|This is what it feels like|
Billions of new pathways have been created in my mind through experiences and opposing thoughts so that I never know where I stand, where I don't know ahead of time what decisions to make, where I don't have a clue of the outcome. It keeps me anchored in the present.
There is a tendency to think and try to figure things out. It can't be figured out. Thinking is being replaced with feeling.
My mind is like a fish out of water. Not quite used to its new function. There aren’t any problems. I pay more attention to the sensations in my body than what my mind fabricates.
I don't direct my attention, it directs me. Attention always knows where to go. It’s too much pressure to think that I am in control of anything. I am here to relax and enjoy. There is nothing I need to do.
For years there hasn’t been a lot of variation, I have been stuck on the same thoughts, making my life miserable, always hoping something would change on the outside. Only the inner world is changing. I am being squeezed even more, living at the perpetual edge but with so much more availability.
I applied for food stamps. It derailed me big time. I processed all attachments until it felt neutral. Now they are telling me that I am not eligible. The pendulum is swinging from one extreme to the other and now I get to process the opposite until it won't matter whether I get food stamps or not, until I no longer even give it a thought where my sustenance comes from.
To the mind everything matters. It is trying to hang on to something and when that is gone it feels like the end of the world when in reality it gives greater flexibility.
If you can't go on that's where you decided to stop.
If you get what you want you go deeper into the illusion.
I am always losing everything. Everything dies completely before the next shows up and that too has to go. Nothing stays for long. I resist what I don't want. What if I could move through anything without resistance.
I feel safe in the present moment.
It you know what's going to happen, that's illusion.