The Gift

Today is my birthday.  I received a gift that I would have despised in the past.

I am having a horrible day.  Cellular cleaning days are hell!  But in order to make room for my new life I have to release attachments and patterns. Understanding this makes it easier.  Otherwise my mind would have a field day bombarding me with images of despair, sorrow, the end of my life. 

A lot of internal rearranging is going on, cords are being cut.  Before massive changes there is massive death. 

When new energy comes in there is no way to go back to the old, but the old has to be released and that's wherein the cruelty lies.

I don't have to figure out the next step.  There is nothing to act on, nothing I need to do.  Just let it wash through me hitting every uncomfortable note on it's way out.  I will come out of this.  The sun will shine again and the journey will be so much sweeter.  I just can't see that right now.  It hurts like hell.

Nerves for Living

The dismantling process is over.  It’s getting easier.  I look back and I laugh.  Why was I so afraid throughout this entire journey.  It was only shadows.  Now that the light is shining on it I see that there is nothing to be scared off.

I flow faster.  As soon as I am done with one experience the next shows up.  I do less, yet each experience shows me more because my capacity to feel sensations has increased.  It is essential not to live from the mind.  My mind is not leading.   I still go very, very deep into the abyss.  But those times don’t last as long and the upside is so wonderful.  I don’t exactly welcome the downside, but that’s where I need to go to get me higher.  It’s like a catapult.  I go inside first and than I soar without effort.  If you want to stand tall, slouch first and it’s easier to stand up straight.  It’s the total relaxing and resting into the present that escalate me to higher highs.

Rage is still there, but it’s short-lived, and I am not afraid of it.  An incredible sweetness is showing up on the other side.  I am not as frozen with emotion.  Still defrosting, I am shown truth that I would not have been able to bear in the past.  Letting go of attachments isn’t easy.  Truth is heresy.

I never know how I show up.  My ego and patterns have held me back.  They cost me everything.  It’s a constant letting go and dying often.  I am used to it now.  I don’t get to hold onto anything.  I don’t know who I Am.  When I am certain of something it changes.  The emptier I am the more I am filled with joy.    There is a dance between heaven and hell, the contrast between soaring high and getting smashed against the cliff.   Each moment comes to life and dies, never to return.

That’s where I am now, still in transition of letting go of deeper illusions.  Steve Davis who wrote “Butterflies are free to fly” lives in constant joy.  I am not there yet.  I am following his model until it’s being replaced with something else.  I am experiencing more joy than ever.  The lengthy, gut wrenching, not having a clue what’s going on, is OVER.

Last year I thought my life was over.  I now see so many possibilities, but only if I let go of carrying it. There is enough light in me where everything is making sense.  I only have energy for the things I am supposed to do.  I get stressed quickly when my patterns want to take over.  Planning, arranging, thinking, figuring things out, drain me instantaneously and make me sick.  I have become so light that I can’t hold onto anything, not even thoughts.  I still have them, but they are just clouds, coming and going.   

I still don’t have any income.  My 21-year old son is providing for me.  Something I have been battling with for a long time.  It won’t change until I fully accept it, and than it won’t matter.  I let go of the attachments to my kids and it has brought us closer.   I stopped trying to change things.  They change through me observing what they bring out in me.  I feel more and deeper.

I am very homesick to visit Germany this year.  We don’t have the money to go.  It’s never about the finances.  It’s about letting go of my patterns, not carrying anything, and not letting my mind override the wisdom that runs my life.  The logistics are always taken care off.  They are none of my concern.  All I have to do is show up and play.  It takes nerves to live that way.  Believing is seeing.

I am not a victim of the outside world.  There is no out there out there. My neighbors are asses sometimes but they have no choice.  They are following a script for me.  Anything that gets my goat gets delivered until it no longer matters.  That’s the journey to freedom. When my internal world changes the outer world follows suit.  Sometimes I wished I had money so I could run away to a better place but it wouldn’t be better because I would still be the same.  This place has the perfect arrangement for me to face everything right here, right now. 

No Decisions

A safety net had to be built before I was able to comprehend the magnitude of the above quote by Michael Singer.  It resulted in a huge chunk of fears, ego and patterns falling away.   The safety net is built through experiences which then enables the letting go of tremendous amounts of conditioning.

