Wednesday, February 26, 2014

What is illusion?

The higher you go the more you see

Everything contradicts each other.  Truth exists for only a moment and than its gone, it vanishes like a rainbow as you get closer to it the rainbow disappears. If you are far away rainbows are, but if you come nearer they dissolve.  In this world of illusion nothing is certain.

The western interpretation for illusion is ‘unreal,’ which isn’t right.  Shankara says with senses there is no possibility to know whether the thing confronting you is real or unreal.  Illusion means an impossibility to decide whether it is real or unreal.

Everything is just an interpretation of something.  That’s why I make up several contradictory reasons so that I am not stuck in my narrow view and I expand into multidimensionality. Every truth has several contradictory aspects. 

This whole world is confusion, always escaping, always turning into something else.  If you try to understand this illusion, your very effort will confuse you more. Nothing is certain; everything is uncertain; a flux of change, with no possibility to decide whether this or that is true or false. When you see that everything which cannot be decided is illusory, you will automatically turn to yourself. The only point where you can have a center is in your own being. That is certain.

For me the outer world is falling away.  It has no ground, no grip.  I am trusting my inner world.

People build illusion like crazy and when I come in contact with them they whip me with those illusions, trying to get me to join them.  I can’t.  Light carries nothing, not even a speck of dust.  I am dropping illusion like crazy, becoming light-er.

There are always millions of things to do, the chores of the day, which can keep you endlessly busy.   I can no longer do the things I used to do.  My life is so much simpler.  The mind can't understand how things get done if you don't think about them.  They do get done because the body knows what to do.  The body is in tune with reality while the mind is not.  The body flows with reality while the mind constantly tries to talk you out of it.  The mind is programmed not to accept what is.

The child doesn't worry and stays in the moment effortlessly.  Unless you become as a child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Life takes place effortlessly.  Its a matter of trust and not meddling, wanting things your own way.

29 years ago I got married without lifting a finger.  It was a large wedding.  I even moved out into the country for 2 months before the wedding without a phone so that I couldn't be reached.  People put so much effort into planning every detail when in fact it has already all been taken care off. All I had to do is show up.  The universe, God, or whatever you want to call it does all the planning down to the smallest detail. Every person knew what to do.  My new sister-in-law remarked on how calm and collected I was. 

I am shown what I am supposed to do and so is everyone else.  I don't have to convince anyone or manipulate them into doing something for me.  In fact if I bring it up they will resist.  It has to look as if its coming from them, that they came up with the idea. And that's how the universal law works.  Everything gets downloaded into the brain for us to act on it.  

This is my experience and that's why I can go deeper and let go.  My mind isn't torturing me trying to understand how anything can get done without planning it first.

When I moved to the US I had 100 pounds of luggage. It was 6:55 AM when I left the house.  With every step the luggage got heavier as I walked to the train station.  I wanted to leave some of it by the road side, that's where I saw a taxi at the gas station.  I walked up to him and asked if he could give me a ride to the train station.  He wanted to know where I was going.  I said to Frankfurt to catch a plane.  He said that he is from Frankfurt and that he miscalculated the fare for the passenger he dropped off in my town and he was waiting for the gas station to open.  He took me to Frankfurt, a 4-hour drive for the price of the train ticket, which was about $11.00.  I could not have planned this better myself. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

Moving vertically

I moved vertically and when that happens I can't do anything in the physical because all my energy is wrapped up in that vertical move.

Moving vertical is the feminine energy, moving horizontal is the masculine energy.

I've gone so deep that I am totally wiped out.  It also makes it harder for me to go back into my mind so that I can be much gentler with myself and to just Be.

The mind is a brutal place, full of illusion and hanging on to the past trying to recreate the same old. 

This vertical move needed to be balanced and grounded so that I won't go off the deep end and not return to earth for many years.  And so I drove 10 hours to Atlanta and back.  And now I can't go back to the way I was, yet I am grounded.

When I have outgrown my current space I either move vertically, deeper into myself, or horizontally, which is a physical move to a new location or a new physical activity shows up.  That's why I thought I would be moving away from here because I was so done.  But now with this vertical move its impossible for me to move away because I don't have the strength for it.  I need massive rest and massive gentleness.  There seems to be some life coming back to me.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

What's the point?

