Thursday, June 28, 2012


Lately I have been staying at home, so the universe delivered a snake into my living room.  The last time I was given the snake totem was 11 months ago.  I went through an enormous transition then and ended up living in Europe for 3 months. I don't know what the universe has in store for me this time, but when a snake shows up I better listen.  What stands out is wholeness and a transition in my life.  August keeps showing up.  Something is going to happen in August.

The snake has been slithering around in the kitchen and living room hiding under things.  I opened the door, so hopefully it will find its way out.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Nothing is as it seems

Steps to the Hanging Temple near Mount Heng in the Province Shanxi

Somewhere in the past 2 weeks a leap took place and I transcended the ignorance of the patriarchal mind.  I see the wisdom of my experiences whereas before they felt like punishment.  Mostly everything was taken away and I continued spiraling into the abyss with hardly ever coming up for air, living in constant fear and trepidation.  That's what it took to leave the world of illusion and now I see the total and complete love of the Universe and why those experiences were the perfect way to freedom. I have left the nightmare of the illusory world.

Now that my mind is no longer in power I have become more flexible and things are moving at record speed.  Stillness aligns me with what belongs to me.  Everything is always changing unexpectedly.

The patriarchal mind has robbed me of everything.  Things get decided in the moment and not a second before.  But the mind always has everything already planned out and the human will hardly ever deviate from it.

The universe is in a constant state of flux, that's why I know nothing at all.  I am always changing.  Get used to uncertainty.

Sunday, June 24, 2012


We are energetic beings.  The question is:  How energetic?  I received a ramped up dose of energy which almost knocked me off my socks.  That is who I really am.  I belief I only received a small portion of what I am really capable of.  That was the result of much clearing.

People buy energy drinks but they don’t do any good.  When the cells are full with memories and conditioning you are dragging everything along with you, no wonder you have no energy.  Transmuting fear also plays a major role in gaining more energy.  The patriarchy keeps us in fear.  Everything we do is based on fear.

When your energy is not obstructed you can go anywhere and do anything.  I had this image of me with wings standing on a cliff and flying anywhere I wanted to.  Fearlessness is such a beautiful thing.

Saturday, June 23, 2012


Everything is always falling apart and now faster than ever.  In the past 2 weeks I left the property once to do the laundry.  The emptiness is getting to me.   I am falling into the abyss.  There is nothing that will carry me out of it.   

Solitude is not a quiet time but a raging storm and a current that rips everything apart, taking away what doesn’t belong.  I am losing the cruel patriarchy; the mind, the only killer there is.

Emptiness is the Undefinable Pure, the Holy Chambers, the unspoken ho’oponopono where you just sit and weep, where the feeling is the prayer because there aren’t any words for the pain you are feeling,  the madness in your mind and the crazy pictures marching through your head.  When I came here I couldn’t breathe, I was resisting being here.   

I don’t know what the result of this emptiness is going to be.  There is no outside stimulus distracting me from hearing my inner screams.   This is a time of healing.

This too will come to an end.  What goes down must come up.

Thursday, June 21, 2012


Lake Obersee, Germany 

Have you ever experienced nothingness.  You are here in this moment and there is nothing else and it seems as if you are stuck in this moment forever.  Nothing else exists, only Now.  It feels like everything is dead.

Have you ever lived with nothingness?  Like the sand in the desert nothingness stretches forever.   The tiny nucleus of your being is engulfed in nothingness.  Nothingness swallows everything.

The mind doesn’t know what to do with nothingness.  It looks for something to hold on to.  There is nothing, and you can’t fill it with something because that something is illusion.  You have to leave nothingness alone until it becomes something on its own.  You can’t force anything into this nothingness.

I am losing myself in the beauty and abundance of this moment.  It eluded me when my mind kept me from noticing it because I am always running away from the present.

All I ever have to do is be present.  Everything else is provided for automatically.

Anything outside the present moment is a burden.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

At the Threshold

The only thing that connects me to past experiences, relatives, friends, people, places and activities are memories.  And all of that is dying.  All of that is being de-magnetized from my energy field and I have stepped into nothingness.  How am I going to cope with this unexpected dissolution of the familiar?  It is leaving my life because I have already left.  There is no juice in it for me anymore. 

Everything is always changing and everything is always uncertain.  People chose not to notice.  What is to become of me if I don’t prepare?  That’s what we have been taught, to prepare so that we can always be certain of the outcome.  96% of the universe is imperceptible.  What is reality?  No answers can come from our head.

I am falling and there is nothing to catch me and I will never be put together again.  The old world no longer exists.  The mind belongs to the patriarchal world.  I am getting to match the newness of the universe where life and death occur zillions of times in each moment.  I can't beg for it to stop for this is reality.