No more decisions to be made.  It frees me from the burden of having to keep track of everything, of never being here.  Reality supports me.   The mind wants to mess with reality.

Thoughts are programs running in the background, blinding me to what's really going on.  The entire society is sitting in my space wanting something from me.  Everything in duality is false.  Truth is heresy in the dream state.

I am what's going on.  'Accepting what is,'  I can't do that.  I am not able to accept what's going on because 'nothing' is going on. The universe is nothing, just empty space with a tiny bit of matter.

It's my perceptions that screw me up.

Further

Slow down, breathe, slow down even more.

I didn’t want to go deeper.  I didn’t want to face more fears.  I didn’t want to lose even more.  I allowed the discomfort and went through the sound barrier.  A new way of Being opened up.

I can no longer ignore me.  The sensations in my body are real.  I live in all possible extremes.

Society wants me to live hard and fast.  The more I slow down the faster I am.  What a great paradox.  I trust my body and I am presented with a different kind of life.  The body is so much faster than the mind.  I am in the flow.  Things are starting to work again, but not the way they used to.  My patterns don’t work here.  I don’t get to take anything with me.  With every breath I lose my conditioning.  With every breath I give up the known. 

Every moment is created out of nothingness.  Going into the unknown empty handed, this moment prepares me for the next.  It’s not so scary any more.  The ground work has been laid. Only when I feel safe can I let go of control and go deeper into my body.

Whenever I slow down I go through withdrawals at first.  I don’t want to become emptier.  My mind can’t handle that.  It’s exactly that empty space that increases my capacity to contain life.

I am more in my body, less in my mind.  With every breath I feel more subtlety. Like an atom subtlety is minuscule yet has such power.  My walls are coming tumbling down, yet I have boundaries.  There are all these paradoxes showing up in my life.

      

The Chiseling Away of Illusion

This is what it feels like

Billions of new pathways have been created in my mind through experiences and opposing thoughts so that I never know where I stand, where I don't know ahead of time what decisions to make, where I don't have a clue of the outcome.  It keeps me anchored in the present.

There is a tendency to think and try to figure things out.  It can't be figured out. Thinking is being replaced with feeling.

My mind is like a fish out of water.  Not quite used to its new function.  There aren’t any problems.  I pay more attention to the sensations in my body than what my mind fabricates. 

I don't direct my attention, it directs me.  Attention always knows where to go.  It’s too much pressure to think that I am in control of anything.  I am here to relax and enjoy.  There is nothing I need to do.

For years there hasn’t been a lot of variation, I have been stuck on the same thoughts, making my life miserable, always hoping something would change on the outside.  Only the inner world is changing.  I am being squeezed even more, living at the perpetual edge but with so much more availability.

I applied for food stamps.  It derailed me big time.  I processed all attachments until it felt neutral.  Now they are telling me that I am not eligible.  The pendulum is swinging from one extreme to the other and now I get to process the opposite until it won't matter whether I get food stamps or not, until I no longer even give it a thought where my sustenance comes from.

To the mind everything matters.  It is trying to hang on to something and when that is gone it feels like the end of the world when in reality it gives greater flexibility. 

If you can't go on that's where you decided to stop.

If you get what you want you go deeper into the illusion.

I am always losing everything.  Everything dies completely before the next shows up and that too has to go.  Nothing stays for long.  I resist what I don't want.  What if I could move through anything without resistance.

I feel safe in the present moment.

It you know what's going to happen, that's illusion.

Nothing is real

The outer world isn't real.  There is no out there out there. 

I am in awe of what my life has become.  Nothing in the outer world has power over me.   I am not fighting against the outer world, a war that can't be won.

The thing that needs to change is NOT out there.

We are not dependent on each other.  Everyone has their own hologram.  You get different stories of the same event.   My neighbor said last Summer was very hot.  To me it was pleasant.   She had her Summer and I had mine. Recalling my mother's funeral, my aunt insists that I picked a yellow carnation out of a bouquet when in fact I picked a red rose off the street that someone dropped.   Two totally different stories of the same event.

Morpheus from the Matrix: "What is real?  How do you define real? Electrical signals interpreted by the brain."

Michael Talbot:  What is out there is a vast ocean of waves and frequencies. Reality looks concrete to us only because our brains are able to take this holographic blur and convert it into the sticks and stones and other familiar objects that make up our world.