Too late to walk away
All these pointers and tools and great writings are here to keep us from feeling, are here to help us figure things out.  This is beyond figuring things out.  This is about feeling.

I feel like shit.

Follow your heart, follow your bliss.  WTF is that?

I have studied it all, Zen, Buddhism, religion, poets, philosophers, quantum physics, the laws of the universe.  I am studied out.  Nothing has given me any relief from feeling like shit most the time.

As a species we don't make sense.  So much suffering isn't logical.

The happiest people I know are living in illusion.  I could have stayed there.

Who am I without illusions

When illusion disappears you better be prepared to feel insane because there is nothing recognizable left in life.  I don't know where I belong nor who I am and if there is even a place for me.

Being in the present moment is easier said than done.

The past and future are illusions.  The inner world is more real than the outer world.  The outer world cannot be trusted and is therefore not my guide.  Don't look outside for what is real but look within.

This week has been a very powerful week for change.  I am not the person I was at the beginning of the week.  All the fabrications in my head about my future were mere hallucinations.  And I am finally grasping this.  I dropped so much illusion this week that my head is spinning.

I wanted to be with my twin, it gave me something to dream about, but that is now gone too.  No crutches allowed.

The emptiness and stillness from which everything is born has brought out deeper emotions.  I can't hide nor push anything under the rug.  The raw me is emerging.

With illusions I am insane.  Without illusions I am sane.  However, it feels transposed.  Illusions make me appear sane.

Enjoy your illusions while you can.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Dead men's land

The grim reaper is at it again.  How many times do I have to die and get carried off?

You don't give the button of the atomic bomb to a kid to play with.  I see that I am still a kid, not mature enough to handle the full effects of the new energies.  That's why I am not moving forward.  I am stuck in this dead man's land with stops and goes.  

Something starts and suddenly it fizzles, dead in its tracks, never to be picked up again, and than something new shows up and that too disappears.

It takes maturity to live in the new.  No ordinary person can handle these energies.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Divine feminine and divine masculine

I got my groove back even if just for an hour while driving.  Its the only time I feel fast, furious and alive.  I am a German driver on American roads, used to going at least 110 mph.  I get noticed.  I have to get this deadness out somehow besides listening to loud music.

I woke up angry at myself for being so stupid allowing society to turn me into a piece of shit, a non-existing servant.  When the light gets turned on its hard to turn it off.  I saw clearly where women stand in society.

I didn't want to stand up to my bullying husband (now divorced for 8 years).  It was too hard and too scary.  Grown men confessed that they are afraid of him.  Imagine me having to live with him when the least bit sets him off.  The way he sees women is that they are here to serve him.  Had I given him gold it would still not be enough.  To him I wasn't deserving, therefore he didn't support me financially while I was raising the kids.  He wanted me to go to work, do all the housework, take care of the kids while he was spending all the money on himself.  The moment I had even a penny he wanted it.  To him I didn't exist, so I had to birth myself into existence.

I realize my ex played that role so that I would see where I have given my power away.  And I thank him for that.

For many my life looks problematic.  They expect me to work and do something for society.  I am not DOING SHIT!!

I don't know who the divine feminine is and I won't let others define it for me.  I have to find out for myself.  I am looking forward to a healthy relationship.  This has been hard on men too and I want to know what the divine masculine is.

"For thousands of years what men has done to women is simply monstrous. She cannot think of herself as equal as man. And she has been conditioned so deeply that even if you say she is equal, she is not going to believe it. It has become almost her mind, the conditioning has become her mind, that she is less in everything. And the man who has reduced the women to such a state also cannot love her. LOVE CAN EXIST ONLY IN EQUALITY."  ~Osho.

It says 'men has' not 'men have', just pointing that out, so easy to miss.

Sadly, to be equal, women have become men.  Society is cruel.  To be vulnerable is to be strong.  I can only be as strong as I am weak.

Sunday, February 16, 2014


Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax.  If you relax, it comes.  If you relax, it is there.  If you relax, you start vibrating with it.    ~Osho

This is all about Letting Go

My sons truck has been in the shop for 2 months. It's fixed, but the mechanic moved it to another shop and won't tell us where it is and he won't return our calls.  I want to go to his place with the police but that's not what I am supposed to do.  I am supposed to let it go.  My son is quite calm about it.  I am learning something from him and I have to butt out.