I am getting the image that I am standing at the door of the new and unknown, looking back over my shoulder, leaving everything behind before I step over the threshold into open waters.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Wisdom of Now

I was wrong again.  I thought I was ready to move on, instead I am living in solitude.  I haven't left the house in a week.  My son and I were ready to go our separate ways, but the universe has put us back together.   We get along great, but we are not willing to live together anymore.  It is a limitation on both of us.

At a deep level I know that there is great wisdom in this.

What shows up appears as a limitation on my life.  The form of the Now appears as a limitation.  Knowing the Now beyond the form it takes.  When you surrender to form you know that which is beyond form.  Surrender to the form (limitation) and you experience yourself.  People want to get away from the limitation of this form of the Now, the form that the Now takes.

Become friendly with what is, whatever form this moment takes.  It frees me from the form this moment takes.  If I react to the form this moment takes another form is created in me as a thought or emotion that strengthens me being lost in form.   And that’s why the ego likes to react because the ego is the form.  If you do not react - responding is a different matter - if action is needed it comes out of the state of intelligence which is allowing the Now to be, becoming one with life, which can only be Now.  Then life lives through you and life is intelligent.  In the allowing you do not strengthen your own form anymore.  What arises is the timeless and formless essence of who you are.  That’s why surrender is so powerful.  To the ego it looks like weakness, yet this is true power, aliveness, intelligence.  Be one with it, not against it, no matter what.

When I resist a form that appears in the Now I strengthen that form.  Resistance strengthens it.  Resistance strengthens illusion. 

The form this moment takes cannot be otherwise.

Presence never exerts effort, never resists anything.  The witness accepts this moment fully.

~Eckhart Tolle

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Going out of my mind to go beyond the mind

People abhor the present moment and do anything to escape it.  Reality and illusion are totally different.  I have no problem letting go of illusion and still I go through insanity, terror, anger.  Every emotion possible is showing up.

Yesterday I went through another personality death.  Today I had to face terror and then anger.  At a deep level I know why I have to go through this. 

I don’t get what I want.  What I want comes from the personality, the conditioned fake me.   The universe will not feed my illusions.  It’s enough to make me furious.  I can’t coerce the universe to act.

I keep hearing: “It’s not going to be the way you think.”  At this point I am fed up.  My path has turned into a cliff.   I hate my life, yet I have been through this so many times and came out of it.  What is up with waiting until the last freaking minute before something changes.   To get me out of my mind, that's why, so that I can go beyond the mind.

When you can’t go on that’s where you decided to stop. 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Your body prepares you for everything

The next place can't show up until I am lined up with it's vibration.  If I knew where I am going I would not be able to fully be here in this moment, but it's this moment that prepares me for what's next. 

My mind tries to take over at times making a list of what needs to get done.  That is a programmed response to life.  It throws my body into total lock-down.  My body will not take orders from my mind.  All that mind-work only puts pressure on me.  

The body is always in the present moment, it cannot be anywhere else.  Relax into the body.  Pay attention to where your body is and what it's doing.  Check in with your body because it's the map to life.

Monday, June 4, 2012

The Process

I am still here.  My son wanted to have everything moved out on Friday but it didn't go that way.  His body didn't cooperate and spent the weekend at a friends house.  When he returned on Sunday he told me that he is going to move everything out that evening.  I thought to myself:  "Sure you are."   A person that is not present makes up all kinds of illusions.  The mind doesn't like nothingness and stillness and will fill that space with all kinds of agendas and plans, thus building illusion like crazy.  

Today again my son told me that everything will be out this evening, and again it's not happening.  He was upset when I told the landlord that we will be out by Thursday and had to pay another weeks rent.  To him when he looks at what's still left he thinks it can be moved in one evening, and yes, if we were zombies we can be out in a few hours, but I know that's not going to happen because we need time for emotional processing, that step cannot be bypassed.  We don't have much, but still, we aren't able to get it out of the house any quicker because we both are going through major transformations and it can't be rushed.

When I walk out of here I will be emotionally and vibrationally ready for whatever awaits me, right now I am not.

Friday, June 1, 2012

There is Hell in the Hallway

My son is moving out tonight.  I have until Monday to leave here.  I have been through this so many times where I moved out without another place to go to.  The longest I had to wait for the next place to show up were 7 hours.  The shortest were 5 minutes.  Back then it was adventurous but now I don't want to live like that anymore.  Living like that has taught me that things show up in the craziest and most unexpected ways and that is keeping me somewhat together in this situation.

My life the way I know it has ended.  When I am alone I am falling apart and hurt so badly but when I am around my son I've got it together.  He has stopped asking if I found another place yet.  I've not gone anywhere in the past 2 weeks because I don't want to be around people.  The door to my old life has closed and a new door hasn't opened yet, but there is hell in the hallway.

Transition--that space between the familiar and the next big thing when there is nothing to hold onto--is hallway time.