here and the great care and love with which they were delivered.

No Agenda

Our yard looks like a redneck's paradise.  My son collects a lot of stuff and it's all over the place.   The landlord wants it cleaned up.   Good luck with that one.   I am not telling my son what to do, we don't have those kinds of conversations.  

The landlord has a problem with the yard, he wants it to look differently.  His insanity is none of my concern.   I can't force my body to clean it up.   Even picking up an empty beer can from the ground is too heavy when it's not meant to be.  In the world of illusion this seems insane, but in reality this is the sanest thing there is.  

In the world of illusion people force their bodies to get things done.  All force is ignorance.  When the mind tries to override the body's wisdom the body will make you sick or find other ways to stop you.  That's why there are so many diseases, it's the result of insanity.

I don't have an agenda.  Life arises out of stillness and not out of an agenda.  Whatever I do, I do without my mind.  Things don't get done when the mind decides it.  Things get done when the body decides it.

My son is doing what he is supposed to, filling up the yard with more stuff.  I could talk to him about cleaning it up until I am blue in the face, it wouldn't work, he cannot not do what he is doing.

Reality is:  The yard looks the way it does.  I can't change that.  All force is ignorance.  I have to accept 'what is'.