Amit Goswami:   This is the only radical thinking that you need to do.  But it is so radical - so difficult - because we tend to believe that the world is already out there, independent of our experience.  It is not.  Quantum physics is so clear about this.

Heisenberg, co-discoverer of quantum physics:  "Atoms are not things; they're only tendencies."  (possibilities).

Emotions keep me hooked to the outer world, events, places, things, people.   Feeling enlivens me while emotions keep me stuck. There is a difference between feeling and emotions.  An emotion is an attachment while feeling is a sensation, a full-body massage.    I have billions of sensations in my body.

As I let go of my attachments I become sensational (sensing my body); electricity going through my body. And these sensations change me.  It's not a mental process.  We are energy.

The road to freedom

You cannot not do what you are doing.  Try not doing what you are doing.  Now you can stop beating yourself up that you should have done something differently.

You never deeply relax into your body because you think if you don't do something you are going to be stuck or worse you are going to lose everything.  And you will lose everything that isn't you.

I always have the right amount of money.  The mind thinks it's never enough.  I find it's always plenty.  Living on the edge that isn't there.  If you fall off the edge you fall into possibilities.  The center poses as the false security.  Staying in the center keeps you 'stuck', which is also an illusion.

No place has more possibility than any other place.

Jumping into the unknown empty-handed.  Everything that's known is illusion, a memory of something that was true once.  There is no repetition in the universe.  We are new each moment but people don't notice it.  Every time we do the same task, its never the same task.

Congruence makes for a friendly universe, when what I think is going on matches what's really going on.

Preferences keep me stuck.  I can't prefer one thing over another.  I have to love everything equally, otherwise I will avoid the downside. The way to move through unpleasantness is to feel it fully.  I have been dealing with full-blown rage in the privacy of my home and I welcome it.  When I go out in public I no longer apologize for my existence.  The truer me is coming out.  And now I notice the hidden rage in people.  Because its taken care off in me it doesn't scare me in others nor can they bring it out in me.

If you know what's going to happen next, its illusion.   People are afraid to wait for what shows up naturally so they grab what they know so that they can feel 'safe'.  Repetitious thinking.  Every thought is a distortion.  Thoughts don't match reality.   The mind is quite disagreeable.  I do something and the mind says: "You should be doing something else."  Or somebody says something and immediately advice is given.  The mind is a stimulus response machine.  I am being liberated from my thinking by getting smaller, by living at the level of atoms.  Only what exists right now in this moment.  Nothing else is real.  There is nothing I need to do today.  To the mind this is absurd:  how am I going to survive?  For many years I asked myself this question: 'How am I going to provide for myself by Being?'  The universe does all the providing.

I have no control over my attention and I wouldn't want to.  I would lose the wisdom of my attention.  I can't be trusted with important things.  The purpose of attention is to make everything irrelevant that gets into it.  We think what gets into our attention is important.  We have it backwards. Making what's in our attention relevant makes for a very small world. 

I have become vast by releasing everything that shows up in my attention.  I am lighter.  Anything I hold on to weighs me down. Holding on requires effort, which I no longer have.  I move into myself first and relax, because there is no out there out there.

When things get tough, always perceive you have a choice and never take it, that's the present.  This is a seemingly cruel process but I find I am being liberated from my own little hell.

Being in the body is imperative.

My son is on the road weeks on end.  He came home for 3 days, which were amazing.

After he left I was sitting in the energy he left behind, unable to think, not wanting to think, moving deeper into myself.

My mind doesn’t know where to go and there is so much to feel.  Old pathways are closed off.  I have to be extra gentle with myself, not doing anything until any doing arises on its own.

I will sit in this massive, massive energy of doing absolutely nothing. My mind isn’t going to direct me into anything. Being in the body is imperative.  The body is the map.  You can't trust the mind, but you can trust the body.  Relax into the body.

This is something the mind will fight, it doesn’t want stillness, it will fight inactivity.  There are no voices condemning me, no approval seeking.  I am ok with nothing. The peer pressure of society can no longer reach me.  I am coming into my own.

Still in training.

This is a process that cannot be understood by the mind.

The people that left my life, many of them are back.  The only place I ever go is back to where I started.  Every time I think I am leaving I am being thrown back into the same old, same old, however, I am no longer the same old, same old.

