Sunday, June 30, 2013

Chopping onions, carry water

I am in a twin relationship.  We are not together physically.  We met 17 years ago professionally and than parted, or rather, were ripped apart.  That started my painful journey to wholeness.  He came to awaken me.  Fairy tales are twin tales.  The prince awakens sleeping beauty with a kiss.

I have to lose all concepts.  I have to lose everything I know about anything.

I have to come to a state where I am in my body 100% and 0% in my mind.  Where my mind will never make even the tiniest decision.

Where everything I do is driven by my body and I am the observer.  Where my mind doesn't do any planning.  Where I am delighted at what shows up, even if its just chopping onions.

In the morning, who is the one getting me out of bed?  Is it my body or is it my mind.  Will I rest and relax until my body gets up or will my mind override it with a list of things to do and rush into doing them.

I have to come to a state where I am always relaxed, no racing mind, where there is no uptightness in my body and I always breathe fully.  Where I am completely here in the now.
My twin and I will come together in a new way without any concepts.  Like 2 little kids having fun, without any burdens.

We will be like 2 kids playing.  Like the bible says:  Unless you are as a child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Only when I am aligned with the now will the universe and my soul whisper its secrets to me.

I have to be aligned always, not just occasionally.

Chopping wood, carry water. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Turning Point

Solstices are turning points.  For the first 2 days after the solstice I was pissed because I didn't see any changes.  Nothing had changed.

But than I saw it.  The changes were big.  Not in the physical but in the non-physical.  There is so much the mind doesn't 'see'.  Things happen in the non-physical first before they can happen in the physical.  And I saw clearly that I wasn't ready for the physical changes.  The mind always wants things to happen quicker because it doesn't see the energetic implications of even the smallest event. 

You grow in a familiar place.

We came full circle, which means back to the old and familiar, having another go at it.  My son went back to work part time for one month and than full time per doctors orders. 

The mind doesn't cope well when things don't go as planned.  'Delays' give the mind a chance to release things and find new pathways.

When people aren't congruent they don't see their own mess they are creating.  They live in their heads always wanting something other than what they have.   

The mind is always escaping reality, wasting energy on wishful thinking that things were different.  But they aren't different.  They are exactly the way they are.   And nothing can change that.  You will do what you do until you don't.

You cannot not do what you are doing.

Becoming more and more congruent, being more and more here.

There is only one upset, the loss of the present.

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Power of Higher Vibration

The universe protects me from the Matrix people.  Otherwise I would get run over by their blindness and expectations and cruelty.  Yes, hospitality is cruelty.

In this fucked up society, I as a woman am expected to sell myself, prostitute myself to be exact.  Be here for others.

My son's friend is moving to Texas tomorrow.  I won't give him a ride to the airport.  I told my son that I don't ever want to be around that shithead again.  He is the typical patriarchal abusive male.  Within 5 minutes of being around him I want to puke.  He doesn't see me, I am an object of subservience.  I was brought up that way and I cleared all that out of my system.  No one can ever use me again.  That vibration no longer exists within me. 

I read people's energy and receive it in my body amplified.  Your body always gives you signals and the mind always overrides it.  People don't trust their bodies, they trust their minds.  The body never lies and the mind never truths. 

Any weak vibration will have a cling on of that same vibration.  Its like a magnet.  My vibration is higher than its ever been.  So long weakness.  Hello strength.

That's the power of higher vibration.  No one can use you.

Monday, June 17, 2013

You cannot live without dying

You cannot live without dying. You cannot live if you do not die psychologically every minute. This is not an intellectual paradox. To live completely, wholly, every day as if it were a new loveliness, there must be dying to everything of yesterday, otherwise you live mechanically, and a mechanical mind can never know what love is or what freedom is.                          Krishnamurti

Sunday, June 16, 2013

The wasteland of Illusion

Everything is illusion.  Some people like their illusions. 

The mind always needs stimulation.  But when the universe dies there is the void, nothing.  The mind can't cope with this nothingness.  It wants to fill it with something.  

When illusion is gone what are you going to replace it with.  It can't come from the mind.  You have to wait for what shows up naturally.  In this space of death you have to wait for what is created out of nothingness.  In that wasteland the mind goes insane.

Yesterday I went through a very long death.  It was so brutal, the death of it all.  Enough to go out of my mind.  We are driven out of our minds.