There are so many things I haven't let go off, and its the little things, the ones that are so hard to identify.  They are shown to me now and it feels like death.   This is clean-up time.

I don't want to feel weak or give up more control.  But that's what I am being asked again.  I am going deeper into nothingness.  

Yesterday I felt that my life has ended.  It was a horrifying feeling.

After the grim reaper life has to return.

Friday, February 14, 2014

This place no longer fits me

Has my ship come in?
My neighbor was hauled off in the ambulance to the hospital, she broke her ankle in 4 places.  That's when I realized that I couldn't take it anymore.  The slamming of doors starts at 4 in the morning.  She has a very loud voice and shouts incessantly.  She is one in 10 children and not used to quietness and her dad is hard of hearing.

My body followed suit by throwing up.  I hardly get sick.  When I've had enough I've had enough and there is no more taking any of this.  

A new space arrived.  My son will be going to New Jersey for a week to help his friend with a job.  He also received a call from a trucking company to start a 2-week orientation in Georgia which will decide if he gets hired.

Massive changes are coming our way.  I have outgrown this place and its no longer a fit.  The workings behind the scenes are so deep.  I will have 3 weeks to acclimate to whatever is going to show up.  I feel its going to go very quickly.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


I am being emptied out further.  Is that even possible?  Emptiness is the only door to myself.
For the first time I am relaxing into my being and follow my essential core.

The paradox is that when I am utterly empty I am also utterly full. Only when all the junk is removed from me can I be full of myself.

Monday, February 10, 2014

My broken heart

I can't function anymore.  I've been removed from anything that is remotely alive.  Deep depression has set in.  I don't understand any of this. 

At least I have 2 kids that keep me going.

I am standing at my own grave.  How much more dying before life comes back to me?

Friday, February 7, 2014

My personal f**n groundhog day.

I am so furious, beyond rage.  I am being given a chance to re-experience events that I have given power to.  And I have done that for many years but its still not enough.

I wanted to move on, now I have to face it again.  Zig and zag it goes.  I don’t know where I stand. It feels like I am reliving the same day over and over, and I can’t get out.  I have had enough!!

I am not supposed to do anything except observe whatever comes up.  I can't be pro-active because all my energy is vested in this process, so I am re-active.  I can't be mental about it.  I have to feel it.  Can you hear me scream?

Thursday, February 6, 2014

All I have left is trust.

The roller coaster ride is here to show me where I have given my power away, where I have assigned power outside myself.  Everything has been created for me to see that.

I can't think my way out of this.  I am not to go and try to fix things.  Its impossible.  I don't have the energy for that.  All my energy is taken up by feeling the full effects of each experience.

This morning I got my hopes up when someone wanted to look at our land that we are selling.  They didn't show up.  I go from hope to being crushed, to getting really angry and feeling insane because I have no control.

I have learned to trust this process.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The dead phase seems to be over

It takes too much effort maintaining the person I am not.

It has been one complication after another, nothing moving, dead and void.  Yesterday I seemed to have reached a tipping point.  Suddenly things are moving along at record speed, the energy that is.  I don't know if the material world will follow suit.

We are literally with one foot out on the street.  No worries, whatever we need will show up.

I am in a new space.  Its arrival left me cold, shivering and over the top angry.  I have integrated this over night and feel quite good right now.

Something new is brewing, different from what was before.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Life is intelligent

The form of the Now appears as a limitation.  Surrender to the form (limitation) and you experience yourself.  In the allowing you do not strengthen your own form anymore.  Presence never exerts effort, never resists anything. 
Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.  ~Eckhart Tolle

I am getting used to limitations and am actually embracing them with such gratitude.  My life is scary, but perfect.  This hellish journey is all about love.

To be here fully and not in a state of waiting for something better to show up.  What I do with this moment is up to me and I won't squander it.  I have everything I need, I don't have to look further or seek perfection.  Its all here now and whole.  Nothing is broken, nothing needs to be fixed, only lived, completely and fully embraced.  I can breathe and relax, its all taken care off.