I need a lot more stimulation.  My energy is like a cyclone.  I no longer vibrate at the same level as the people I know.  They take forever to say something and I interrupt them.  I am not waiting for them to be done with their lengthy stories.  It's like I am a butterfly and they are the slow caterpillar.

Being around the same old, same old is a point of calibration.  I get to see how much I have changed.  I know I can trust the process and there is never a mistake, that my experiences have been carefully selected, that being here is still beneficial. 

I am so bored, I am getting real.  I used to sensor everything I said and did.  Now its like, who the fuck cares.  Its time to play differently.  The only thing that ever changes is me.  The world around me keeps staying the same, but my responses are new.

This reminds me on ground hog day.  He keeps repeating the same day.  My mind is going crazy if I would have to repeat and be stuck in this place, that's why I am finding new ways to be, by being authentic.  The inner has to change first before the outer changes. If the outer changes first, the inner wouldn't change.

I am still having my training wheels on.

I am disappearing into another world

Yesterday everything left.  It felt like the old was gone for good, a massive ending.  The tide went out, receding.

And today the tide came in with a vengeance.  Such a difference in energy.  Turmoil and chaos.

The moment I think I have it figured out it gets scrambled up again. I don't know what to do with it nor what it is about.  I never felt like this before.

The image I am getting is I am standing at the ocean, alone, and the water is moving and turning and I am being swallowed up into another world.  This is the strangest ever.

More than ready but still WAITING

I have outgrown my life.  After spending 3 days with my daughter and her friends I came back to a place that no longer fits.  I was always getting along with the neighbors, but that changed over night.  Is the universe kicking me out?  I don't mind, but when?

People I befriended have already left.  No one would miss me. This is a fork in the road and I can't even imagine what kind of life is awaiting.  I know I need a bigger life.

I don't have to search and seek for anything.  It will fall into my lap when I am completely ready.  Until then I will be cruising in the car with the stereo turned up to the tilt.  I need NOISE, moving sound to drown out this dead space, because something has got to move.

The lives of my children have also been rearranged.  My son is driving an 18 wheeler around the country.  He is moving without moving.  My daughter landed a very part-time job.  Both making just enough to get by and lots of free time on their hands.  We are all waiting.

This feels so done.  

Always perceive you have a choice

I spent 3 wonderful days with my daughter.

You can’t step into the same river twice.  I knew when I returned home I would not go back to the way things were.  The moment I got out of the car my neighbor approached me saying that I am driving too fast and he wants me to slow down.  He is the one who ran over his dog, not me.  Just because he is a lousy driver doesn't make me one.  My body drives the car and I don’t let my mind interfere with it.  If birds had minds they would fly into trees second guessing themselves.  They fly at enormous speed through the woods without crashing into something.  Only the human mind is so stupid wanting to be at the helm of life.  The mind interferes with the speed of life.  We are extremely fast creatures, and that man wants me to slow down?  Not on my watch.

People want me to agree with their fears, opinions and beliefs, to be just like them, slow and dead.  I have given too much blood to the universe to still be part of illusion.  As long as I participate I keep getting the same experiences.

I am cycling through a lot of feelings and my mind is beating me up that I was too harsh with that man in front of his wife and son.  Reality is:  I did what I did because I was supposed to do that. The mind is second guessing.  It doesn't matter what my mind is telling me, the important part is what I am feeling, all the feelings have to come up so that they can be released.  There is a lot to feel and my mind is coming up with the worst, that he may call the police or talk to my landlord. 

Staying here has become unbearable.  I am being squeezed from all sides. Always perceive you have a choice and never take it, that’s the present.  I would like to move in with my daughter. I can't bear the thought of sticking it out here.  My mind needs a place to go to.  My body doesn't.  If I run from it the same situation will be waiting at the new destination. 

When time changes.

Weird and strange is an understatement.  I don't know if anyone else is feeling this.

There is only Now.  Before I was able to live in the Now I knew where I stood. Nothing much changed because my mind was filled with the same old, same old; my patterns were the filter for me to see only certain things.

Many of the filters have been removed and I see things I have never seen before.  That's what makes it so strange.  I am in the same location, doing the same things, yet feeling like an alien.  I used to look to the outer world for validation but now the inner world has taken over and I feel new things.