Today everything feels changed, yet still looks the same, like schizophrenic.  I am on the mountain top.  Bliss has arrived.  Its surreal.

Friday, June 14, 2013


Each moment the universe dies zillion of times and so do we.  Only most don't notice it.

I felt the earth tilt and it made me feel unsettled, like dropping through the floor, not knowing where I am going to land.  It eradicated the old me.  I have not landed yet, hanging somewhere between floors.

Uncertainty has become my way of life.  One minute life goes one direction and than shifts to something totally different, never knowing what to count on.

The mind has to create new pathways so that it can deal with these shifts.  The mind has to part from its linear set point.  That's why we are losing our minds.  We don't know who we are anymore.  We don't behave like we used to.

You can only go as high as you can go low.  I am teetering between bliss and the dark hole.  I have no choice but to go down that hole.  Avoiding it is not an option.  I am going deeper and deeper.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Wholeness and the New World

I have such gratitude looking back over the journey how perfect it has been even if it was the most horrific experience.  There was gentleness, much love and grace on this terrifying path.  People put up with so much abuse when they stay in their illusions.  

Illusion is brutal, reality is kind.

Only wholeness gets to cross into the new world.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Spikes in the Abyss

I am going to lay it out there.  I don't care if anyone thinks I am nuts.  This is my experience.

My sons unemployment benefit is running out this month.   Major survival fears surfaced in me.  I descended deeper into the abyss and there were spikes staring at me in the darkness.  

After releasing this terror my son asked me to withdraw most his money from his account.  I did it without giving him any hassle, without asking him what he needed the money for because after the release I felt free from the illusion of this planet.  My action came from a place beyond my conditioning, from a place of my true Self.

I hate releases.  There is so much darkness, terror, no way out, vibrational dislodging of matter and illusions, a hellish down spiral.

I can only stay in the present moment when I have cleared illusions, dysfunction and mental concepts because none of these are who we truly are.   There is only this moment and its always new.   We can't drag anything old into it.  Only this moment prepares us for the next.  

The closer I get to the present moment the more I have to release.  Its nerve wrecking.  Nothing ever goes the way I plan it or expect it.

If I get what I want I will go deeper into the illusion because what I want comes from my conditioning.  Not getting what I want releases immaturity.

Thursday, June 6, 2013


Everybody has their own illusions.  Life has been working because everybody knew their place, knew their role they are supposed to play.

Incongruence is rampant.  People have all these ideas of what they want, but they don't see their limitations.  My neighbors daughter wants 5 kids, but she can't even take care of herself.  How is she going to manage 5 kids.  Its all in her head.  Not being here in the present, taking care of whats right in front of you will burn you every time.  

People want to clean up the world, yet, they won't clean up under their beds.

People projecting themselves out into the world, always wanting to fix something out there.  Its time to come home, making the body and mind congruent.  The body is always in the present moment, the mind never is.  The mind has stories of lack and problems.

I used to get sucked into their stories.  People whine and gripe.  I walk away.

Monday, June 3, 2013

We are Vast Creatures

The conditioned mind cannot live in the present moment because the present moment isn't linear.  Everything is happening at the same time and this flux will drive you out of your mind.

Who are we without our patterns and without our illusions.  Let life happen without controlling anything.  

The universe is vast and things are speeding up.  The mind has nothing to hold on to.  Its the fastest way of letting go of whatever we want to control and keep.

I have become so light that I can't carry matter.  There is no time to take action to fix problems.  Things are moving too fast.  I have become the observer and with that things move in and out of my attention at record speed.

I am here, no control over anything.  No control over where I am going.  No concept of anything.  My head is spinning round and round from so much going on.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

The Speed of the Universe

Vortex Dream by Mishibinijima
Things are speeding up energetically, like being in a tumbler.  I am losing everything that isn't me.  My life is crumbling again.  There is so much internal detonation, the dust hasn't settled. All I have to do is watch it collapse. 

This is the most effortless I have ever lived, nothing opposing, allowing everything, watching in amazement and non-resistance.  I don't have a choice.

I am beyond tired.  I don't have the energy to carry illusion any longer.  After all, we are energy.  I am deaf to illusion.  When people gripe, I don't even hear that anymore.  I don't connect that way any longer.  I don't know where we are ending up.