Quantum physics states that everything is energy, in a vibrational state until observed.  I am vibrating all fucking day long.  I can really feel that everything is energy and everything is happening at the same time, blinking in and out, which gives it the illusion that things are moving, but they aren't.  

I see people living in houses and I see them gone.  I see the tree and I see it gone.  All the stages of a tree's life are happening at the same time.  Time is an illusion so that we see the events spread out and not happening all at once. Time is changing and that's why I am seeing this.  It's really freaky when something is there and its not there at the same time.

The landlord came by and I kept staring at him.  He looked 20 years younger. He is young and old at the same time and I got to see what he looked like when he was younger.

Trust the inner world.

I fell apart, died metaphorically, and came back resurrected (till the next time).  It went deep and quick.  

The universe wants me to be free and to have it all, but there are fears and unworthiness which block such freedom and its sabotaging me.  'You mean, I don't have to work for any of this?'   Conceptually I know this, but when it comes to living it, that's another domain.  I don't get to decide where my sustenance comes from.

All this time I thought the universe was out to get me, withholding money, barely scraping by, nothing working out, when in fact it is here to set me free from these illusions.  Now I am grateful and a bit shaken, proving this theory on a bigger scale.

The ego doesn't want to die.  Every time the ego has to retreat, it comes up with horror stories, like when I was told to let go of the kids.  It doesn't mean to let go of them physically as I erroneously thought, but to let go of them emotionally.  Emotions have been programmed into us by a needy society.

I am visiting my daughter this weekend and we both are looking forward to it. Neither one of us is forced into a role anymore.  There is no obligation, no advice to give her, just enjoying each others company, neither one of us wanting something from the other. Now we get to have each other without the baggage.

Micromanagement is out.  Discussing who takes out the garbage and who does what chores, that's not even a conversation.  When I ask people for help I get their resistance.   Things get done effortlessly without me asking.  We were conditioned that without thinking about it nothing will get done.  But it does.

My body knows what needs to get done before I become aware of it.  All I have to do is observe my body.  I sit relaxed on the couch until my body gets me up.  My mind would have me run around in a frightened frenzy, trying to please society, the cruel taskmaster, which operates on guilt, shame, lack.   

I used to interrupt the natural flow of things and ended up exhausted trying to get things done my way, in my time.   The universe works like a fine tuned machine where everything is taken care off.  Trust your inner world, it's more real than the outer world. There is no out there out there.

I go back to the stillness, nothingness, emptiness, so that I align myself with what is.  I get what I don't want.  Because what I don't want, that's where I am stuck.

Annihilation - The Cardinal Grand Cross

A very subtle energy is weaving its way into my subconscious.  My mind / ego isn't going to survive this. Death is everywhere, not as violent as in times past, its more a whisper.  I am a cardinal sign, Capricorn, and I am feeling it.

No physical symptoms only mental as if someone is messing with my mind. As if I am in an insane asylum, everyone around me is normal except me and I hope they don't find out.

On April 23 is the Cardinal Grand Cross.  4 planets line up at 13 degrees.  13 is the death card, the card of destruction. The old has to die.

Pluto is in Capricorn.  It forces people to change whether they like it or not.  Pluto rules the underworld.  It means power and intensity.  People power is rising up against the government.

Uranus is in Aries.  Uranus is the planet of change.  Breakthroughs in medicine.

Mars is in Libra.  Mars is the planet of war. It means action.  Mars is in retrograde right now. 

Jupiter is in Cancer.  Jupiter is the great abundance giver.  Jupiter has the power to turn things around.   Jupiter enlarges whatever it touches, whether it’s positive or negative.

The 4 planets make a square.  A square is a challenging aspect.  The 4 planets also oppose each other.  Lots of push and pull.  

Being stripped bare, the new is peaking through.

My mind wants to play it safe. That ship has sailed.

Physically nothing has changed, if anything, things have gotten tighter.  I deal with old things in a new way.  I don't have the energy to keep up with the old ways.  That's why lots of things were dropped.  I didn't drop them, they dropped me and now I can't pick them back up again, they are gone forever.  I have the feeling lots more has to go, being stripped bare so that I can function in a new way.

There is no getting out of it, staying in step with ‘what is,’ no matter how maddening; it’s a slow, senseless and intense process and I have to follow it.  This is my path.

Once the safety net has been built through years and years of hellish experiences, letting go becomes a quicker process, big chunks of the old can be released at once.  I am being freed of so much, and I have no choice in this, I have to let go of everything, and I mean everything, including people.  I am not here to carry them.  I am not here to carry anything.

I feel freedom, but it comes with a price.  I didn't expect having to let go of people.  But that's how society is set up, that you need others.  Only they can set themselves free. The moment they are ready to drop their stories the universe will rearrange itself.  Awareness fixes everything.

Don't leave yourself

I went to the post office, got there too early and had to wait for them to open.  A postal employee was also waiting outside.  I talked to her and it was awkward because I have never left my mind out of a conversation.  I was all in my body.  I came from a vulnerable place.  I looked at her and really saw her.   It was a full body experience.  What if everything could massage you?  Feelings enliven us. (Feelings aren't emotions).

A baby isn't born until the belly of the mother softens.  I am living with a soft belly, relaxing into my body.  Any tension is an indication that I am not trusting.  The mind wants to be in control.  Breathing gets me out of my mind.

  

Going down again

After feeling really good for almost 2 weeks I am going down again. I am not fighting it.  I let my body carry what my mind can't by feeling everything instead of trying to make sense of it or trying to talk myself out of feeling what I am feeling.

No one knows what's going on and whoever says they do, I am not going to take their word for it.  This is a very personal experience and journey.  I am feeling emptiness, death, destruction, nothingness. I don't even have words for it.  In other words, I feel like shit.

I don't have to do anything to get me out of it, only wait for it to turn on its own.  You can only go as high as you can go low.  I take in lower vibrations and convert them into higher vibrations.

Plants are alchemists. 

The following is taken from Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey – hiding in the light, Episode 5 (@ 32:00).

How do the astonishing colors of nature happen?  How do the red’s and the blue’s happen?  Light waves of different lengths from the sun strike the earth.  The pedals of blue flowers absorb all the low-energy, long, red wave lengths of light; but they reflect the shorter, high-energy blue wave lengths.  That interaction between star light and pedal is what makes blue.  The longest waves, the ones we see as red, have the lowest energy.

Only do what brings you joy

Obamacare.  It's mamdatory.  I didn't know it until this morning.  I don't have a penny to go on any health-care plan.  Money comes in to support my sane lifestyle and not fund my fears.

I am not saying people shouldn't have health insurance.  My son's accident cost almost half a million and it was paid for by 2 insurances.  In my case, I am not supposed to have health insurance at this time, which means I have to let go of the fears surrounding not having insurance.  My experiences are here to help me let go of my fears.

The contrast of the outer world is staring me in the face every day to let me see what I have given power to so that I will no longer participate in it.  Than the world becomes a playground rather than a mine field.  

Society condemns self-love. We learned that we aren't good enough.  You have to be gentle with yourself.  No one will do it for you.  

My freedom came through submission.  You can only be as independent as you are dependent.  I had to submit even to my kids, my crazy neighbors, my ex. It made me furious.  Those were the first steps to release my patterns and my ego.  Now I only do what brings me joy.

All cords will be cut.  Letting go of emotional attachments to people, places and things is a bittersweet pill. I said good-buy to a very dear friend.  When something is finished you move on.  You don't get to stick around. 

The old model is based on obligation, neediness, co-dependence, all disguised as love.  The new model seems cold, detached and selfish, but it isn't.

Now the question is, what brings me joy?  That's a new can of worms that's been opened.  My first thought was going on a vacation, flying somewhere. How can I have joy without money.  I want to buy things and that costs money.  THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH MONEY (that's my mind).  Obviously that's not what joy is.

I would like to go ahead, but it would be a patterned go-ahead.  So I wait for what shows up naturally. I landed in a new space which requires a new approach.

Me first

I only get to do what brings me joy.  My body will get sick if I don’t.  Me first.  That's such a new idea.  Things get done.  The universe rearranges itself to accommodate my lighter life.

I was shown that I have to let go of the kids, it felt like the end of the world until I got it.  Letting go of the kids doesn’t mean they disappear from my life.  It means that the relationship has changed.  Society encourages needy relationships, mistaking neediness for love, it’s all drama.  I am getting a glimpse of wholeness.  Coming back to myself takes great courage.